Ford Trucks and Cars
Ford (Wow, this car is Falling apart On me and Rusting heavily while I Drive, or more affectionately as Found On Road Dead), spelled 4rd by retards, is the modern American vehicle of choice for cow-tipping. Also said to be Fixed Or Repaired Daily.
The history of Ford dates back to the early 10th century when it magically evolved out of a primordial soup of motor grease and low quality amoebas. Ford was captured by the Turkish during the 15-second war, and then captured by Americans in the 100 years war. Ford was subsequently destroyed in WWXII in 1944AD by the armies of Chrysler Motors Co. and Vlad the Impala. However, the Japanese branch remained in production in Hiroshima, despite the 1945 bombings. The Americans then stole the technology from Japan and with the help of the Finnish Designer, Ydfgsk Qwertyspam, created the first Fjord. And by created we mean his cloning machine malfunctioned and spewed out junk which was then relabelled as Ford. Ford is moving their factories to China because the labor is cheap and nobody in the United States gives a fuck about buying American cars.
“ROMANCE is not to be found in a Ford car. The automobile is almost as deadly an enemy of adventure as the telephone and the radio. All of these instruments destroy loneliness, and there can be no romance, no adventure, no mystery, no poetry - none of the things which make life worth living - without loneliness. In spite of that, in older days about 50 percent of the American population was conceived in the backseat of a Model T-Ford.”
Ford's slogan is Currently "Built Ford Tough". This is completely accurate. Fords start very reliably when they are connected with jumper cables to a Toyota and drive for many miles when attached to a tow-truck. Fords have been seen driving around with a whopping 500 miles on them, although servicing is required every 10 miles or so. Often, proud Ford owners like to stop on the side of freeways to let other drivers see the magnificient plumes of smoke rising from the engine. There are even dedicated Ford museums known as landfills.
Ford vehicles custom-built for specialised purposes include:
- The Ford Taurus - was Ford's Hunk Of Shit from 1986 to 2007, and was reintroduced as a gas-guzzling, old people mobile in 2008. People say it sucks more zebra balls then a Pruis.
- The Ford Escort - an oversized automobile manufactured specifically by monkeys and people named Henry Ford, travelling to see their babysitters. Its primary characteristics are that it is smaller and cheaper than the pimpmobile, leaving its occupant with the impression that she has somehow been screwed over once again.
- The Ford Falcon - The Ford Falcon is Ford's main large vehicle, created in 1960, to combat imports. Now only available in Australia and famously known as the ugliest car ever designed in Australia, the AU Falcon is still laughed at every time it is observed on roads from Sydney to the Outback. Some have said the AU Falcon actually caused the global financial crisis, others suggest that had it been around in the late 1800s Hitler's parents would have been so put off by the car they would never have engaged in intercourse. The Falcon was rejected as the car being used in the Steven King Movie- Christine as he did not know a good car when he saw one- as well as the fact one chased him back home.
- The Ford Fairmont - A Ford Falcon with a 6 disc CD player, leather and two snobs in the front seats.
- The Ford GT500 - A mid-engine, V8 sports coupe built to compete with practically everything, including the wallet of the average quadrillionaire. Top speed (terminal velocity) of over 250 MPH is theoretically achivable, provided that the engine does not (and this is the clincher) burst into flames and incinerate the passengers while flying down Lombard Street, scattering normally-crucial engine parts into the path of horrified onlookers. Notable GT500 owners are recovering in the burn unit at Sacred Heart Memorial Hospital and/or being reassembled by apologetic Ford engineers.
- The Ford Tempo - Used to transport homosexual musicians on their way back from a bad acid trip. There were over 9 made.
- The Ford Crown Victoria Police Interceptor A car that cops use for chasing/running down kitten huffers and Xbox 360 owners, on foot. If hit from a rear-end collision, the resulting explosion can decimate up to 800 city blocks.
- The Ford Pinto Bean - Using a hybrid external combustion engine the Ford Pinto Bean became widely used as Powerful Incendiary Napalm-Technology Ordnance in the Country's defence from Ralph Nader's presidential ambitions. Not only was the Pinto used for defense of consumerists but became the main vehicle in trucking businesses that would soon be destroyed and created by CEO of Toyota. If you leant on the back seat it would go up like a barn and you would be charcoal. During the International Auto Show in Detroit in January 1979, Ford VP of Design Del Murdock was getting increasingly agitated by allegations that the Pinto was a high risk vehicle. Murdock pleaded with the press; "Listen! There is nothing at all wrong with the Ford Pinto. It is not a hazard. It is not a risk. It is a good car". Somebody then gently bumped into Mr. Murdock and he exploded, with bits of his polyester suit strewn all over the place. The Ford Pinto Bean was used extensively in the Iraq war to bomb underground bunkers.
- The Ford Prefect included a book with an ARM micro-based device ("The Thumb") to hitchhike rides from passing spacecraft when broken down at roadside.
- The Ford L-Series was a series of heavy-duty trucks made since 1970. "L" stands for "look what just ran over." People who drive these are losers.
- The Ford Excursion was a full-size passenger tank bigger than a hot dog meant to carry a soccer mom and a maximum of one child, to and from soccer practice. It had an amazing 1 gallons per mile of gasoline fuel consumption.
- The Ford Scorpion was perhaps the worlds most ugly car to date, also known as the frog sucking a prune.
- The Edsel was the first American made space car. Never seen since. One day it will return the legend says.
- The Ford Ka is perhaps the best Ford to date, because it is so small that it cannot be seen with the naked eye. Ford's marketing department ran out of names, so they simply called it 'Car'. Renault claimed to own the copyright to the word 'car', however, so they were forced to spell it wrong to avoid legal action.
- The Ford Focus - Ford's designers created this vehicle during their first moment of constipation. Too cheap for the rich, too expensive for the poor and a blantant copy of Crapmobile's Feces, this car has somehow managed to invade every country in the Western hemisphere despite having no apparent redeeming qualities. It's blandness has made it an instant hit with Midlanders.
- The Ford Contour/Mercury Mystique were the dynamic duo originally engineered by Yugo. Ford was so enamoured by the forward-thinking engineering of this vehicle that they immediately purchased the design, rights to produce and tooling from Yugo. Ford produced this passenger car from 1901 through 2005, where it won Consumer's Report's "Best Vehicle EVER" award for every year it was produced. For the 104 years the Contour/Mystique were made over 1,2oo,ooo,ooo units were sold.
- The Ford W-Series is another giant box on wheels, made for the American market. This one is a heavy-duty cabover made since 1966. People who drive these are winners.
- The Model T Ford was only available as a black van driven by Mr. T of the A Team
- The Ford Mustang is ONLY like the first vehicle ever ever made by Harrison Ford. Made in 2082C.E. as a racing car named after a horse with small feet and like th biggest fuckin' tallywacker you've like EVER seen. nowere on the vehicle does it say "FORD" as the very logo- says everything- horsepower- it just has pictures of small horses- with the horse rider hiding under the bonnet. It is a trailer trash sports car.
- The Ford Fiesta - small, underpowered and poorly equipped, the Fiesta is made extremely popular by its name, which not only refers to a type of celebration in which nudity is enforced, but also invokes memories of a 1960s softcore pornography magazine of the same name.
- The Ford Thunderboyd was a Ford vehicle designed by Boyd Coddington when he was listening to AC/DC's 'Thunderstruck'. The infamous prototype has the name 'Thundaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah aaaaaaaaRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!' written on it's hood.
- The Ford Mundano is a favorite of sales persons the world over. In many developed countries it is illegal to drive these in any other place than the outside lane of a motorway and may not be further than three thousandths of an inch from the car in front.
- The Ford C-Series was a small cabover truck made from 1957 to 1990. It's crap, and that's all I have to say about it.
- The Ford Fusion is an obvious knockoff on the Gillete Fusion shaver. Ford was even nice enough to include Gillete Fusion's razor blades on the Ford Fusion's grill. Ford wants you to think that it's powered by a prototype Fusion Reactor.
- The "Ford Windstar" is the only known van to combine rust with shit, and slap it onto wheels.
- The "Ford Explorer" is the vehicle that carries numerous amounts of people, particularly hoes and prostitutes, usually drivin by a pimp! the SUV is also been nicknamed the exploder for all the recalls on its gas tank, due to randomly exploding while drivng.
- The Ford Ice Cream Truck is a truck that can hold ice-cream.The car drives like a Ford Pinto.WTF?The truck was made in 1977 and ice cream was called IScream.
- The "Ford Probe" also know as the anal probe, was brought to you from the creaters of trojan anal lube. The only good thing these cars could do was to probe Harrison Fords anal Cavity. Best wrapped in toilet paper.
- Ford Transit - a van that always brakes down when you think about it. Micheal Jackson Owns a 1986 Ford Transit, which he uses to park in front of primary schools and offer candy to little kids, then takes them into the van for rape & sodomy.
- The Ford FEV Offers instant mutant powers to the driver
- Ford Safety Bike, a pedal bike advertised as "Ford's most fuel efficient vehicle, all because it is a zero-emission vehicle. It is also ford's most reliable and least expensive vehicle (by all moneytary dynamics). Comes with automobile headlights to conform to DOT approval code!
- Fjord, many people actually get this confused.
- Car manufacturers
- Car salesmen
- Gerald Ford
- Henry Ford
- Harrison Ford
- Fnord (nonexistent)
- V8 Supercars