Folk Force

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Folk Force was a cadre of American folk superheroes, that operated in the American south and midwest in the 19th Century, but is still rumored to be in existence today.

The indesputable leader of Folk Force was Strings McPickens, although other notable heroes such as ROBOFAULKNER, Colonel Sanders, Trout Larry, Skipper Dixon and Chords McPickens were part of the group. The group's official biographer was Mark Twain.

The group is known for combatting evil and preserving the water quality of Mississippi. They were funded monetarily by a coalition of former US presidents such as James K. Polk and James Buchanan. It should be noted that they invented everything that is good and right with American culture, including Totino's Pizza Rolls.


Establishment of the Folk Force[edit]

In the mid 19th Century, there were a lot of badasses roaming the American frontier. In order to protect its people and preserve Manifest Destiny, the US Government commissioned a group of superpowered folk heroes. This group became known as the Folk Force.

The Folk Force became the top force on the frontier, capturing and placing in jail criminals, water stealers, and Mormons. Brigham Young was the top enemy of Folk Force. Young's bodygaurd was Ted Revolver Steve, who always carried a Six Shooter that only had five bullets. The sixth was his own tooth.

Joseph Smith also accompanied Young and Steve for a short time, and it was Smith who injected himself with a combination of radioactive tritium and copper alloys to become the Steam Boiler.

The Steam Boiler set about the countryside steaming off the Mississippi River. Folk Force set out to destroy the wretched Boiler. The Boiler was soundly defeated in the French Quarter of New Orleans.

Other Adversaries[edit]

It was at this time that the evil land speculator Ezekiel Hawthorne, renowned for his elaborate facial hair, began to go crazy due to a radioactive mustache worm. He set out to control all of the United States, and to turn it into a giant eggplant farm. He was aided in his quest by the Tractor Boys, a group of enraged teenage farmers piloting Uranium-powered Tractors.

The US Government had no resort but to call upon Folk Force, who promptly challenged Ezekiel Hawthorne and the Tractor Boys to a Tractor Pull. Foolishly, the evil cadre accepted. Colonel Sanders fried up his famous chicken and offered it to the Boys, who promply got indigestion. In addition, Strings McPickens played a crazy banjo riff that dazed the Boys. Finally, ROBOFAULKNER pulled the tractor across the finish line with his superhuman strength.

The Tractor Boys were then caught and rounded up, and placed in a jail deep in the Ozark Mountains. However, Hawthorne escaped to Utah, where he still remains this day, hiding among the Monuments in Monument Valley.

Bringham Young had more tricks up his sleeve. He next sent Lyndon Johnson and the Boot Wearing Texans to harass Folk Force. Unfortunately, Young did not anticipate the degree to which Texans love a little banjo music. Strings greeted the fearsome group with "Straw Doll Hootenanny", and the Texans quickly kicked off their boots and danced barefoot in the moonlight. Powerless, without their boots, the Texans collapsed into a puddle of sweaty jelly.

Folk Force then traveled to Utah to finish off Bringham Young forever. They were lured into a giant tabernacle, where they were greeted by Young and Ted Revolver Steve. Bullets and teeth flew everywhere for a moment, until Young and McPickens found two old lightsabers and dueled to the death on the roof of the tabernacle. Strings sliced off Brigham Young's hand neatly, and revealed that he was, in fact, Bringham Young's long lost cousin, but also his father.

The weak minded Ted Revolver Steve, lost without the guidance of Brigham Young (he had, after all, only joined up with the Mormons to grab a couple more wives), offered his services to Folk Force. The group mercifully let him join.

The Nontana Crisis[edit]

Brigham Young, not to be completely foiled by the Folk Force, decided to flee the Mormontacular state of Utah and flee to Idaho, land of the potato. Here, he developed a deep hatred of the United States and the state of Montana, and the state of Affairs. Creating 600,000 of pure mormon TNT, he buried this in his giant secret cave under the state of Montana, The Bunker of Mormitude. He announced to the world on July 16th, 1866 that he would blow up the state of Montana, thus creating a new state, Nontana.

Brigham Young used a timed, highly explosive bomb to try and accomplish this dastardly deed. The US government sent Folk Force west again to save the great state of Montana from becoming a giant crater. Luckily, the newest member of Folk Force, Mr. Time was able to keep generating random seconds. The horrible time bomb never exploded; and Brigham Young was foiled yet again.

Young then fled to Kansas. In the corn fields of Kansas, Brigham Young found the Fountain of Ambition, thus endowing him with a crazy sense of overambition. Strings and the Folk Force were right on his heels. As Brigham Young stepped out of the Fountain of Ambition, Strings McPickens, leader of the Folk Force, punched Young in the face so hard that he flew over the border of Kansas into Arkansas. He fell into the earth so hard that he fell underground, becoming compressed so much that he turned into sedimentary rock. The vapors released from the earth turned Arkansas into Bizarro Kansas.


The Botanist[edit]

Soon after Arkansas became Bizarro Kansas, a strange gardener from Denmark was attacked by mutant zombies. He fended them off with a garden spade, but was bitten by a zombie and thus became half-zombie.

He then crossed the sea to America where he set about destroying stuff. He threw gardening spades at people because he was angry, and into the open wounds he threw seeds and miracle gro, thus making giant radioactive zombie plants grow out of the wounds.

The solution to this was found by ROBOFAULKNER and Smoky Harry. The Botanist's agenda (to destroy stuff) conflicted with ROBOFULKNER's agenda (to destroy shit). ROBOFAULKNER did not want his purpose to be minimized, and thus he vowed to eliminate The Botanist. He was joined by Smoky Harry because the Botanist knew of a new, more cancerous type of Tobacco. They immediately left the Folk Force headquarters in pursuit of The Botanist.

The found The Botanist in the Amazon Rainforest. A duel to the death ensued. Smoky Harry had an advantage because he could not be seen, as he was concealed by a cloud of cancerous cigar smoke, and the Botanist could not locate him or throw spades at him. Even if he could, the cancerous smoke would destroy the seeds. ROBOFAULKNER eliminated him with a deathray after Smoky Harry got him in a headlock.

After they returned to the United States, ROBOFAULKNER and Smoky Harry got demerits because The Botanist was actually increasing biodiversity.


Bizarro Force[edit]

As the vapors of doom seeped up from the giant compacted crater that was once the great corn producing hub of Kansas, a bizarre shift in space-time transported an aging Belfast street urchin named Seamus Blarney to the center of the fight for liberty. Which side would he choose? Folk or Mormon?

Unfortunately, the strange character, adept with the Kazoo, breathed in a lungful of the strange brew seeping up from the American continent, which was full of Radon-222. Aside from causing lung cancer, it skyrocketed the man's lung capacity, allowing him to play unworldly melodies on the kazoo. He adopted the moniker Toots O'Kazoo, and advertized extensively, looking for a jug band.

Toots never found that band, but he did find Brigham Young in a shady bar in the south side of non-Kansas City. Hypnotized by the power of the Mormon faith, as well as free onion rings on the tab of Young, O'Kazoo swore on his life to serve Brigham Young and destroy Strings McPickens and the Folk Force.

To accomplish his dastardly goal, Toots collected a group of individuals that came to be known as Bizarro Force, an eclectic collection of strange individuals that did not subscribe to the ideas of the Folk Force, but rather supported Tall Tales instead. Members included: MECHASTEINBECK, The Burger King, Ned Daggar Joe, Billy The Scrod, Huey GoldenMane, Abraham Orange and The Cumberbund. Toots also coated his kazoo with pure lead, and while this made his tootling on the kazoo sound 100% better, it also made him 100% freakin' certified insane, due to lead poisoning. It also made him deliciously evil.

Bizarro Force thought big, and so they decided to hold the entire city of Chicago hostage. The mayor called Folk Force to save the city. As Folk Force arrived in the city, Strings sought out his adversary, Toots. They found each other in an abandoned grain warehouse, Toots eating dry oatmeal, giggling, and playing "Yankee Doodle" on the kazoo. The two engaged in Musical Kombat, and though the going was tough, the banjo beat the kazoo, because it had superior tonality. Toots O'Kazoo spontaneously combusted upon losing, but was not killed. However, he lost the ability to hum, essential to the art of kazoo playing. The devastated Toots went even more crazy. He was captured, bound, and sent to a mental asylum, where his burn covered body still rests today, silent as a bullfrog in a vacuum cleaner.

Trouble[edit]

As Folk Force defeated enemy after enemy, the government began to get worried. Had they created an uncontrollable force, prone to destroy the galaxy and the very fabric of space-time? Would they create a mobius strip out of the Universe, and therefore, destroy America?

The government took action, sending the US Army to destroy Folk Force. Folk Force held the army at bay while Strings McPickens, the undeniable leader of the group, attempted to reason with the President, Benjamin Harrison. However, the deranged Harrison refused to listen. When the public heard about this, they rose up in favor of the wildly popular group of folk heroes. This became known as the Second American Civil War, the one you don't hear about. Folk Force, afraid for their lives, was forced to flee into the mountains. They've never been seen again, but it's been said that they still roam the countryside, seeking to do good, and maybe, if you wish hard enough upon a shooting star, they'll come to your aid.


Brief Descriptions of Members and their Powers[edit]

Strings McPickens: The leader of the group, he possessed hypnotizing skills with the banjo, and could knock out a man at 10 paces with just one chord. He also was a master of judo.

Colonel Sanders: You know, the dude makes good chicken. He'll kill you if you ask for the recipe.

ROBOFAULKNER: Created by Mark Twain and Oscar Wilde to "destroy shit." His stream of consciousness is 8000 rpm, and he can write a full length novel in a minute. And he can do a mean robot.

The Tie: Not much is known about him, but he wears crazy ties, and speaks Icelandic. His original name was Hakkendjädèr Isbørdssen. The only reason he's in the group is because it is mandatory for a group of superheroes to have at least one member whose name begins with "the." He also can create epic poems, some of which predict the future, but only in his sleep.

Chords McPickens: The illegitimate son of the famous Strings McPickens, he was raised by blind horses. He has the senses of an animal and is a gambleaholic.

Trout Larry: AKA Lawrence Bass. The best Hold 'em player there ever was, and god help you if you ever find yourself in a fight with this rabid fish.

Moses Purple: The purplest-wearing steamboat captain you'll ever see, mark my words.

Smoky Harry: Invisible to the naked eye because he is always awash in a cloud of cigar smoke. He causes cancer.

Harley IronClaw (sometime ally of the Folk Force): The craftiest king of the bears there ever was. He fell in a vat of radioactive steel whilst a cub. At times he was both an adversary and an ally of Folk Force.

Ted Revolver Steve: This tooth shootin' wiseguy joined Folk Force after he had no teeth left to shoot.

Mr. Time: Besides having a really cool name, he can randomly generate seconds.

Unnamed Character (later identified as Skipper Dixon): Almost as good at playing the washboard as Strings McPickens is at playing the banjo, he protects himself with impervious washboard armor that can deflect bullets. Also when the light hits it, it blinds.

The Stipulator: His special power is to randomly generate statistically impossible conditions under which certain situations may only occur. His real name is Deus X. Machina. The X stands for Xavier.