Things Hidden In Food
Things hidden in food have a long and well practiced tradition. Introduced in the late 18th century, this underestimated sport (not only) emerged to one of the most important leizure activities. The general idea behind it is to hide things of use in food of the person who is meant to receive it. While eating, the presentee will experience a surprise as the food reveals some extra "nutritional" value.
Good willing relatives are expected to pay their imprisoned loved ones a surprise visit once in a while. As stereotypical thinking suggests, it is custom to bring a cake - it'll definitely make his day! And a crowbar might be of use later on. Unfortunately, jailbirds are often extremely hungry and might not get the idea. That explains why many cons have gaps in their teeth. While crowbars are the most common thing to hide in food within prison walls, there are several common alternatives: Spoons, grinding tools, hammers, swiss knifes, toothbrushes, Playboy-magazines, explosives, thermite, rats, fingers, children, Superman action figures, torsos, pictures of G. W. Bush watching his dog chase a bug and the occasional Viagra of course.
Occasionally, fellow prisoners prepare cakes for the newcomers. Such cakes are made of semen (collected during shower time) and newspaper pages that, when dry, look just like a product similar to papier-mâché. To hide the distinctive scent, prisoners which were already gay before would provide perfumes. The newcomers take an initial bite followed by a state of constant sickness lasting about twenty hours (discoloration of the face may occur). A plastic dildo in the center of the cake will make the joy last. Sex toys for this particular purpose are provided by the prison guards (satisfying their saddistical needs by voyeurism).
- The Beagle Boys (gay incest)
- John Horatio Malkovich (Con Air)
- Bugs Bunny
- Michael Jackson
- James Brown
- Mahatma Ghandi
If you are a prisoner or a helping relative and you are reading this, be sure to provide some kind of a hint. It is unlikely to eat a crowbar, but smaller gadgets might get overlooked. This fact, however, might be helpful if you are up to an evil prank. Well, if your key to freedom is not discovered while your protege is enjoying the cake, it will certainly get his attention after at most 36 hours ...
On Birthday Parties
“Boys best friend is his mother!”
... but truth is, boys best friend is a nude chick jumping out of a birthday cake. Ever since Marilyn Monroe, all men only wish for a moment like this to fulfill their life. There are few who had the chance to enjoy this. They all have one thing in common: Death did not evoke fear in their hearts any longer, because they "have seen god rise from a monstrous sugar cake!". Here are some enlightened men, going down in history:
and - luckily enough - many more ...
A cunt in a cake is splendid as you will undoubtedly consent. But there are measures that have to be taken: If the man given this present is fat or extremely hungry (like, hungry-happy-Hippo-hungry!), make sure that the girl jumps out before the cake slips down his throat. Watch the sad example to the right (we will not provide more pictures for moral reasons).
In Fast Food Restaurants
Unlike what the core of TV advertisement messages tells us, major food chains do not like children. Apparently, they think kids shit too much (young metabolism). Cleaning staff has to be paid extra wages for cleaning bathrooms after children left their feces. Ronald McDonald is said to have eaten 127 kids by now - adding the numbers eaten by his clones, that will make a total of approximately 3,000,000,127 kids. Before consumption, children have to be tranquilized or put to sleep. That's a piece of cake at one of the many disturbing McDonalds birthday parties - haha, it's even childs play! To knock out children at that occasion, follow one of these instruction steps (choose more than one to go to hell):
- Put razor blades into all cheese burgers
- Enhance the taste of chicken nuggets with potassium cyanide
- Add a mixture of Aspirin, pain killers, preferably 10 to 20 sleeping pills and laxative to each coke
- Spit into all happy meals ... wait, no, leave that up to the McDonalds staff!
- Tell them their mommys have died
Generally, all Fast Food chains will serve meals with funny things in them. For your inspiration, refer to the images in this article.
Some people need to be killed - when the free world is at stake, those measures are justified. Killing kids on the other hand is always justified!
“Well, I thought it would be rude not to eat it up! ...”
Children love ice cream - it's a matter of common knowledge! Consider this a more appropriate alternative to get rid of them (see image). Be careful with hiding the fatal ingredients though, because children have brains too (very little ones, but they do have'em).
Many fathers say that their kids are nothing but a pain. They destroyed their airily lives, dissipate in luxury on their cost, have unprotected sex and on top of that: They hate their parents! Why not get rid of them now? You will be freed from these bonds, a new man. You never cared about your wife anyway since the day you made your proposal (see Engagements)! Start a new life. Here's how you do it:
Generally, you may apply any aforementioned killing method. Cornflakes are the perfect tool to start shifting your children. Include crunchy saw blades in the cornflakes to give them brats "that special feeling" when swollowing. Since your wife gave birth to your kids and put a lot of effort into bringing them up, she will certainly have started to compensate all the resulting stress by eating tons of chocolate ice cream (yes, those huge pods!). Simply enrich one pod with a big spoon of potassium cyanide or washing powder - she would probably prefer the aroma of washing powder that she became used to.
If you still have problems with your conscience, imagine that you are fixing a meal with the intention to help a fellow prisoner!
Putins Poisoning Policy
Alexander Litvinenko, the journalist who did research on Putins favourite websites, was poisoned with a fatal dosis of Thallium. After eating flambéed vanilla ice that a fellow journalist (and SPY!!!) offered him, Litvinenko emitted a strange, yet weak green glimmer. The ice that glowed green before he ate it was cleverly masked by serving it flambé (credits to those witty French people!).
Well done, spy! Remember, this is a very good example on how to cover a special quintessence! Always be inventive!
Once a year, all the brats from the neighborhood come knocking at your door, going "Trick or treat! Blah blah blah!"
“... Oh, piss off!”
All grown ups hate kids during Halloween. And the kids know that they're hated. Since September 1975, youngsters all over the Uncycled States strike back: They realized that it's still old candies from last years Halloween they're being given. Hard, tasteless and inedible. Urban legend has it that kids are now frequently caught handing out apples in return to getting candy. But there is something wrong with the apples. Yes, most of the time the kids are too stupid to hide the surprise, but it occurs often enough that a grown up hits the sack and eats such an apple. If you are missing your razor blades in the morning, then you know that Halloween is near (and that your kids need to be given a birching again)!
Maybe it is just another urban legend, but be careful on Halloween. Don't let kids tell you what's healthy!
“One apple that day will make you pay! ... Whoa, I gotta write that down!!”
It is custom to be original and not just stupid when making a proposal. Most of the time it is up to the guy to do it - that's why it never really works!
There are many ways to make a proposal interesting, but in connection with this topic you will certainly find the right inspiration! Hiding your ring in food or drinks will have another welcome side effect: Your fiancee won't care about how cheap and ridiculous your ring of choice was, because she will be buisy getting it out of her body.
Look for a good dentist when you're at it. Rings can make her teeth crunch loudly! If you want her to swollow the ring, add plenty of laxative to the meal. This might be the case if you love your girl kinda, but at the same time you think that she's e.g. awfully stupid - basically, every girl is. By doing this, it will teach her a lesson that she will certainly not forget (although she won't understand your reasons and neither do we). And if she's so stupid anyway, she will probably still marry you. But be warned: Statistics show that girls do not enjoy anal sex for a certain time after that experience!
Remember that you can principally repeat this, even after marriage! Simply replace the ring with some other cheap jewel or gem. You may also use jewels from chewing gum dispensers - she can't tell the difference!
If you are fed up with your wife after several years of marriage, try discovering another side of her! Add drugs to her meals and drinks (ecstasy, LSD etc.) or add pot to her cigarettes if she's a smoker. The vomitting will eventually stop as soon as she gets used to the drugs. Many housewives will get very easy with their kids, accept their fate and do the chore without complaining anymore ... and she'll be great in bed too!
Try it today - thousands of satisfied husbands can't be wrong.
The Body of Christ - Jesus Hiding in Food
“WHAT?! Holy Mother!!! What on gods green earth did you THINK???”
At the last supper, Jesus of Nazareth - son of Joseph and Mary and our supposed saviour - claimed that the bread he shared with his disciples was made of his own flesh. Furthermore, he added that the wine was actually his blood, which seemed more likely to them because of the resemblance of color. Even the less gullible ones started to vomit at that moment. Well, Philip licked his fingers after all.
What would you do if you were almighty and as twisted as the Jee-man? Yeah, exactly: You would put a piece of your body into every single bread for all eternity. It's what he did.
Sigmund Freud, Austrian psychologist and penis-envy-champion (1924-2007 in a row), calls this inner drive the "Jesus-complex".
Jesus Christ is immortal and lives in heaven since his father let him die by the hands of king David (no, not Hasselhoff). Well, according to Mel Gibson it was the jews who killed him. Anyways, Jesus is experiencing strong sexual feelings of satisfaction whenever witnessing a bread - thus, his body - being eaten by a human being. Just as any other perversion, the "Jesus-complex" is practical when justifying crimes like rape or any other mild form of sexual harassment. However, it is required to supply proof by presenting the opinion of a doctor - this will cost you not more than 100 to 500 bucks bribe.
The catholic church denies that canibalism is a sin. Have a nice day!
Remember: You are eating Jesus with every slice of bread! Yummy!