|Folgers brand Folgers Crystals Ad (file info)|
|Uncyclopedia has an audio version of this paid advertisement.|
Folks, like you, I'm a simple-minded kinda man. I love the great outdoors.. Mountains.. Hiking.. Butterflies.. And of course, like you, I need to wake up refreshed, greeting each day with a hearty cup o' nature's rich bounty. Is it a coincidence that the only coffee in this ol' cowboy's canteen is the crispity, crunchity goodness only the Folgers corporation can deliver? Few additives, relatively few preservatives.. Ah, look at me ramblin' -- care to sit a spell, try a taste?
Folgers Crystals: The best part of wakin' up, is the mystery that is, Folgers crystals! In your cup!!
These Folgers-brand Folgers Crystals are mined daily, deep in the heart of God's country. As far's the eye can see, fields of beautiful crystals shinin' bright under that big lamp in the sky... shucks, it'd bring a tear to the eye of any real man. Hundreds of proud farmers work day and night to ensure that only the finest, ripest crystals make it from the bush to your coffeepot. Accordin' to our figures, the Folgers company imports over 9,000 lbs. of crystals every day, makin' us the market leader in Folgers Crystal imports. And, tho' I don't know a lick about them fancy com-puters, or that purty intranet them boys've been tellin' me about, I do know that Folgers is at the forefront of crystal minin' technology. Heck, work-related deaths are at an all-time low here at Folgers, and that means just one thing: Quality.
There's no real way to describe the taste of a Folgers crystal, but let me put it inta perspective:
Imagine wakin' up in your beautiful log cabin out in the Pine Hills of rural Montana. You look over to your lovin' wife, who's still sleepin' soundly. Go ahead, breathe in that fresh mountain air. Ahhh, sweet with the scent of Mother Nature's welcoming bosom. Your horse is a'waitin', ready and saddled: you take off into the sunset. Now that's a feelin' only Folgers can deliver.
Now ladies, I know you're even simpler than us simplefolk, so the taste is a bit different for you lot. Imagine yourself in the strong, safe caress of a rugged-yet-sensitive country man. The feelin' of warmth upon your face while he holds you close. The smell of tobacco-chewer's spit when your lips unite. The feel of his precariously positioned six-shooter, resting underneath his pillow. A dream come true? No darlin', it's just them magical little crystals at work.
The Choice is Clear
Now folks, you don't have to drink Folgers brand Folgers Crystals. I'll be the first to tell ya; hundreds of other companies have Folgers Crystals on the market. Some taste okay; most, well, they don't. But one thing is definitely certain: none of our competitors can match the wonder, the splendor of Folgers brand.