Table football

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Table football.

Table football is the national sport of Uzbekistan. It has many strange and confusing traditions which we will henceforth unravel. The core of Table football (or "fuseball" as it is blasphemously known) is the 10 commandments of table football. It will be fully recognised as a sport when it is included in the 2012 Olympic games (which, contrary to popular opinion, will be held in North Korea)

The history of table football[edit]

Created around 16 million years ago by the race of super-intelligent snakes which preceded us as the dominant species on Earth, Table football was prominently used as a way of getting around the problem that having no limbs posed them in sporting terms. Contrary to common belief, normal football (or "crappy football") was inspired by table football, and not the other way around, for the purpose of justifying gay porn by having sweaty men running around a lot, chasing what is essentially a testicle and calling it a sport. It was enstated as the national sport of Uzbekistan after the little men on the table nobly agreed to be used as trial runs for the human genome project research. Those courageous bastards. As Jensen gazed helplessly across the table at Edwin, Edwin eyed up the narrow opening, spun his guys with all his might and dominated Jensen, scoring the final goal and shutting Jensen out in the process. Jensen was dominated and he knew it. Edwin was victorious as he told Jensen (now on the ground crying after the defeat), I have no idea why you even played me. You had no chance. I am the almight foosball God. You are the epitome of sucking at foosball.

Table football and its impact on modern society[edit]

The French team losing to Vin Diesel (not pictured).

The most significant effect Table football has had on the modern world is in the pivotal role it played in uniting east and west Germany, when the fate of the Berlin wall was bet on a game of table football. Currently the best table football team in the world is the Chinese team, who excel at it as they do at all sports which require no actual physical exertion (such as ping-pong, archery, checkers, and dictatorship).

The ten commandments of table football[edit]

  1. Thou shalt love thy table as if thy table was black
  2. But not in that way
  3. As such, thou shalt certainly not commit any carnal acts with thy Table
  4. Thou shalt not treat thy table as an object- thou shalt treat it as a strong, confident woman who is just as important to society as thou art
  5. Thou shalt respect thy father and thy mother's Tables
  6. Thou shalt not steal a Table (unless it is used in the unification of a divided country such as Germany or Ireland)
  7. Thou shalt touch the handles with thy hands, and nothing else
  8. thou shalt respect the human rights of the little men on thy table
  9. Thou shalt not refer to the colours of thy little men in order to identify them, as this could be misconstrued as racism
  10. Finally, and most importantly, thoul shalt not refer to this great sport as "fuseball" on pain of death, and lots of pain preceding it... unless you are Joe Falsetta