Freedom University of Chicago

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The Freedom University of Chicago is a University in Freedomland, aka America.

It is actually a subsection of the University of Chicago that has been eliminated of all anti-freedom activity, freedom-hating inhabitants, anti-freedom propaganda, and all other freedom threatening unthought.

Freedom Physics[edit]

In FUC Physics, they have thrown out the theories of freedom-hating socialists and liberals, like Einstein. They study the Gibbs Free Energy, the Conservatism of Energy, Conservatism of Momentum, and the Speed of Freedom (a constant, when measured in the vacuum of the liberal news media).

With the latter they have developed Freedom Relativity, which shows that when you are listening to liberals, time slows down, and your brain implodes.

Freedom Engineering[edit]

In Freedom Engineering they study applications of physics to everyday free life. For example, they try to study the efficiency of the Ideal Freedom Engine, and determine how to measure actual Freedom Engines in comparison to the maximum theoretical freedom available.

Freedomomics[edit]

In Freedomomics, it has been considered that the 'economy' sounds too much like economics, which would required studying the theories of freedom haters like Karl Marx and Adam Smith. God forbid, they might even have to read books written by Frenchmen, like Alexis de Toqueville or Rousseau.

Instead, they study the theories of Ronald Reagan, which state that, as your level of freedom increases, your income increases, therefore you don't have to worry about how much money you are spending. Since freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose (Joplin Hypothesis), having less income makes you more free. By logic, this leads to greater ability to spend.

So for example, the government gets all its income from taxes. By reducing income (ie, cutting taxes), the government has more freedom, therefore income will increase, therefore it can spend more money.

This theory was applied succesfully by George Bush II, and after 8 years of economic stagnation under Unpresident Clinton, and 7 years of recovery and struggle, the America went under the Economic Miracle of 2008, in which many people were able to buy very cheap houses at special sales, gasoline became the same price as food, and everyone became happy.

Millions of Americans also applied this philosophy to their everyday spending, via Freedom Cards, which once and for all severed the tyrannical link between earning money and spending money.

The problem of cash reserves is also studied, where by foolish men and corporations save too much money, instead of spending it to 'grow the economy', just as you need to spend dirt to 'grow the flowers', instead of hoarding it in your basement. Punishments are studied for freedom haters who secret away tens of dollars, 'saving' for anti-freedom things like liberally biased education, when the money could instead be used to fight the war against terra.

Department of Freedom Math[edit]

In Freedom Math, the principles of Freedomomics are investigated and expanded upon. The ratio of circumference to radius has been driven out in favor of the ratio of past expenses to future income. By the Lamb Calculus, this will always increase as time goes forward. In other words, the older you get, the more money you will make in the future, so the more you should spend in the present, so as to prevent the horrible economic problem of cash reserves (see the Freedomomics department for more on that)

Lamb Calculus[edit]

Since the Lord is our Shepherd, we Shall not Want. Therefore, we can rewrite '$5.00' in our bank account as '5% down no APR no payments for two years'. Therefore, we can get a new leather sofa and wide screen television without having to get a job.


Department of Military Science[edit]

Past projects include studying how to write instructions for cruise missiles in 8th grade english, how to translate documents into spanish without having to learn spanish, and how to decouple killing from any actual physical human contact.

The robotic unmanned vehicle program has been very successfull, meaning that America can freely attack any country on the planet, without worrying about crying mothers back home bawling on TV about their dead children.

Students practicing the liberation of a city. Cabrini Green, South Chicago

Current research involves the Star Wars Defense Initiative, which will provide human soldiers, on the rare occasion that they are needed, with safe and comfortable transport at minimal risk of boredom.

Department of Freedom History[edit]

History, having classically been the study of everything bad that America has ever done, at least from the perspective of whiners, complainers, and losers... has been reformed in the FUC to be more fair and balanced. History books from the 19th century have been found to be much more favorable. Fictional accounts like David McCulloughs liberally biased John Adams, or William Cronon's Changes in the Land, and Daniel Usner's Indians, Settlers, and Slaves in a Frontier Exchange Economy, have been replaced by accurate factual accounts like The Protocol of the Elders of Zion, Thomas Dixon/DW Griffith's Birth of a Nation, Karl May's Winnetou I, and Frederick Jackson Turner's The Frontier In American History.


Computer Freedom Studies[edit]

In this department, we study ways in which Freedom can be brought to communist operating systems like Linux, Emacs, and Firefox. With a 50 billion dollar grant from the Gates Foundation, we are well on our way to solving the primary problem in the lack of development in computer sciene, namely, the widespread infection of the Gnu Property License, which seeks to transfer all ownership of intellectual property to the state, instead of to capitalist corporations where it belongs.

We also have a theoretical branch. We have codisciplinary studies of the Lamb Calculus with our math department. We also study Goedel's Incompleteness Theorem, which states that as long as there are liberals infesting the earth, the work of freedom can never be completed.

Eatery of Freedom[edit]

The words cafeteria (cafe), diner, and buffet all being of French origin, are clearly anti-freedom, not to mention confusing. Thus, the FUC has the Eatery of Freedom. We of course, still serve Freedom Potatoe (fries being too close to the french Frites). We also serve large slabs of rare American beef (except when markets determine that cheaper beef is available overseas, of course). We also have a wide array of drinks, including Freedomade, diet Freedomade, caffeine free Freedomade, Freedomade Zero, Energy Freedomade with Guarana and Ginseng, Freedomade Water, and Freedomade Tiger, endorsed by Tiger Woods, the Golfer of Freedom.

Provost[edit]

The provost is, has been, and always shall be, Steven Colbert. Should Mr Colbert die, a fleshy simulacrum of him will be created using a digital copy of his brain, which will enable us to continue with the maximum freedom quotient available in our campus leadership.

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