Flavor Flav

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William Jonathan Drayton Jr. (born March 16, 159), "professionally" known as Flavor Flav, is an American "rap" "artist" and television "star". He is a strange creature of the Ape species Nigerpithecus Africanus. He is also well-known for single-handedly destroying the reputation of Public Enemy.

"Dar dur dee der der uh dee." - Flavor Flav


Flavor Flav was born in a ghetto in New York on Long Island as "Willim Jonatin Draiton" (according to his birth certificate). His parents, Clock spider and Bjork, divorced after arguments of who would eat his circumcised foreskin, as African ritual dictates. He dropped out of high school in his junior year after being anally raped by the two local gangs, the ButtSeckz Mofoz 4 Lyfe and the Yo G-Doggz Homiez Fo' Teh Analz.

Flav often wears a clock around his neck, stating that observers, excluding haters and perpetrators, will "know what time it is," although, in reality he, himself, needs the large clock to remember what time it is so that he know what time it is because he is retarded. (Whoever wrote this is retarded). The suspiciously large clock became one of Flav's trademarks, along with his queer purple sunglasses and a Crown which he wears so people will know he is king of the Retards. This crown was a gift from the vikings Because not even a viking would want to rape him. He also has an embarassing tatoo on his head which reads "1987's prize for smallest Cock", which he covers up with his crown. Another of Flav's trademarks is his catchphrase, a loud, over-exaggerated, and ape-like scream of "Yeeeeaaaahhhh Booooiiii!" This is how he alerts his other horny, yellow-toothed criminal fast-talkers that he is in heat (which is all the time).At times Flav chooses to wear that gay ass vikings hat. This is a symbol that he is always horny. Other than that it just shows that he is one of the dumbest negroes that resorts to wearing a homosexual clock and a vikings hat because he is a lame ass rapper that nobody knows anymore. Seriously he would be better off dead, I mean come on if you wear a clock around your neck you might as well wear a sign that says "I'm Retarded." Flav is also fluent in several languages. These languages include ape, douche bag, and Numb-ass retard; his personal favorite.

Flav has 299.5 children. Their names are Caleph Asher, Shaniq, Karen, Da'zyna, Kwan, Cowbell, Kayla, Abasi, Jamal, LaShondra, Jerome, Cleophus, Latisha, Shanaynay, Shaquan, Laquida, Chrisette, Leroy, Bonequesha, LaQuesha, Chikae, Demarco, Elroi, Kleavon, Kotex, Nellysmarie, DeStani, Lexus, Charmaine, Germaine, L'Tanya, Turmaine, Teonn, D'zyre, Syd'Quan, Kelvin, Dashalay, Darnea, Nifacia, DaNiesha, Moocaroma, Tron, Calius, Damoria and Damaria (twins), Rodneisha, Monchhichi, Latrine, Zainiadaishia, Judzia, Tawnysha, Fatjon, Fellony, Xiaoshaunterrio, Rufus, Carlton, Rastus, Toby, Kanye, Carslisle, Genial, Blackstar, Remus, Bobo, Yeller, Sambo, Latrelle, Jemima, Simba, Dante, Shamone, Eliexus, LaQueefah, Kunta Kinte, Rectumia, Kwami, Sheba, Shamella, Shamal, JaMarcus, Elroy, Srt'Quade, Shanaykus, Billiam, Marriemoor, Jigga, Shaman, Ellectixus, Shmuley, Benjerman, Jommy, Kumiza, Semfeza, LaMale, Kwimmy, JimJim, Elephus, Elephante, Lekisha, Shariffa,Clafu, Okko, Pepito, Baba Booey, Bingo, Caesar, Hanuman, Igoo, Konga, M'Toto, Oofi, Zéphir, Pedrinho, Meemee, Jiggs, Ginger, Ethel, Clock spider, Simian, Dejavoo, Wechanga, Damarkus, Çarli, Karanja, Sam, Kwanzaa, Umoja, Kujichagulia, Ujima, Ujamaa, Nia, Kuumba, Imani, Demetrick, Chiquita, Donshea, Taquan, Shantay, Rolandius, Trayvon, La'Nisha, Jeremius, Lashonda, Foundray, Fledell, Jarvaris, Lalisha, Damario, Fredginald, Quadrevion, Jamiel, Sirking, Kartrevious, Deonte, Terrion, Daniqua, DeUntranette, Jevon, Lavirta, Daval & Doval (twins), DaKassha, Shoshuna, Yashica, Loletha, Aljanae, LaQuanda,Jimbo, Stinky, Snoopy Tyrone, Teketria, Lakenja, Deaundrey, Jamar, Jocquez, Chytoria, Rastesfa, Jonrenauras, Lacresia, Larmomdriel, Lawanda, Shantavious, Kartavious, Lankward, Tywanishia, TaKelia, LeCharles, Donteze, Jamell, Kentral, Antawaine, Quatrail, Demarco, Zatrina, Louchandra, Laquita, J'Carrien, Antron, Germesha, Royteshia, Shauntelle, Marcellous, Jamall, Towander, Demarious, Demonte, Anonica, Darkreisha, Nickeshea, Shaquana, Devontay, Da'Taviona, Sherdell, Shanequa, LaTrinious, Lacorius, Dreshawna, Chinnetta, Javanthia, Shundavian, Natericka, Lakita, Kawanda, Quartus,Radar, Anfernee, Junious, Trakita,Chalupa, Quanteds, E’Traveon, Otissha, Tamika, Lekreisha, Shakeyla, Jemicia, Janeshia, Derobbieo, Radarius, Raynard, Lakenya, Dianikqua, Shenice, Kadarrius, Kentrell, Demetrick, Urida, Detron, Demtaies, Tedric, Decordova, Taneareus, Najah'leek, Vontrekus, Tysjohaun, Cordealria, Ezavia, Kinwend, Travekus, Chazarus, Ja'Naurri, Tyrinza, Sircharlton, Marcelius, Undre, Tirquise, Landrica, Delonzo, Dontarrius, Litrey, Damarian, Rashard, Damarrio, Tevester, Denarvise, Tawnrodney, Demontrion, Antorial, Tajanique, Sylvanus, Jermarl, Travtice, Roctavius, Ronchey, Slamarcus, Shaquandra, Qualeem, Creola, Quashon, Queondric, Theophilus,Yasury Yamillete Arguvis, Teletha,D'Laterrion, Jaqurius, Shannavia, Quawee, Laquay, Taurean, Travion, Payshentz, Deaundrey, Sahdariae, Dysheek, Tyzahae, Tranvonce, Tyree, Sasionique, Pleazoure, and George W. He also has two grandsons, Bryan and Matthew, who each have four children, who also have two children each. Both grandsons belong to his daughter Shaniquazilla.

  • Note- none of them can be counted as humans.

Surreal Life[edit]

Flavor Flav and Transsexual actress, Brigitte Nielsen.

In 2004, Flav appeared in the third season of The Surreal Life on VH1. During the season, he developed an on-screen relationship with 6' 1" Transsexual Danish actress Brigitte Nielsen, who affectionately called Flav "Foofy Foofy," because of the sound his ass cheaks made when he dragged his ass across her bedroom floor. VH1 continued to explore the couple's odd pairing in a spin-off reality series, called Strange Love. Due to mutual jealousy, the couple was constantly fighting and yelling. In March 2005, Brigitte ended her relationship with Flavor Flav, choosing instead to live with her 2 year old boyfriend, Mattia Dessi. The show essentially ended with the end of the relationship.Flava Flav then bitchified her (or he) when her tits became to hard when they were making sweet love to each other and cut him.

Flavor of Fuck[edit]

More recently, Drayton has taken a role as the star of the VH1 reality series Flavor of Love. The show premiered on January 1, 2006. This was his most noble attempt at tricking America into thinking he was a real person. It features Flav and 20 bisexual whores with an unending lust for fame and fortune from which he will eventually choose one (in the style of The Bachelor) to be his bitch in his pictures, for one month, until they break up. The show started with an effort to paint Flav in a good light, allthough everyone (save a few gullible dumbfucks) knew he was just a jackass of an ape-man. Several times on the show, he expresses a desire to settle down, find a companion, and have more children.

The first season finale was among the highest-rated shows in VH1 history. The relationship between Flav and first season winner "Hoopz" ultimately sputtered, because he found her in bed with another woman, and Flav and VH1 agreed to do a second season of the Flavor of Love. The second season ends with Flav choosing a sporatic creature known as "Deelishis" that had a strange growth on it's arms and might have Down-syndrome, over another ugly, big chested, ape-woman dubbed "New York". New York is often distinguished from other Gold Diggin' ho's by the fact she is unable to open her eyes at all, this is due to the fact that she once saw Flav naked, and her eyes then took it upon themselves to close for all eternity lest they should ever behold this site again. Although a minor setback at first, New York felt the need to prove that sistahs be doin' it fo' themselves, and so teamed up with her sister, Lower East Manhattan, and enjoyed a long and fruitful career as The Southern Oracle and kept her eyes closed until it was time to kill Atreyu because he had fear in his heart.

Scientific advances[edit]

In 1979, Flav invented diabetes as part of his plan to keep himself busy in-between his excuses for records. After being accused of causing 12,000,000,000 deaths during the Sugar Scare of '81, his only defense was "Yo, Cuz...wut iz yoo crackah ass muhfuggas be gonna do wid me...know wad ahm sayin?...is we gwine to partee wen we gets to yo funky crib...I knows ware we can gets some killa rock and some big booty white wimminz, man...know wad ahm sayin?" He was charged with being a dumbass as a result, but he was let off with a warning after he was able to prove his innocence by demonstrating his ability to use big words like "you", and "betta", as well as the words "not", "lock", "me", "up", "else", "I", "bustacapinyo", "ass", and "Nigga".

Recent history[edit]

  • In 2002, Flav was incarcerated on Rikers Island for lewd acts upon a cat. The cat couldn't walk for a week.
  • In 2003 he appeared in T.V. spots for the then up-and-coming Reno 911! show on Comedy Central, playing a male prostitute servicing an anonymous Democratic senator.
  • In 2006, during the taping of Flavor of Love 2 he got his ass kicked by another Ape, Michele Patterson, the mother of "New York".
  • In 2007, Flava Flav insisted on being reffered to as "Sir Flav". To this day, no one has.


  • Flavor Flav has 299 children and is currently expecting his 300th, he would like 374 more before he dies.
  • Flav's current mate is London Charles (Deelishis). Probably in a month they break up and make another season of that awkward show for him to find another bitch.
  • Flav enjoys long walks on dat beeyotch nawhati'msayin. .
  • Flav was trained as a classical pianist when he was a Pickininny.
  • Flav attended the Gorilla cage at New York City's Bronx Zoo in 1960.
  • Flav says he started wearing a clock around his neck because he wanted people to know that he is a retarded baffoon. Blibble boom bit!
  • During the 2nd season of "Flavor of Love", Flav had an ongoing relationship with a Guinea pig whom he nicknamed "Wiggles". [1]
  • Flav is old and is frightened easily by sudden movements, ESP movements from new mate Deelishis' ass.
  • Yeeeah! and Boyyyyeeeeeeee! were actually the names of 2 of Flav's closest friends, who were trampled to death when they got caught between Kirstie Alley and a ham. Unfortunately Flav has no other friends and so nobody has informed him of thier passing, and so he keeps calling out thier names to this day, hoping that they answer.
  • Flav once had an affair with Michael Jackson's nose.
  • Flav actually lost a testicle in a knife fight with his mother.
  • Flav calls Alec Baldwin for parenting advice.
  • Due to extremely poor eyesight, Flav must wear a full-size wall clock around his neck to keep track of time, since he wouldn't be able to read the time on a 'normal' wristwatch.

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