Franco-Prussian War

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Napoleon 'Franco' (left) and Otto 'Prusso' (right) displaying rival facial hair !

The Franco-Prussian War was yet another incident wherein the French were creamed by someone or another.

Origins of the Conflict[edit]

France had gone quite some time without the typical bitch-slapping from England or Germany. France had in fact been left alone since 1815. The Supreme Cheese of France decided to attack Germany. Germany quickly assembled at least 37 soldiers. It was perhaps at this point the French remembered they were far too busy to fight as they all had something to do. In fact, most of them had forgot to cancel the milk. Several of them converted to Germanyism and a few announced they weren't really soldiers after all, they were just pretending. In fact, only 800 soldiers were left. They were all banded together. On closer inspection it was discovered none of them were French. They were re-named the 'French Foreign Legion' and continue to be the only fighting force in France worth jack.

Napoleon III has often been mocked for starting a war against a much stronger opponent. He had planned on forming an alliance with England and Austria-Hungary. However, British Prime Minister Lord Sauron demanded, as a condition for the alliance, "All lands east of the Seine shall be Sauron's, forever. All lands from the Seine to the Pyrenees shall be tributary to Sauron, forever." Austrian Emperor Franz Joseph also refused to assist the French, as he was was still angry at Napoleon III for beating him at poker. Napoleon also hoped that the Ruritanians would send an army to rescue him, but he failed to realize that the Kingdom of Ruritania does not actually exist.

The Opposing Armies[edit]

The Prussian army. Prussia was under the interesting belief that their blue outfit would camouflage them among the population. Interestingly, camouflage is a French word as they are adept at hiding and trying not to be seen during times of war.

Contrary to popular belief, France has never lost a war. This is a because there are two sides to a war. What France has done has been repeatedly massacred throughout history, often by the same person or themselves.

At the dawn of the battle-day, Napoleon III got up and addressed his troop. "Our only hope," he said, "is that the Prussians have forgotten to bring any men, guns, or other weapons." Tragically this was not the case and France surrendered after bravely resisting for 12 minutes.

Battles of the Campaign[edit]

"Gosh, it's a good thing we're so up ourselves and don't accept American influence, otherwise we might've eaten McDonalds and have been to morbidly obese to participate in our favourite sport of running away!"

The battles occured all the way through the war until Belgium decided to stop fighting whereupon it became a one-sided affair.

The Rape of Paris[edit]

Paris Hilton is shocked to hear she is involved in a story that is bringing her no financial reward.

This war set a precedent for Germany beating France by specifically going through Belgium. it happened three times, quite a dubious honour.

Aftermath[edit]

A brave cavalry office defending the last Free French slice of Brie before the 'bratwursters' killed him with a cheese knife! This image is, of course, false. The man in question is not French.

The only good thing about the war was that friendly fire incidents were kept to a minimum as it was the last war in which America did not stick it's nose in, or at least tried to stick it's nose in before realising it was too fat.

There are several underlining reasons that the French lost, listed in order of significance:

  1. They were French.
  2. No-one wanted to help them out on this one.

France and Germany now enjoy a cordial relationship. This is because France appreciates that Germany could invade in a long weekend, and because Germany realises that if she were to conquer France they'd have to occupy it. Besides its much more fun sneering at England! Sneering at England is a sport in many countries that have been invaded more than once in the past 1000 years. This sadly applies to every country in the world, excepting of course England. One wonders why the French and Germans, and indeed, anyone sneers at England as it is the best place in the world. Presumably, it is because after trying to invade in:

~Medieval times: France, Scotland, even Wales tried to take some land sometimes, though it is now like England's little brother. ~1588-Spanish armada-crushed ~1500s-French plans-crushed before they took off ~1600s-Catholics from spain and other places-crushed ~Late 1600s-WAR OF THE SPANISH SUCCESSION-brutally crushed, considered the first World War in history. Losers included most of Germany, France and Spain. ~1700s-Jacobite Scots-crushed ~1760s-7 YEARS' WAR-second World War, losers included France. Epic win. ~Late 1700s-1815-NAPOLEONIC WARS. Considered the third World War. France crushed again, Britain seen in a good light.Tolerant status assured for next 200 years. ~1814-Gunboat war. Scandinavia crushed. ~1910s-GREAT WAR. Considered the fourth World War. Germany destroyed with Austria. ~1939-1945-SECOND WORLD WAR. Britain stands alone, later helped by USSR and America. Wins. Germany, Vichy France, Bulgaria, Italy, Hungary, Romania, Japan and others crushed. Britain SAVES FREEDOM. Had not they stood up the war would almost certainly swung in the favour of Facsism or Communism. ~20th century-Various terrorists from Irealand, the Middle East etc. either crushed or in the process of being crushed. In addition, since 1066, the British have also crushed the French in the 100 years' war, again many times up until Henry VIII (inclusive), conquered Australia, much of the Americas and Africa up until 1900 or so, defeated the Chinese in two Opium Wars, and nearly every country in the world in some conflict or another, including the USA in the 1812 war, where the States sided with Evil and Tyrrany (Napoleon) in a World War.

Basically, sneering is the only vaguely effective measure. Sneering, and reminding the British that, as Anglo-SAXONS, they are part Norse, part German with the tiniest drip of Celtic blood; or that England was founded by a French viking invader and has been ruled by Germans without interruption since 1738.

Tahiti[edit]

Tahiti did not win the war due to lack of participation.

See also[edit]


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