Food poisoning was developed by the world famous G.P. Dr. Alfred Gregory as a method for ordinary humans to combat food. While not a threat in itself, food in sufficient (and excessive) quantities may disrupt and interfere with normal human life, and when events have deteriorated to that stage, drastic action is often necessary to remove the pest. Oftentimes, food poisoning is the preferred method to remove unwanted food from a building.
History of food poisoning
To fully describe the history of food poisoning, one invariably has to examine the life and early childhood of the good Dr. Alfred Gregory. At a young age, Dr. Gregory suffered a traumatic experience at the hands of food. The nature of this experience is unknown, although he has stated on one occasion that "it involved horrific things with teeth and tongues", suggesting that at some point, he was forced to engage in consumption and digestion with food, possibly for erotic purposes. Regardless, the subsequent psychological scarring was so powerful that, to this day, Dr. Gregory has an intense dislike for food, and seeks to kill and eat food whenever he finds the time to.
The then-young Alfred, after being forced to commit acts an innocent child should never have to (let alone with food), immediately lapsed into solitude and depression. Statements by his mother describe him as a complete loner, almost as though he feared the world and its startlingly high food content. Understandably, he was thus shunned by the other children of his age, as "doing the licky-chewy" with food was considered an "in thing". In his isolation, he turned to books and studying, which led to his prodigal intelligence at an amazingly young age. However, his lack of human-human and human-food interactions inevitably led to his fear of food turning into a hatred of food.
Despite his complete abhorrence of food of any sort, Dr. Gregory managed to survive school by avoiding the cafeterias entirely, and only eating food that had been killed, cooked, and reduced to a form which bore absolutely no resemblance to its source. His earlier fervor for studying had given him enough intelligence to attend university at the tender age of seventeen, and it was there that he was first exposed to organic chemistry.
This exposure to organic chemistry, coupled with his intense hatred for food, fuelled and formed the foundation for Dr. Gregory's invention of food poisoning. In 1954, the budding doctor finally recorded his first case of killing a rogue steak with a dose of cyanide, sparking the worldwide revolution in food extermination methods. No longer would food be a problem pest for peoples worldwide.
How it works
As its name states, food poisoning works by poisoning a quantity of food, thus rendering it harmless. Food, a pest in many developed nations worldwide, is also constantly evolving in these countries. As such, poison remains one of the most effective weapons against food, outshining more modern methods such as genetic engineering and prayer.
Most food poisoning methods involve adding the poison directly to food. As food is a motionless animal, this method is the easiest, and comparatively safe, making it the most widely used method. However, there are people who fear food to such an extent that they will only poison it at arm's length or further. Such delivery methods include spooning an appropriate quantity of poison into food, dropping the poison into the food from a height, etc. etc. For those especially paranoid, delivery methods include poison darts, liquid poison hoses, etc.etc.
The poisons most effective against food, starting with the strongest, are ricin, cyanide, and arsenic. Their names describe the foods they are the most effective against. For example, ricin is particularly deadly against grains and staples, cyanide is particularly useful against blue cheeses, and arsenic kills most rump meat it is added to. Of course, other poisons are used against food. Notable ones are:
- Hemlock, used against hams
- Strychnine, developed for use against carbohydrates
- Aconite, a nut killer
The poison added to the food simply kills the food, much in the same way it kills other organisms.
Food poisoning today
Food poisoning, while having been carried out for millenia, has only been recently accepted as a science, and was not known in its present form to ancient civilisations. For example, the Greek philosopher Socrates once tried to save himself from a particularly deadly strain of water by poisoning it with hemlock. Unfortunately, he did not know that water was, in fact, immune to hemlock, and he died from the venomous bite of dihydrogen monoxide. However, this is an isolated case; it was not until the 1960s and beyond that food poisoning cases were recorded systematically, and so we have little knowledge about the food poisoning scene before then.
- Food poisoning is especially prevalent in third world countries, and the pest has been eliminated with such success that oftentimes, the only form of food present is a harmless subspecies known as tree bark. Much like the cockroach, food thrives in developed nations, where wastage of resources fuels the spread of this parasite, even though the best efforts at food poisoning are carried out there.
- In Bulgaria, food poisoning is the Government's excuse for using nerve gas on gypsies.
- In Australia, food poisoning is the biggest form of short, bald Prime Ministers.
- In the United States of America, it is the biggest cause of liver dysfunction. Food here is such a widespread pest that people have more or less given up trying to kill it, resulting in a population suffering from overexposure to the harmful poisons produced by food.
- In France, it is thought to be an act of heresy.
- In England, it is considered high treason to mention it around Buckingham palace and the house of lords.
Defense against fresh fruit
One particularly dangerous strain of food is the fruit. Oftentimes, people are exposed to fruit unknowingly, whether through drink or as an additive. The effects of fruit are hard to detect immediately, though they are cumulative, and take years to remove from the body. Thus, Dr. Gregory paid specific attention to the development of techniques for use against fresh fruit.
Against this, Dr. Gregory often had to resort to stronger methods to eliminate fruit. Poisons were still effective, albeit to a lesser degree, due to the ability of fruit to absorb and render poison harmless to itself.