Fremantle Dockers

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The Failmantle Shockers, colloquially known as the Fremantle Dockers, are an Australian Football League club based in the Fremantle area of Perth, Western Australia.

A large piece of plastic played 12 games for Fremantle during the 2003 season and now operates the club's fitness program.


The club was formed in 1994 as part of a Federal Government plot instigated by then Prime Minister Paul Keating, aimed at destroying the state of Western Australia. Keating developed the plan in the back room of a small pornography store in Tierra Del Fuego during late 1993, in consultation with the ghost of Catherine of Aragon, ASIO, the CIA and a small rabbit puppet referred to by Keating as 'Mr Clive'.

The Government hoped the destruction of Western Australia would give the Commonwealth royalty-free access to the state's significant natural mining resources, including iron ore, tarmac, blue cheese and those small balls used on the tips of ball-point pens.

The Government's intention was for the Fremantle Dockers' on and off field performances to trigger cerebral haemorrhages amongst the population of Western Australia, leading to widespread casualties and the collapse of the WA Government. The Federal Government would then exercise its rights under the Australian Constitution and move all surviving residents to Adelaide. This aspect of the plan was identified as a breach of the UN Conventions on Human Rights during Keating's war crimes hearing in 2003.

The club's mission statement, song and employment contracts are directly translated from Mein Kampf by Adolf Hitler. The melody used for the club's song was recorded in 1987 by British pop queen Elton John, shortly after the end of her marriage to an unknown man who underwent extensive surgery in an attempt to resemble Paddington Bear.


Fremantle's first captain, Ben Allan with coach Gerard Neesham

With the Government's planning completed, the Fremantle Dockers made their debut in Round 1 of the 1995 AFL season. Ben Allan was the club's first captain, being Keating's second choice behind Pippi Longstocking. In fact, when told Longstocking was unwilling to join the club as captain, Keating was so angered that he inserted Mr Clive into the messengers colon.

The Fremantle Dockers have achieved great success since 1995, only twice failing to miss the AFL Finals Series (2002 and 2006). Both instances came during the coaching tenure of Chris Connolly, who was fired by the club in 2007.

With the exception of the disastrous 2002 and 2006 campaigns, the Dockers have managed to avoid the AFL finals in every other season since 1995. They have won no Premierships and no player has won the league's Brownlow Medal.

Failure Tactics[edit]

The enduring success of failure at Fremantle has been caused by a combination of strategies and factors. Coaches have been removed frequently, preventing unity, consistency and culture developing. Inaugural coach Gerard Neesham was replaced by Damian Drum for the 1999 season. After 18 months in the job, Drum was sacked by the club. In a masterstroke of PR and tact, the club opted against informing Drum of their decision, leaving the task to a singing telegram wearing an Enlarged Prostate costume.

Despite being sacked, Drum is regarded as being Fremantle's best coach, even managing to oversee the majority of their record 18 game losing streak and their biggest losing margin of 117 points.

Singing Telegram in Enlarged Prostate costume

Temporary coach Ben Allan actually opted not to remain in the job, opting instead for a lead role in the hit Broadway musical 'Pippi Longstocking: Ginger Binge'.

After the 2006 failure, the club has changed tact in favour of a coach with some demonstrated football knowledge in former Essendon assistant coach Mark Harvey in an attempt to maintain the losing ethos developed in the 1990s. Regarded as a master tactician, Harvey has worked hard to remove game plans, skills and talent from the club. They the set out to recruit players with a history of losing such as Kelper Bradly

End of the Keating Era[edit]

Paul Keating was defeated in the 1996 Australian election by the John Howard led Liberal Party. In the days leading up to the election loss, Keating removed all trace of the Fremantle Dockers plan from Parliament House and set up a secret bunker from which he continued to control efforts to destroy Western Australia until his arrest in 2003. His position has been taken up by Mr Clive, who is believed to be supernaturally controlled by the ghost of Jacques Cousteau, who was admitted into the organisation after marrying the ghost of Catherine of Aragon in 1997.

Notable Efforts[edit]

As already mentioned, the coaching based decisions have been a highlight of Fremantle History. It is also worth noting some significant developments in terms of player recruitment, management and selection.

The club's pre season training camps offer a diverse range of activities for players. In 2004, the squad spend 8 weeks aboard three small boats moored to a pier in Rye, East Sussex before ritually sacrificing a new recruit. During the 1997 pre season, each squad member worked for the local charity WristWatch - a program aimed at reducing teen masturbation.

A particularly cunning path taken by the club has seen them trade away good players in exchange for weaker ones, only to re-recruit the same players at a later stage, when their skills have reduced to an acceptable level.

Further efforts involve selecting players far beyond their prime. A notable example is Shaun McManus, who was actually past his best before arriving at the club.

Genetic Modifications[edit]

The Fremantle Dockers have pioneers a rapid DNA mutation system which is used to produce players. The AFL have limited teams to three genetically modified players per season. Fremantle's most successful work in this region used the DNA belonging to the aforementioned Shaun McManus and former 'hero' Clive Waterhouse (named after Mr Clive). Waterhouse had been subject to an earlier DNA mutation process, which spliced his own DNA with that of a large skip bin, similar to the one which Brad Pitt goes in to get the bags of fat out of in Fight Club.

The product of the McManus/Waterhouse splicing is Scott Thornton, who medical experts at the University of Western Australia regard as the most albino human being in history. Thornton is only selected for night matches, due to his complexion and even then is required to wear sunscreen and a special suit. Thornton's hair, like that of polar bears, is clear. He is believed to have eyesight, depth perception and foot skills which are not detectable to humans.

Clive Waterhouse[edit]

Clive Waterhouse - undisputed king of the Fremantle Football Club.

Clive Waterhouse (maiden name Gabriel Marie Smith, born 2 September 1954) is a Scottish-born, Australian resident horse trainer, businesswoman and a former actress. Clive played 106 games and kicked 178 goals for the Dockers between 1996 and 2004. He is notorious for his short temper, 120m Torpedo punts and is in possession of the only football shower in existence. His arch enemy is Chris Waterman, a faggot who played for the West Coke Eagles. In late 2001 Waterman branded him a "bogan" whose love of footy was "questionable". Waterman hasn't been heard from since. Clive is Fremantle's version of the pope.

Waterhouse came in at number one on the 2005 Time magazine poll Fremantle players you could introduce to you Mother. He was also voted by Rolling Stone as the 432nd best album of all time. Waterhouse is better than Jason Laycock and Travis Cloke put together. Since retiring he has become a cowboy.

See Also[edit]