Floor cushions

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Floor Cushions are exactly what they sound like. Cushions consisting of floors. Therefore they are floor cushions unless you speak a different language in which case they would be "floor cushions" in whatever language you speak.


A standard Floor Cushion consists of:


Commonly in the basement there are children's toys and tableware. I often wonder why they put the children's toys in a place that means you have to walk through precariously balanced china and crystal. I suppose it is so that things are often broken and then they force you to pay for them so they get lots of money!

Ground Floor[edit]

Perfume and cosmetic counters hit you as you enter the floor cushion with those people that ask you whether you want to try eau de buffalo and spray you with it before you reply. It is customary for floor cushions to have such rude etiquette, and as well as being hit by counters, you may also experience Fish Slapping, Chinese Water Torture or a friendly challenge to Chess. They may also have a cafe on this floor along with some young fashionable clothing ranges.

1st Floor[edit]

Clothes of very expensive brands surround you on the third floor, unless you wander into the small curtain section, the lingerie section or the children's shoes section. During the Christmas period there is often a section of extremely delicate glass baubles on this floor.

2nd Floor[edit]

The toilets are located on this floor next to the lighting and artistic splatters of paint on a canvas. Furniture is what occupies most of the floor and you just feel like going to sleep on that leather sofa... (ok, maybe that's just me)

The 2nd floor is optional in a floor cushion, and sometimes, the case may be that the structure of a floor cushion has a 3rd floor hovering perilously above the 1st, meaning that the consumer has to adopt either the ability to fly or to make one huge, hairy, badass leap. (However, those extremely tall in height will find no problem in clambering up to, or jumping down to the third floor, which is why floor cushions have the tendancy to employ freakishly tall staff.) This also means that should no 2nd floor exist in any particular floor cushion, you're quite frankly buggered if you're desperate and gagging for a pee and all the doors are locked.

It must also be noted that doors are another optional feature in the structure of the floor cushion, thus drawing attention to the perplexing phenomena of consumers' uncanny abilities to diffuse readily into or out of the cushion. Jeebus, that's creepy.

3rd Floor[edit]

If the floor cushion has a 3rd floor it will not be as large as the others, and it is the beauty floor, where people can get their ears/lips/nose/nostrils/knees/Steve Martins pierced etc.