Quebeckers

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
(Redirected from French-Canadian)
Jump to: navigation, search


Quebecker
A Quebecker eating a pack of doritoes. She is attempting to ward off the photographer with some object of unidentified nature (potentially one carried in her adaptative carrying orifice)
Scientific classification
Kingdom Animalia
Phylum Arthropoda
Class Insecta
Order Squamata
Family Adams
Genus Homo
Species H. tabernacus
Binomial name
Homo tabernacus
Specifications
Primary armament Mandibled tongue
Secondary armament Teeth; Claws; Claws; N/A
Power supply N/A
Health 450; 1050; 825; 15650
Mana 450; 450; N/A; 2000
Strength 11; 18; 13; 21 (D&D)
Intelligence 3; 2; 1; 25 (D&D)
Weight 10-12; 70-90; 40-60; ~45,000,000 (kg)
Length 2.5-3; 4-8; 4-6; ~135,000 (feet)
Special attack N/A; N/A; N/A; Telekinesis
Conservation status
SDM (Should Die More)

Québecers (For simplicities sake Quebeckers, correctly known as Quebequois(e), but also known as Queefbeckers) homo tabernacus) are an insectoid species whose origins date back to the early Cretaceous Period. They are closely related to cockroaches and termites.

Life Cycle[edit]

The Quebecker life cycle is unique among all creatures in the animal kingdom. It comprises of three distinct stages, and may under the advent of the death of the Hive Mother, have a fourth.

Conception[edit]

All Quebeckers originate from a single being known as 'The Hive Mother' or, in their native language, 'La Grosse Shieuse'. This creature (more details of which will be discussed later on) does not need a mate to reproduce as it produces and lays already fertilized eggs -similar in fashion to a certain species of gecko that inhabits the Isles of Indonesia- which under favourable conditions hatch into the very first stage of the Quebecker life cycle: the larval stage.

They say something about society because they're Canadians and they speak French. At least they make good beer.

Larval Stage[edit]

Diagram of a Quebecker larva.

At this stage, the Quebecker resembles a large maggot, about three feet in length and one foot in diameter. It ranges in colour from an off white to a sickly olive green and has a few short, thick hairs bordering the mouth, which contains a multitude of sharp teeth and a long tongue (fifty centimetres) armed with claw like mandibles that are capable of capturing prey. At this stage, the creature is effectively a stomach and a mouth, the only bone like structures present being the teeth of the mouth and tongue. Its digestive system is 100% efficient: it does not leave any excrements after a meal and therefore lacks an anus, which for anyone who knows a Quebecker is exceedingly ironic. These creatures lack lungs, and so breath through their skin in a similar fashion to frogs, and also lack hearts. What little blood they have is pumped by means of movement, which involves the contracting and detracting of their entire body. Thanks to a combination of valves in the blood vessels and changes in pressure caused by their movement, blood is capable of circulating through the system. This means that Quebeckers larvae are completely devoid of any sleep. They will therefore spend all their time moving, eating and digesting. Their diet consists of rabbits, raccoons, foxes, lynxes, squirrels, ducks and other birds and on rare occasions larger mammals such as moose and bears. It is interesting to note that during this stage, the brain is at its most developed state.

After a year, during which the Quebecker will attempt to consume food, it will migrate (along with all other larvae of that year) to the border between Quebec and Labrador, where they will cocoon themselves in a layer of regurgitated food matter, which then freezes. Encased in this shell, they enter a state of hibernation (sometimes referred to as the first pupal stage) until the beginning of the next winter, where they are reborn as the second stage of the cycle.

Sub Imago Stage[edit]

This stage, as may be inferred from the name, is a stage where the Quebecker is not yet fully developed into its adult form (imago) but is more developed than the larval stage. After their hibernation inside a shell of their own vomit, the Quebecker emerges resembling a half-man, half-caterpillar, half-dragonfly larva of sorts; a kind of minotaur-snake-centaur, with the lower body like a long tail used for locomotion and 8 short, stubby, non-articulatable legs while bearing the torso and arms of a human being, the head similar to that of a wasp but with the vertically opposed jaws of a reptilian and the hands being replaced by large claws. They still retain the mandibled tongue of the previous stage, but it is somewhat shortened because it is no longer required to capture prey: at this stage the Quebecker is adequately capable of chasing down their prey, and no longer has to rely on slowly sneaking up behind one and trapping it at a distance with the tongue. The tongue now serves the purpose of killing the prey once it has been caught (in a very Alien-like fashion). Depending on how much food they consumed in the larval stage, they may range in size from a small dog to about eight feet from head to the tip of the tail.

Diagram of a Sub Imago, (full body profile, face, study of tongue extension).

Their physiology changes drastically between the first and second stage. They are now no longer 100% efficient at digesting, and therefore possess an anus, but this anus is internal and excretes residue within the creature’s empty head. To release it from their skulls once too much faeces has been built up, the Quebecker simply has to speak, and hence why their speech is known to be so foul. They now possess a fully functional heart and gills for breathing both in the normal atmosphere and under water. They now have an extremely well developed bone structure as well as nervous and muscular system. They are externally covered in a chitinous shell (as well as fleshy skin) that is in fact part of the bone structure, making Quebeckers the only known creatures to have both an endo and exo skeleton. They also have exceedingly developed sensory systems, epitomed by two visible traits of their anatomy: their large compound eyes, capable of seeing beyond the visible spectrum in both the ultra violet and infra red, and the large horn-like protrusion extending from the back of the head. This horn serves many purposes, the first and most important is that it acts as an antenna that creates a mental connection between themselves and the Hive Mother. It can also detect electrostatic fields in its surroundings, something often seen in fish and other sea creatures. Their diet now consists of moose, bears, deer, cows, mountain lions, caribou, sabre toothed beavers and Newfoundlanders living near the border of Labrador and Quebec for the larger specimens while the smaller ones retain a diet similar to the larval one, eating small rodents and birds. They will live in the wilderness as such for a few years until one winter reaches temperatures below -50 degrees, at which point they will hibernate in themselves, using their exoskeletons as a cocoon. This final transformation heralds the birth of the Quebeckers we know and see all the time, if 'we' refers to those unlucky people living in Eastern Canada or in Florida and other colonies.

Imago Stage[edit]

This is the final metamorphosis of the Quebecker being. They will, after at least one year within their shells and once again temperatures below minus fifty degrees 'hatch' from their now redundant exoskeleton into a fully grown Quebecker. These creatures externally resemble in all ways a human of French descent, at various stages of the human life cycle (depending on how much they ate in the larval stage) and bears a physiology that is very similar, but not exactly the same as that of a human. Firstly, they now possess two tongues. The first is the visible tongue, which is in every way imaginable a human tongue. The second is the remnant of the mandibled tongue from the two previous stages, and is in fact the only feature of Quebeckers that they retain throughout their metamorphoses and in this imago stage is hidden within the throat. The increased pressure caused by the presence of this tongue on the vocal chords, as well as the fact that it shares the same root nerves as the other tongue (implying the movement of one dictates the other) is the cause of the infamously incomprehensible Quebecker accent. They retain the internal anus that defecates in the head, but now also possess a urinary tract allowing for the release of the greater amounts of waste created by their less efficient digestive systems. A faux trou (false hole) is present where a human anus would be, and is only present as an adaptive element brought on by the need to camouflage themselves amongst the mostly human populace of the world and in order to transport things, like markers and such. They also bear reproductive organs, but these are not functional and only used for camouflage. Females of the species (it is important to note that Quebeckers lack gender: this is discussed later on) are able to also use theirs as a means of transporting things, like food (cucumbers) or electronic appliances (mobile phones, vibrators, etc.) and other various items. They also retain the large claws of the previous stage, these being carefully hidden inside the creature's hands, avoiding any and all detection unless detracted.

Some research suggests the mandibled tongue is in fact an other creature entirely, sharing a symbiotic relationship with their host.

Their diet now consists of more or less anything, having changed from being exclusively carnivorous into an omnivorous creature. Their favoured food item though is poutine, a rather disgusting combination of French fries, gravy, and some form of non-biodegradable cheese that squeaks upon biting it. I'm seriously, it squeaks. It is quite frightening, and hard to believe, but the cheese squeaks.

By svaing money on food, they then spend it on Cadillacs. However, not all Quebecers with Cadillacs are pimps.

Anyhow.

Their connection with the Hive Mother changes to a more general connection with the 'Hive Mind': the psychic extension of the Hive Mother's mind into her surroundings. This connection is different to the connection the Quebecker had with the Hive Mother in the previous stage in that in the sub imago stage, the link is direct to the Hive Mother, and only to the Hive Mother, not allowing for links between individual Quebeckers. The link to the Hive Mind on the other hand is the shared consciousness with which Quebeckers of the imago stage, possessing no brain capable of advanced thought, are able to think in a remotely intelligent way and therefore allows for rudimentary contact with human beings.

Matriarchal Stage[edit]

This stage of the Quebecker life cycle may only take place under the condition that the Hive Mother dies for some reason. Considering though that Quebeckers have lifespans exceeding the tens of millions of years and are theoretically infinite (therefore classifying them as semi-immortal), such a change rarely happens. It must be noted that calling this stage the 'Matriarchal Stage' is somewhat inaccurate, since Quebeckers lack gender and any one of them, whether male or female in appearance, may become this 'Hive Mother'. The reason for referring to this stage as such, and to the being in question as the Hive Mother is because the current matriarch was at first a 'female' Quebecker. It is therefore possible for a 'male' Quebecker to become a 'Hive Father' or a patriarch, but this being would still lay eggs in a similar fashion as a matriarch. This being takes about a century to fully grow after having installed itself in a very cold location, generally and historically speaking found in the north of the modern day Canadian province of Quebec. There it will reside and grow, consuming the very life energy around her. Once the transformation is complete, it will resemble a very much overweight person over 20,000 meters in diameter, whose skin is covered in a thick layer of slime from whence its eggs, released from pores in her skin, will grow until they become too big and fall out of the slime, landing on the ground where they will one day hatch into a Quebecker larva. This creature is known to be the largest naturally occurring creature on earth, but pales in comparison to the few instances of human beings reaching astronomical mass. It lacks the ability to move, but its tongue becomes excessively long, and is capable of ensnaring objects many kilometres away (its exact length is unknown as anyone who is in a position to be measuring it is most probably getting eaten).

Quebecker Society[edit]

Quebecker society, being a hive society, is complex by nature. But due to the rather unique nature of Quebeckers as creatures, their society is bound to be similarly unique, and thus lacks what most individuals would refer to as 'sense'.

Social Structure[edit]

The Quebecker social structure is based on a simple, but unexpected hierarchy. Understandably, at the top of the social structure lies the Hive Mother. She basically controls everything, and her authority is unquestioned and unchallenged.

Next in the social order is, oddly enough, the Larval Stage. As stated earlier, it is during this stage that the Quebecker's brain is most developed and allows for the greatest independence from the Hive Mother. This higher intelligence naturally gives them more authority over the other stages of the life cycle (excluding the Hive Mother), especially considering that Quebeckers rarely, if ever, kill or attack one another. This is to show that unlike other animal species where dominance is established by physical strength, the Quebeckers establish dominance by intellectual aptitude, something which most of them lack in all entirety. The other reason for the larva to be second in the hierarchy is the fact that it is 'closer to the Hive Mother'. By this, it is meant that since the larva is born directly from the Hive Mother, rather than being a transmutation of an earlier form, the larva is 'purer' than the other stages of the cycle, and as such it is higher up on the social ladder.

Next are the sub imagoes, which are respected as good hunters and also serve as guards of the larvae once they migrate to the Labrador border, ensuring that the Newfies -or any other threat- does not attempt to kill -or otherwise harm- the larvae while in their vomit cocoons. Other than this, sub imagoes prove to be rather useless, and potentially a liability, for they are sometimes prone to attacking important political figures [Pope Alexander II, Emperor Shenzong, Saint Augustine of Hippo, Abraham Lincoln] whose assault or death bring about much discontent from the human populations of the world.

Finally there is the very bottom of the social chain, the imago stage. These are necessary due to the fact that they have as a role to maintain Human-Quebecker relations, ensuring that humanity is left oblivious to the existence of their superior kin; most important of which is the Hive Mother. As important as their role may be, they lack the intelligence to be of any other intellectual use and so are used as slave labour to keep the Hive Mother alive and well, which basically translates to getting her poutine.

Inter-Quebecker Relations[edit]

Being hive creatures, Quebeckers have very little variety in their relations between the various levels of the hierarchy other than the ones stated in the previous section. But unlike most hive creatures, the relations are very varied within each caste of the social ladder. The low level of intelligence does not allow for very developed interactions, but this hardly inhibits all interactions.

Inter-Larval Relations[edit]

Inter-larval relations are quite rare; these creatures normally just crawl past one another without any visible or audible form of interaction. It is possible that they interact on a psychic level, potentially through the Hive Mind, but this is unsure. Though voracious eaters, they are not very competitive: if indeed at all. The few times that larva have been spotted in any form of detectable interaction has been during feeding or when faced with danger. It has been reported that larva will, on occasion, help one another take down a particularly large prey, and one report states that a larva that was in a state of near starvation was given food by another larva. When larvae have been in danger, it is not uncommon for other larvae to, if close enough, to attempt to help the other. It is unknown though whether they do these on their own, through a sense of kinship, or if the Hive Mother directs them to do so. If it is the latter, then it would explain the lack of competitivity of such proficient hunters, especially considering how scarce food is in the far northern reaches of Quebec.

Inter-Sub Imagal Relations[edit]

Sub imagoes do not interact much with one another; but more so than larvae visibly do. They seldom meet in the vast tracks of land that make up Quebec, but when they do, they often have a chat in their native tongue. These conversations range in topic from Quebec separatism to Quebec sovereignty, and not much more, other than poutine.

Unlike larvae, they exhibit competitive behaviour in their quest for food, but not to the extent of harming or killing one another. Since they do not mate, there is no need to compete for mates, and since Quebec is such a large place, they rarely fight for territory, unless of course this territory is associated with a source of food. Even this low level of competitive activity is quite unnatural for creatures that live in a hive structure, especially considering they share a Hive Mind. It is believed though that perhaps the Hive Mother herself allows, or encourages, this kind of behaviour in order to ensure only the stronger ones survive. It may also allow for the development of personalities, something which they will need in the final stage of their existence.

Inter-Imagal Relations[edit]

By far, inter-imagal relations are the most complex. Due to their adoption of our social structure in an attempt to hide within humanities populace, they adopted similar inter-individual relations. Unfortunately for them though, they are only capable of mimicking our behaviour: they do not themselves understand the reasons for said behaviour. Worse still, they are not exactly 'up to date', and fail to notice which behaviours are the norm, and which behaviours are appropriate for certain situations. This can lead to very awkward moments while in their company, but they do not seem to realize this.

As such, all inter-imagal relations are in reality completely artificial. The most fascinating aspect of these artificial relationships is the Quebeckers' ability to imitate a most human emotion: love. All things considered, their 'love' is rather shallow because the chemical processes associated with it do not occur in their system, but it is quite well developed. They are capable of simulating relationships ranging from friendship to marriage.

Gender[edit]

Throughout this article, reference is made to 'male' and 'female' Quebeckers, which is fundamentally inaccurate. Quebeckers in reality do not have genders: they are neutral. This lack of gender is quite apparent during the first and second stages of the Quebecker life cycle, but upon the third stage, confusion often ensues. In the imago stage, Quebeckers take on human external appearances and near-human internal workings. This was an evolutionary adaptation in order to camouflage themselves within a human population, a need which the Hive Mother foresaw long before the first humans took their first steps on the Americas. This disguise, to be remotely believable, required that Quebeckers had to resemble both males and females of the human species, both physically and psychologically. This distinction is achieved in a manner similar to crocodiles and other reptilians: depending on the temperature under which the sub imago was subjected to while incubating, a different 'gender' finds itself dominating the process of development. Temperatures ranging from -50 to -53 brings about females, while temperatures from -55 and below gives birth to males. Between -53 and -55 though, you either have a feminine male or a very masculine female.

This revelation does bring about a troubling question: what were the imagoes before the Hive Mother sensed the presence of another species of intellectual beings that had the potential of spreading over the entire globe? Upon asking the Hive Mother, who has been the Hive Mother for over 65 million years, she had this to say:

Our proud species has been here for countless millennia before you hairy bipedal flesh sacks showed an ounce of intelligence. Before you had mastered the use of the simplest tools and still feared fire, we were threatened by absolutely nothing. There was -and there still is- no being that could exhibit strength or speed nearly comparable to what was then what you tiny brained creatures refer to as 'sub imagoes'. There was -and there still is- no living entity of intelligence remotely as great as mine. If I so made it my will, I could have every living human wiped from the face of this petty planet in a matter of days: I kick ass...

She then fell asleep.

In that statement, she failed to answer the question she was asked, though it may be inferred from her stating that there was indeed no need to camouflage themselves that what we refer to as the imago stage is a new addition to the Quebecker life cycle and that in the past, they only ever went as far as the sub imago stage.

Habitat and Range[edit]

Quebeckers, like humans, have the capacity to live almost anywhere on Earth without too much difficulty. Their 'natural' habitat though is, since post-mass extinction event, the colder climes of the globe. They often reside near the border between Tundra and Sub-Arctic temperatures, which approximately coincides with the border between Tundra and Boreal forests, which means that they have a great variety of prey (though not necessarily a great deal of this said prey). In the last few hundred millennia, with the frequent Ice Ages gripping the world, they have migrated further and further south, into warmer climes.

The extent of their migration cannot be underestimated. At first only inhabiting the borderlands of the Arctic, circumnavigating the globe, they are now mostly concentrated from the North-eastern tip of the Canadian Shield all the way to the Saint Lawrence River valley and the Great Lakes. Though no longer inhabiting the Eurasian continent or North-western Canada, they have set up 'colonies' in various parts of the world. The most significant of these is the one found in Florida, which in the past twenty years or so has had a massive increase in population. They are also encroaching in regions that humanity once thought Quebeckers could not: the Middle East. Once thought to be too hot and out of range from the Hive Mothers influence, the evidence proves otherwise. This population is exceedingly small, but it is ever growing and may prove problematic in the future, should the governments of these countries do nothing.

History[edit]

Quebeckers, as a species, have been around for millions of years: living fossils one could claim. The earliest remains of Quebeckers are from pre-extinction epochs, and as such makes them one of the few species to have survived it.

Cretaceous Period[edit]

The earliest remains of creatures that may correctly be called Quebeckers date from the dawn of the Cretaceous Period, these being the fossilized remains of sub imagoes. Since larvae lack a bone structure, very little is known about their prehistoric past. At this point in time, it would appear as though the sub imagoes had means of reproducing sexually, and so would have had dual genders. This was discovered upon the finding of the 'Lawrence Fossil' by German archaeologist Randolf Klehaffeustaffen in 1863. An extract from his journal documents the find.

I have stumbled upon a fossil on the northern bank of the Saint Lawrence River in Lower Canada ya, the likes of which I have never encountered before ya; it has a long elongated skull ya, the eye socket being disproportionately large for a creature of this size, ya... ...[the creature] has a long, snake like body with what appears to be eight legs near its end ya, with a pair of large, clawed arms ya... ...Within the throat are what look like teeth ya: perhaps an inner mouth, or a barbed tongue of sorts, ya.

It was believed that his find was a hoax and he was exiled from the German Archaeological Society (Deutsches Gesellschaft Archäologisches) and then mysteriously disappeared while on holiday in modern day Cambodia. The importance of his find, something which he failed to notice upon finding it, was only discovered over a century later by Canadian Researcher Bob in 1995.Canadian Researcher Bob discovered within the chest cavity of the fossil remains of fossilized eggs. Upon further study, he discovered the reproductive organs of the sub imago and began to mate with it. His wife, Canadian Researcher Bob's Wife, caught him in the act and joined in. They were then discovered by the other researchers of the facility who called the police and they were arrested. But, since there is no law prohibiting fossilophilia in Canada, they were let go, though the head of the research facility had Canadian Researcher Bob fired for reasons of immoral use of research material.

Canadian Researcher Bob though, having been too busy fulfilling himself with the fossil failed to realize the importance of his find. It was later discovered that the contents of these eggs had been partially preserved. All that they contained were teeth, which leads some to believe that the offspring of these Quebeckers may have been larvae, and thus the Quebeckers of the early Cretaceous would have had a more fly-like life cycle.

Approximately 130 million years ago, the species began to change, with the appearance of females that were born with already fertilized eggs. It is unsure whether this was caused by a slow disappearance of males, or if indeed it caused their disappearance, but ultimately they were erased entirely from the species about 120 million years ago. At this point, there is a gap in the fossil record, but at some point in time between 120 and 100 million years ago, the first Hive Mother came into being. It is therefore also during this time period that Quebeckers lost most of their thinking capacity and replaced it with the Hive Mind, whose 'central server' was the Hive Mother herself. This first Hive Mother reigned until the Mass Extinction Event that took place 65 million years ago.

Mass Extinction Event[edit]

The first Hive Mother, sensing the approaching comet used her great psychic ability to telekinetically displace herself to where the comet was going to hit. She utilized her massive psychic abilities to create a field that could contain the explosion, and sacrificing her own body to absorb a large amount of the impact. Had she not done so, the Earth would never had recovered from said Mass Extinction Event.

It is important to note that this is what Quebeckers tell us, and Quebeckers are never to be trusted.

Most probably, the Hive Mother happen to be in the comet's path and her psychic abilities were insufficient to move her. In either case, she sort of saved the world, save that chances are she would rather have had the world obliterated than sacrifice herself for anyone or anything. It has been proven that Quebeckers are lying, deceitful, selfish creatures.

The remainder of the species took shelter in large caves that they excavated in advance in the northern reaches of the world, in what is now Quebec. Upon the death of the first Hive Mother, one of the surviving Quebeckers randomly began to grow to exceedingly large proportions. Due to the lack of food present on the planet, the majority of the Quebeckers were consumed by the Hive Mother in order to keep herself sustained.

Tertiary Period[edit]

Once the world was restored to health, the new Hive Mother (who is also the current Hive Mother) began to start laying eggs once again, and so the species began its slow recuperation from the near extinction of all life on Earth.

During this period, the species continued to evolve. The larvae became increasingly intelligent while the then-imagoes began to grow ever less so. It is unclear, as many things are regarding Quebeckers, whether the Hive Mother had any influence on the evolution of the species or if this change occurred naturally, but it proved to be to her advantage: it gave her greater control over the fully developed Quebeckers which she used to spread further across the globe while not spending too much energy on the larvae that did not require much guidance and were not likely to do anything she would not like.

This rather stable and much slowed down evolution continued until her next period.

Quarternary Period[edit]

In this period, the evolution of Quebeckers took a major turn, and is by far the greatest evolutionary change to occur in any species over such a short period of time (~1.806 million years).

Relatively early on in this period, the Hive Mother sensed for the first time the presence of early hominids. She sensed the potential for intelligence but failed to act accordingly, or with enough speed. Had human evolution been left untampered with, she would not have had any cause for worry, but approximately 130,000 years ago, a tribe of hominids (who would later evolve into homo sapiens) found the Monolith which granted them intelligence. The sudden appearance of a contender to the global hegemony (being millions of years old in age, a few hundred thousand years is rather sudden) basically made her panic.

She then took steps to, instead of attempting to eradicate these early hominids (who, being on a far away continent, would have been hard to eradicate),mold the evolution of her species in a matter of a few generations to add a third stage in their life cycle. This stage is now referred to as the Imago Stage, and the imagoes resemble modern homo sapiens. And so, the Quebecker species as we know it today was born.

Human-Quebecker Relations[edit]

This cave painting is one of the earliest depictions of Quebeckers by humans. It shows a Quebecker having killed an individual, with another attempting to defend himself.

Historically speaking, Human-Quebecker relations began much earlier than the first time that humans physically made contact with Quebeckers, and therefore these relations really started once the Hive Mother detected early humanity. Here though will be discussed not the first time Quebeckers came in contact with us, but rather the first time we came in contact with them.

Native Americans[edit]

The 'first contact' took place when Man first migrated to the North American Continent. This took place approximately 19,000 years ago, but it took a few thousand years before we encountered the Quebeckers. As humans spread further across the continent, the Quebeckers retreated further north in an attempt to avoid coming in contact with us.

European Colonization[edit]

It is important to note that Austrians never colonized the New World, ever... Very important...

While Spanish colonization of the New World took place mostly in the southern reaches of the continent, thus avoiding most if not all contact (none has been documented), the French were the first to encounter the species.