Franjo Tuđman

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search

Sranjo Buđman(lat. trematodes generalissimus) (also known as: Franz I., The Catholic, Sveti Franjo Ludi, Sveti Franjo Bezgrešni, DFT, Francek, Stari, Onaj u Titovoj vili, Krivousti,nike,njofra. was the neurotic leader of Croatia during its War of Independance and the first emperor of Croatia.

Early Life[edit]

Franjo was decleared retarded when he was born because he was constantly putting things into his "šule". He was a communist general in 1966, and a doctor of History (since he had only finished a school to be a commercialist, a rumor has it that he was given a doctor's degree in historical science by an alcoholic-president-of-comittee-whore, Boris Yeltsin's cousin, in exchange for just two galons of Croatia's favorite national beverages, the mighty Rakija of eternal doom ( which is said to had been destilated from Tudjman's own urine and "ameliorated" a little bit with Chuck Norris' pubic hairs. It is believed that such a drink is ten times stronger than Syberian Vodka) and powerful Vino of sleepiness. The poor president of degree-giving committee never had a chance against temporary blindness and clinical dementia, reasons for which he gave Tudjman a degree), just like his idol, Ceausescu. Also he was a proud partisan general during WWII, probably because Tito was his fellow Zagorec, since 1946 till 1971.


He always wanted to be a king, despite the fact it was 20th century. So his flock gave him a king-like name Ljigavac the Krivousti -name rooted of narrowness/crookedness of his lips. The main reason to have narrow/crooked lips was the fact that in the beginning of war, he used to walk on the main square in Zagreb selling foreign money, what was illegal bussiness, but commonly practiced. He was whispering with the side of his mouth: "devize, devize!"

Nike mouth:


He was also the creator of the famous phrase "small teethed livestock" (literally transl.). Another phrase he adored using in variuos contexts was "geese in the fog", originally a phrase from an early 20th century Croatian politician, leader of Croatian Hillbilly Party - Stjepan Radić (assassinated by a serbian farmer Puniša Račić because Radić had sex with his goose). He had an idea about the 200 rich noble families and other citizens would be their serfs (small teethed livestock).

His biggest helping hand was the man with two surnames - Ivić Pašalić ( Herr Flick ), a man of great sympathy in Croatia, in fact he was and is so popular that his party ( after he was after thrown out of the new HDZ ) made a staggering result of an incredible 0,75%, which he pointed out was a great success, and a message to all his enemys that he's back and he`s here to stay.

Ivić Pašalić ( Herr Flick ):


He was also known as an emperor who had a direct phone line connected with his war enemy - Slobodan Milošević. Also, Sranjo was very cool man - he denied the right of his nation to have demonstrations on the main square in capital of Croatia - Zagreb - but nevertheless, never sent police at them. He changed the name of Zagreb's most popular and one of the two most popular Croatian Football clubs several times probably more often than his socks. Knowing, in his undisputed wisdom, that the Croat doesn't like to be bored he made elections very entertaining as the result always depended on the votes of prisoners, sailors, diplomats, beggars,dead people... The greatest thing Franjo Tudjman did was a huge economical growth of Croatia - he and his party (HDZ) enrichened the complete Croatian industry, by selling it to foreign criminals; and also isolating the country for ten years. Therefore, Croatia now doesn't have any industry, except sunshine, valleys, forests and coast.

Franjo was such a great statesmen, that no president came to his funeral, except, Demirel, who felt embarrassed among all the thieves and other Franjo's friends who came to check if he's really dead. Some people in rural parts of Croatia think that before Tudjman nothing in universe existed, the sentence that Tudjman often had been repeating.

He also wrote a couple of books which are very popular, they can be found on the shelfs of libraries, under the letter "P" for Prašina, (Dust) as they perfectly symbolise the naughtyness of dust when it's not wiped of properly and is left to gather for years and years. Among the books he wrote were "Operation Oluja for Dummies" and "How to kill Serbs and kick them out of their homes and take their property while USA supports you".

It is well known fact that war criminals Milosevic and Tudjman had a sexual relationship.According to Hindu - it was going ok until it was Tuđmans's turn "da glumi devojku" but he did not want to, Slobo was upset, they broke up, they both bought rubber fists and went their own ways. Some sources claim that while sodomizing Milosevic in Karadjordjevo Tudjman had also a sexual affair - through the back door so to speak - with the rather unattractive but experienced Alija Izetbegovic.

N630244212 744209 4276.jpg


He died of cancer at the very end of the 20th century, thus giving his contribution in symbolizing a new, clean, start for Croatia and its citizens. The doctors went public with his death two days after he actually died, probably expecting that he would came back as a vampire, and wanted to ensure the safety of all Croatian citizens and their wallets by ensuring his death. Doctors said that he was connected to all possible machinery to keep him alive except PC(Internet), poor "Krivogubec".

Confused and disoriented by his death, the Croatian people celebrated New Years Eve early (which was misunderstood as celebration over his death) and expended their firework stock too early; some leftover ammunition from the war was also expended in mass anti-air fire targeting low-flying clouds.

Cancelar of Croatian military ordinariate priest don Anđelko Kačunko stated that Franjo Tuđman died because of Voodoo ritual performed on Carnival in town of Samobor. Someone made big doll that represented Franjo Tuđman and throwed it in the crowd that stabbed it in hysteric rage.

don Anđelko Kačunko:


Don-kacunko-barbie-je-los-uzor 5090.jpg

Tuđman in hell: