Fred Flintstone

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Fred Flintstone was the very first pedophile, here is his mugshot.

“I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I can definitely make your bed rock!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Fred Flintstone

“That ejaculation probe is frighteningly large!”

~ Fred Flintstone on frighteningly large ejaculation probes

“If there's one thing the Flintstone films have taught us is that repeatedly replacing words with either 'rock' or 'stone' is constantly funny, inventive, fresh and NEVER gets old!”

~ Cinema Audiences
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Fred Flintstone.

Dr. Frederick Smythe Von McDonald Flintstone III, not to be confused with the country Uzbekistan, or Strawberry Jam, is the star of the popular TV show "The Flintstones". Born in 1967 in Sidcup, Fred grew up as an aspiring comedian. However, because his acts mainly consisted of cheesy puns and bad slapstick, he was booed out of all the clubs he performed in. Determined to make a name for himself, he came to the conclusion that his jokes would best sell in pre-historic times, when no one would've heard of his cliches. Young Fred then made a makeshift time machine, made up of tinfoil, elbow grease, and some good ol' inginuity. He used this time machine to travel to the Cretacious Era, where his shows were instant sellouts. In awe of his success, CBS gave Fred a primetime spot for a series of live performances, later referred to by historians as "The Flintstones".

Personal Life[edit]

Fred Flintstone was abandoned at birth in the slums of Sidcup. He was quickly taken in by a local orphanage, where he spent most of his childhood. Fred soon befriended fellow orphan Barney Rubble, a son of an alcoholic father and a rather promiscuous mother. One day, while Fred and Barney were dining on a juicy sirloin beef jerky, they saw the cleaning-lady accidentally fall out the window while she was cleaning. During her long fall, she screamed "Yabba-dabba-doooooo!" The phrase stuck instantly with Fred, and he constantly annoyed the other orphans with his signature catch phrase.

During his early 20's, Fred journeyed to Las Vegas on the grounds of a double-dog dare and your mom. There, he met Wilma Jacquelyn . The two hit it off instantly, and soon were married in a 24 hour drive-thru church. The new couple flew back to Sidcup to celebrate their honeymoon. Wilma became pregnant, and gave birth to a baby girl. Fred and Wilma decided to name her Lucretia Flintstone, after Wilma's cousin's friend's aunt's second cousin's stepsister. On her mother's side.

Fred Flintstone was recently issued a restraining order for arriving at his home drunk at 2 a. m. and reportedly screaming at his wife. Witnesses say that he yelled "Wilma!" constantly to a point of verbal abuse. He has to stay a minimum of 100 feet from his wife and pet dinosaur.

His pet dinosaur was last seen driving a Punto (number plate 6200) on the outer ring road bangalore.

Height of His Career[edit]

Only a year after Fred Flintstone and the gang traveled back in time, The Flintstones had the most ratings of any show. CBS had experienced a drastic rise in viewers, following their excellent coverage of the assassination of Czar Raphael "Boulder" DeBrix. Fred became the richest man of his day, with a net worth of an estimated 67,000,000,000 pesos. The Flintstones' theme song received immense airplay on FM radio, and many listeners requested it for BCE to come.


Fred and Barney doing chronic before a show

Not unknown to the public, Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble also shared an alcohol and marijuana addiction. They would often drink and smoke heavily before performances. Wilma states that during one show, while Fred was running in his car, he even passed out. Fred also had Assburger's Syndrome (not to be confused with Asperger's Syndrome), and his addiction further aggravated the problem. Fred and Barney would check in and out of rehab a total of 27 times (and counting).

The Flintstones was also losing viewers to the new experimental comedy, Scooby Doo. CBS tried many new gimmicks to bolster ratings, such as celebrity guest stars, a more modern theme, and nudity. However, their battle with Scooby Doo proved unfruitful, and The Flintstones was canceled.


  • Fred Flintstone can touch this. Twice.
  • Fred Flintstone has guest starred on Jay Leno. Fred has stated that this was the paramount mistake of his career. Twice.
  • He was the illegitimate son of Harry Hamlin. Twice...oh wait.
  • Fred Flintstone did believe it wasn't butter. But only Twice
  • Often while performing on set Fred Flintstone's monstrous testicles were disguised as boulders by the props department.
  • On January 12, 6780 BC he married his gay pet dinosaur who kissed him and got cheated on for Satan. Just once, actually.
  • He has sex with children.
  • He got Donnie to shut the fuck up.
  • He has gotten to breathed under water... tree times

See also[edit]