Ford Pinto

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Ford Pinto.
The Ford Pinto demonstrating its external combustion engine.


In 1967 the Ford Corporation was infiltrated by Harrison Ford (voiced by Sean Connery), a closet cannibal and undercover agent of the Fnord group. Fnord were envious of the much greater popularity and fame of their n-less older brother, but since this conflicted with their secret Illuminati charter, they hired a contractor to avoid any cognitive dissonance which would drive down their ultra-secret share price.

Harrison's ulterior motive was to open a chain of cannibal and fried green tomato drive-in restaurants across the Bible Belt. The plan was, without any risk of overstatement, sheer genius. By cleverly integrating a hybrid external combustion engine into a stylish compact car, the Ford Pinto was marketed to the WASP population of middle America, who are renowned for their crispy pink skin and juicy tender leg meats when barbequed at high temperatures. As long as auto sales were good, his small but growing customer base would be guaranteed a steady supply of delicious roadside meals.

The Ford Pinto Mark II: Mach 0.00004[edit]

The Pinto was so successful that they stopped making them 54 days later. The car got a maximum 9.5 miles per gallon. Coincidentally, 9.5 miles was also the record for the longest distance driven before causing an explosion.

The classic Ford Pinto can be found lurking in many backyards, concealed by brambles, kudzu, and empty beer cans. The external combustion engine gave it the power and acceleration of a quadriplegic in a manual wheelchair. There have been many cases that someone has left their house, got to a stop sign 400 feet away, accelerated and got to another stop sign 35 feet away from that, and their engine will still be sitting in their driveway.

The first prototypes were driven off the line by Ford senior executives, who suggested the addition of hydraulic brakes.

The only country where Ford Pinto is still produced is Argentina, where they learned to love and tender these cars. Thus the brazilian saying: "Argentinos adoram chupar um pinto", which means "Argentinians really like to drive a Pinto".


In addition to Shit Green, the most popular colour, the Pinto also came in Texas Chili Red, Mayo White, Barbeque Sauce Brown, Mustard Yellow, Baby Poop Yellow, and Salsa Verde. Ford was the first car maker in North America to use Scratch'n'Sniff paint in mass production.

The sight of a shit green piece of shit flying down the road at 34 mph (55 km/h) and exploding in a giant fireball was not easily forgotten[disputed]. The factory paint job would usually turn to a darker charcoal black.

A "sport" edition of the car was produced especially for the Bible Belt pimp demographic. Ford created an all-fashionable babe magnet that seated four and had AM/FM radio. The car was 4 x 2 feet in diameter and the pimps would have to strap their ho's on the roof, but every time the car hit a speed bump it would either flip, burst into flames, or the engine would die. Typically, the biggest maintenance cost was replacing the ho's who were crushed, burnt up, or killed by hypothermia. The Ford Pinto was also originated from the Pinto Family, the same family who created the Pinto Beans sometime around the 13th century, the first Ford Pinto was one horsepower and was owned by an Indian Dude somewhere back then. The Next model was a wagon version which could have up to 4 horse power. In Later years, more models were created. The car was originally created to be as retarded as possible but sadly became the common wealth car. The creators were extremely disappointed. Cheese.


As the final stroke of Harrison Ford's masterpiece, the Pinto was fitted with a fuel tank made from recycled Shop-Rite plastic bags. After giving them an unsolvable design problem, all his engineers were sent to a week-long creativity workshop where they came up with the idea. Product manager Phil Ratzik later testified that during their brainstorming session, they realized that everyone present had two or more kitchen cabinets filled with Shop-Rite bags. Ratzik's team received an award and a 13" color TV for this unique solution. The TV ended up on top of the department's mini-fridge, where it can still be seen today.

See Also[edit]

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