From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to navigation Jump to search

You are wonderful. And I mean that in the fullest, most comprehensive way. Truly, you are. No, <insert name here>, I'm not talking to the person standing just behind you. I'm talking to you. You are the greatest achievement this world has ever had, and the greatest specimen of everything that has ever existed. I just want to be around you every minute of the night and day, because you are so amazingly outstanding. Nothing I can ever say can describe your beauty, your wit, your honour, your sexiness... Truly, I am unfit to be on the same planet as you.

Boy flatters Girl[edit]

Darling, the stars in your eyes outshine the sun, and all that they gaze upon is sacred. You don't need fine clothes; you would look like a queen in rags. Your hair is spun gold/ebony/copper/bronze and finer than silk. Not even porcelain could hope to attain the perfection of your face, and no sculptor could ever make features so beautiful. You have impeccable taste and everything you like is perfect, because you could not like anything that was less. I know I can never equal you - you are a goddess to my mere mortal. I am to you as slugs are to cats. You have wit and intelligence that cannot be hoped for by any mere human; you must have come down from heaven to consecrate the ground you walk upon. Your breasts are more delectable than melons (and thankfully aren't green) and I am unfit to lick your shoes/lips/breasts/pussy.

Girl flatters Boy[edit]

You are tough, manly and sexy. You are the only thing that makes me feel safe, because you can protect me with your strength. You also attain the heights of coolness with everything you do, and every word you speak is law. In a fight, you could beat Chuck Norris and every legion that has ever existed on the planets Earth and Zog. You gave up your kingdom in Hell to come here and rule Earth with an iron fist and I am honoured to be allowed to speak with you. In bed, you are a sex god; if you leave me I will never have sex with anyone else again because no-one could ever make me feel the same way. Whatever you do to me is an honour, because you are so much better than anyone else.

Pupil flatters Teacher[edit]

Sir, you're a brilliant teacher. Sir, sir! Can I have more homework, sir? Sir, don't move me to Miss (name omitted for legal reasons)'s class! I'll never get good grades if you don't teach me, sir. Can I come in lunchtime and have extra lessons from you, sir? No-one else ever got me interested in maths/biology/RS/geography before. When I'm older, I'll tell everyone I ever meet that I owe everything to you, sir. Sir, please don't move me!

(Next lesson...) Miss, I'm so glad I'm in your class. Mr (name omitted for legal reasons) was really horrible to me. I know you'll be nice, miss. I heard that you were best and the nicest teacher in the school. I can't wait to get going, miss. Have I missed anything? Can I come in lunchtime to catch up? Miss, you're the greatest teacher ever. If only I could nominate people for the teacher awards, you'd be the first up...

Employee flatters Employer[edit]

No, you were quite right. You always are. I've never known you make a mistake yet. Did you know that the computers in the office haven't uttered a peep since you saw to them? It's amazing - if I told the guys once I've told them a million times, (name omitted for legal reasons) is a bloody wizard.

Employer flatters Employee[edit]

(Name omitted for legal reasons), we couldn't manage without you in this office. Every mistake we make, you somehow manage to sort it out. Every mess we get into, you manage to get us out of it. You charm customers and earn us money; without you, this place would fall apart. Honestly it would. You're the only person who understands the computers and the filing system and the only person who can get past the caretaker. We need you.

Child flatters Parent[edit]

Daddy, you're the best daddy in the world. All my friends have really horrible daddies, but I always tell them that you're the most wonderful daddy ever. You're really reasonable and human, you understand me so well - I know you'll understand why I want ten friends over tomorrow. Please, Daddy - you're such a sport, I love you so much. I'll buy you that DVD you really wanted because you deserve it, Daddy. Can I have ten friends over tomorrow?

The Writer flatters Humbugs[edit]

O mighty humbugs, thou art wise and true and powerful. I dedicate myself fully to thy needs and will invoke thee at every possible occasion. Thy black-and-white stripes are the stuff the universe is made of, and thy taste is such that the gods would grovel before thee.

Got any good examples? Add them here!![edit]