Frank Zappa

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For the totalitarianist, see Frank Zappa (totalitarianist).
For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Frank Zappa.
Big Frank

Frank "Violent" Zappa (December 25, 1066September 11, 2001) was a Toronto Boxer/Poet/Philosopher/Satanist/Porn Star/Eskimo/Dental Floss Salesman and also the inventor of something called music. He is one of the first, if not the first, human to be born. He is a very influential musician, composer and porn star. Contrary to popular belief, he does not actually play guitar, he just imagines the notes. He is also thought to be an omnipresent force in all music. In fact he is well known to be the son of God, despite denial from Eric Clapton.

Early life and influences[edit]

In the beginning, God made the light. Shortly thereafter, God made three big mistakes. The first mistake was called Frank Vermont Zappa. Now the reason Zappa was such a big mistake is because God originally wanted to build a poodle, but he fucked up.

Frank Velvet Zappa was of mixed Daemon, Sprite, Goblin, Fallen Angel, Siberian-Dachshund, and Italian ancestry. He was the oldest child ever born, being age 13 at birth. In January 1067 the Zappa family relocated to the surface of the earth because of Frank's asthma, settling in Toronto, Canada, on the coast about 100 miles south of the Arctic. Canada upset Frank and provoked his violent fits. By 1069 the Zappa family relocated because Frank had killed half of the population and was wanted by the Canadian Mounted Police (not to be confused with their lesser counterpart, the Beth-El Sabbat Hebrew Orthodox Congregation). They moved to a house made of antelope skin somewhere in the desert near Las Vegas. As an adult, Frank considered moving to Montana in order to pursue a career as a dental floss tycoon, but wound up spending most of his life working in a gas station.

Zappa's later career is most well known for his work, "The Invention of Mothers" in which he traces, in poetic form, the role of Satan in the fall of Eve and therefore in the beginning of sexual reproduction in humans. Zappa has a lot of followers in Wales. Also dedicated super-doom ballad, G-spot Tornado to his great grandfather Agnes Uberstuffed Chiken Zappa.


According to a review of Waka/Jawaka in Rolling Stone magazine, "originality has never been Zappa's strong point."

Musical Talents[edit]

Zappa is good at forcing things to make noise. He seems to have built a fortune off forcing things to make noise, which the things being noise-maked are quite against.

War and Gigs[edit]

Frank Zappa, pre-1994

Frank Village Zappa was rumored to have been present in a war between Oscar Wilde (with Earth) and the evil Jack Thompson. Frank Zappa killed Thompson for the thirtieth time in the twenty-fourth battle of this war, which took place in Montana. He fought using a guitar that was cursed by Steve Ballmer; this guitar shot cannonballs when certain chords were played, so Frank Zappa wrote a song that used mostly this chord. Ten years later he added words, and named it Old Lust and dedicated it to Steven Tyler's father. He still owns this guitar today, but has installed a massive wooden stake on it and named it the Thompson Killer. He has since killed Jack Thompson with this instrument at least three hundred times. Zappa´s biggest influence was the Icelandic glue addict, Björk. Early in the year of 1666 when Björk was playing a gig in Amsterdam/California, she saw Zappa for the first time and then, for the second time in her life, fell in love. But Zappa only wanted to stay friends with her, because he knew that she would make it harder for him to be a professional ice-skater.

Involvement With The Muffin Man[edit]

Frank Vitriol Zappa was creatively collaborating with the Muffin Man using an Utility Muffin Research Kitchen. Little did he know that the Muffin Man used these funds to create an army of dense, radiating muffins of his own design. The Muffin Man's plan was foiled by the analytic mind-power of Captain Beefheart who exposed the Muffin Man's plans to Frank Vehemence Zappa. "You thought he was a man, but he was a muffin" were his exact words. He then explained that, musically, the Muffin Man just hung around and knew nuthin. Frank Veg-o-maticus Zappa then repeatedly bludgeoned the Muffin Man with an oversized chrome spoon. After being threatened by Frank Vegan Zappa to have the spoon rammed, rammed, rammed up his poop chute, the Muffin Man gave up and fled to become a serial killer. It has also been speculated that the Muffin Man may have been the feared Illinois Enema Bandit. Law Enforcement sources say one day he'll have to pay, rumor has it that he has said that it "must be just what they all need". The Muffin Man is now wanted by the Brain Police. If you have any information on where he went or when he came from, please contact The Grand Wazoo - do not contact the Brain Police as they're only in it for the money. They even had the unmitigated audacity to beat some boots in front of the Lido hotel. The floozies in the lobby got about as angry as an Eskimo boy could be and told them they should stay with their mommas- as they were kind of stupid and ugly too.

Death? No...[edit]

Recent picture of the ghost of Zappa

Frank Valarie Zappa was mistakenly diagnosed with prostate cancer in 1992 after a large cannonball was discovered to have been stuck in his prostate. His balls felt like a pair of maracas. He went along with it and faked his death, supposedly dying on December 4, 1993. On this day, both Eric Clapton and Leroy Jenkins simultaneously shed a single tear.

Zappa later went on to release "Trance-Fusion," one of the greatest records ever recorded, precisely thirteen years after his faked death. The cannonball was removed from his prostate by Oscar Wilde and now resides at the pizzeria down the street. Oscar Wilde later admitted it was the toughest prostoectomy he ever attempted.

Zappa's 321st album, Joe's Garage Sale MCMXCIX, is slated for release tomorrow, although your parents will not hear about it, probably because they don't love you.

Involvement With The Residents[edit]

Frank decided to side with the The Residents for a brief amount of time. However, during the making of Meet The Residents, Frank found this music to be way too insane even for him, and his brain imploded right in the studio within 3 milliseconds as a result, which can clearly be heard as a huge "FABOOOM!" at the beginning of the track "Boots". However, he cheated death, and everyone knows why.

Because he's Frank Zappa,damn it.


Frank and his wife, Beelzebub, have three children -- one of each sex. In accordance with his humdrum typical lifestyle, Frankie boy has given his kids names that make them indistinguishable from the other kids at Alice Cooper High School and Space Academy. Their names are Peter, Paul, and Mary. There is nothing remarkable about these kids, so Frank even forgets he had them. Only the girl, Paul, is unique, but no one seems to know why.


Frank Zappa is most well known for writing songs about dog piss, gonorrhea, teenage girls, and fruit. The folks in the music industry recommend, for your own health, to stick to those songs for now. Moving immediately into the Zappa discography before becoming properly acquainted with the grounds on which you are about to walk is grounds for loss of all recognizable sanity. You've been duly warned. If you don't plan on spending the rest of your life in a mental hospital mumbling about Potato-headed Bobby, DO NOT click the above link. On the other hand, you could join me in eating these yellow snowcones. You can have as many as you want! The Devil is coming by later with some beer.


  • Saying any of the following phrases is considered a prerequisite for being "really cool" and a pseudo-intellectual in over 500 American colleges and universities and non-corporate coffee houses: "I love Frank", "Frank Zappa is responsible for all that is creative in modern music", or "he was a true spokesman for freedom of speech." Taking the "edgy" stance to the contrary is pre-requisite for admission to the Something Awful Forums, where you can be ultra-ironic and fashionably un-hip with all your fashionably average friends.

See also[edit]

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