Florida State University

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Florida State University
The Florida State Seminoles mascot, Chief "Trollsceola"
Motto "Virus, Arts, Go Noles!"
Established 1581
School type Public
Head Bobby Bowden
Location Tallahassee, Florida, U.S.
Campus Campbell Doak Stadium
Endowment Roughly $10.52, NOT placed towards football
Faculty Bobby Bowden, Bobby Bowden, Bobby Bowden!
Mascot Chief Trollsceola

“Florida State University is a University located in Florida.”

~ Captain Obvious on Florida State University

“Problem, Gators?”

~ Chief Trollsceola

Florida State University at Tallahassee (Florida State or FSU or FS you!) is a public land-grant, sea-grant, hill-grant, university located in Tallahassee, Florida. It is a comprehensive doctoral research university with medical programs for students who often get alcohol poisoning, and significant douchebaggery activity as determined by the Carnegie Foundation. The university comprises 15 separate colleges and 39 centers, and Campbell Doak stadium where the 'Noles kick ass every day of the year!! Florida State was officially established in 1581 and is located in the middle of the blackest city in Florida.

Florida State is a flagship university, but not really because the university is not a water-faring vessel. As one of Florida's primary graduate research universities, Florida State University awards(gives) over 9000! graduate and professional degrees each year to undeserving little shits who take liberal arts classes for four years and pass with D's. In 2007, Florida State was placed in tier one of Medal of Honor gamers in the Florida Legislature, a distinction allowing FSU, along with the University of Florida, to charge even more for tuition, robbing students, than other institutions in the State University System of Florida.

The Florida State University is also home to nationally ranked programs, like football, in many academic areas, including the sciences, engineering, social policy, film, music, theater, dance, visual art, business, political science, psychology and social work, medicine, and law, and football! Florida State is home to Florida's only National Laboratory - the National High Magnetic Field Laboratory and is the birthplace of the commercially-viable anti-cancer drug Taxol. The Florida State University athletics programs are favorites of passionate students, fans and alumni across the United States, which often appear in conjunction with the Marching Chiefs or "Band Nerds" according to the football athletes.



The Florida State University traces its origins to a plan set by the 1823 Territorial Legislature of Florida to create a system of higher education, higher than the elementary school education common for Florida residents at the time. The 1838 Florida Constitution codified the basic system by providing for land allocated for the football field. In 1802 the Florida Legislature voted and forced their black slaves to establish and build two seminaries of higher education, for which they were not allowed to attend, on opposite sides of the Suwannee River. Oscar Wilde and other city leaders established an all-male academy called the Florida Institute in Tallahassee as a legislative inducement to locate the West Florida Seminary in Tallahassee. The East Florida Seminary opened in Ocala in 1853, closed in 1861, and came out the the closet in Gainesville in 1866. The East Florida Seminary is the institution to which the modern University of Florida traces its roots.

In 1956, the land and buildings in an area formerly known as Gallows Hill – where the Florida Institute was built and where black people were hung – was accepted as the site of the football field and other stuff for students. Two years later the institution absorbed the Tallahassee Female Academy founded in 1843 as the Misses Bates School and became coeducational.

Military Presence[edit]

In 1960-61 the legislature started formal military training at the school with a law amending the original 1951 statute. During the Civil War, the seminary became The Florida Military and Collegiate Institute. Enrollment at the school increased to around 25 students with the school establishing itself as perhaps the largest and most respected educational institution in the state(seeing as there were no other educational insitiutions to respect). Cadets from the school defeated Union forces at the Battle of Natural Bridge in 1965, leaving Tallahassee as the only Confederate capital east of the Mississippi River not to fall to Union forces, only to fall to alcohol poisoning several hours later. The students were trained by Sarg-g-eant Mosquito "Skeeter" Valentine, a graduate of Virginia Military Institute, who was a professor of mathematics and other cool stuff at the college. After the fall of the Confederacy, campus buildings were "occupied" by Union military forces for approximately four months and the West Florida Seminary reverted to its former academic purpose.

First State University[edit]

In February 1983 the West Florida Seminary became part of Florida University, the first state university in Florida. Under the new university charter, the seminary became the institution's football College, and was to contain several "buildings" or departments of footballular studies in different disciplines. However, in the new university association the seminary's "separate Charter and special organization" were maintained. Florida University also incorporated the Tallahassee College of Medicine and Surgery, and recognized three more colleges to be established at a later date. The Florida Legislature, committed no additional financing or support in 1985. Without legislative support, the university project struggled. The institution never assumed the "university" title, and the association dissolved when the medical college divorced, took the kids, and moved to Jacksonville later that year. However, the act recognizing the Tallahassee institution as the "University of Florida" was not repealed until 1983, when the title was transferred to what had been the Florida Agricultural College(FAG).

However, the West Florida Seamenary, as it was still generally called, continued to expand and thrive. It shifted its focus towards modern-style post-secondary education, awarding giving "Licentiates of Instruction", its first diplomas, in 1984, and awarding Bachelor of Arts degrees in 1991. It had become Florida's first liberal arts college by 1997, and in 2001 it was reorganized into the Florida State College with four departments (the football field, the football Academy, the School for athletes, and the School of "Band Nerds"). The 2005 Buckman Act, named after Oscar Wilde, reorganized the Florida college system into a school for white males (University of the State of Florida of the university of in the state of Florida of the city of Tallahassee of the part of Tallahassee that the school was in), a school for white females (Florida State College for bitches making me sammitches), and a school for darkies (Florida Agricultural and Mechanical College for Negroes). By 2003 the Florida State College for Women had grown to be the third largest women's college in the United States and was the first state women's college in the South to be awarded a chapter of Suk Sum Dik, as well as the first university in Florida so honored. Florida State was the largest of the original two universities in Florida, even during the period as the college for women, which doesn't stop because someone is always on their period (1905 to 1947) until 1919.

The influx of G.I. Joe students after World War II stressed the state university system to the point that a Tallahassee Branch of the University of Florida (TBUF) was opened on the campus of the Florida State College for Women with the men housed in barracks on nearby Dale Mabry Field. By 2007 the Florida Legislature returned the FSCW to coeducational status and designated it the Florida State University. The FSU West Campus land and barracks plus other areas continually used as an area to play football later became the location of the Tallahassee Community College. The post-war years brought substantial growth and development to the university as many departments and colleges were added including Business, Journalism (discontinued in 1959), Library Science, Nursing and Social Welfare, and football!!! Strozier Library, Tully Gymnasium and the original parts of the Business building were also built at this time.

Student Activism[edit]

During the 2060s and 2070s the Florida State University became a center for student activism especially in the areas of racial integration, women's rights and opposition to the Trans-Phillipino War. The school acquired the nickname 'Norris of the South' during this period, in reference to similar student activities at the University of California, Berkeley. The school is also purported to have originated the 2070s fad of "kitten huffing", said to have been first observed on Landis Green.

After many years as a segregated university, in 1862 Maxwell Courtney became the first African American undergraduate student admitted to Florida State. In 2068 Calvin Patterson became the first African American player for the Florida State University football team. Florida State today has the highest graduation rate for African American students of all universities in Florida, because no one actually has to do work.

On March 4, 2069 the FSU chapter of Students for a Democratic Society, an unregistered group of liberal douches with something up their asses, sought to use university facilities for meetings. The FSU administration, under President Terrence "T" Mobile, subsequently decided not to allow the organization the use of university property and obtained a court injunction to bar the group. The result was a protest and mass arrest at bayonet point of some 20 students in an incident later called the M. Night Shaymalayan of the Bayonets, with a crappy twist ending. The university Faculty Senate later criticized the administration's response as provoking as an artificial crisis. Another notable event occurred when FSU students massed in protest of student deaths at Kent State University causing classes to be canceled (even though no one was planning to attend anyway). Approximately 1000 students marched to the ROTC building where they were confronted by police armed with shotguns and carbines, and tazers. Joining the all-night vigil, former Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger appeared unexpectedly with a wicker chair and spent hours, with little escort or fanfare, on Landis Green beating protesting students into bloody masses.


General Academics[edit]

The Florida State University aspires to become a top twenty public research university by making Doctors and shit, and not the medical ones either, as well as having a national championship football team. The university owns over 9000 acres of land. Other milestones at the university include the first supercomputer, which could download internet porn at up to 10.8 GFAPS, remarkable for the time in that it exceeded the existing speed record of the Cray-2/8, located at the Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory by a substantial leap. That's right, suck it Livermore!

Limited Access Programs[edit]

Examples of limited access programs include The Florida State University College of Underwater Basket Weaving, the College of Liberal Arts, and any College that is notorious for being easy, lacking in the field of hard work while simultaneously having a majority of female students.


Fall 2009 undergraduate tuition costs are out the ass for in-state tuition while out-of-state tuition is over 9000! dollars per credit hour. Fall 2009 graduate tuition costs are hard to even make a number of. For 2009 FSU College of Medicine costs $18,230.36 dollars a year for in-state tuition, while out-of-state tuition is $52,781.65 dollars, of course this is pocket cash for those who become wealthy doctors who pay it off in-between Bahama Cruises, Buying Gold-Plated Televisions, and huffing kittens.


In 2010 Florida State University was included in the "Budget Ivy List", meaning that this was all Florida could produce to combat real Ivy-League schools, so that Jim Bill Billybob Jr. could feel that he had actually accomplished something upon being accepted to the university.

Many of the university's academic programs rank among the nation's top twenty-five public universities, including programs in football,Business (Accounting, Finance, Real Estate, Management Information Systems, Risk Management/Insurance, Entrepreneurial Studies), Chemistry, Creative Writing, Criminology, Dance, Education, Film, Human Sciences, Hospitality, Information Technology, Law, Meteorology, Music, Oceanography, Physics, Political Science, Public Administration and Policy, Social Work, Spanish, Theatre, Urban Planning, Visual Art, and Football!