French Foreign Legion

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The French Foreign Legion (Le Stupid Militaire Des Autre Endroits) is a low priority, dead end military battalion where French soldiers, who are shittier than the average French soldier, are sent to do tours of duty in places no one cares about just so that the French government has one less citizen to provide adequate food for (see socialism). However, due in recent years, due to actual ass kicking of poorly trained Al-Qaeda terrorists in Iraq, [1] the FFL has gained a level of worldwide respect equivalent to that of the Dalai Lama's covert ops 'anti China' missions.

In other words, they do shit, but still piss off a specific group of people enough to gain a smidgeon of respect from world leaders.


Early History[edit]

The French Foreign Legion was founded in the year 16.25 by the Romans, who, using the Oracle of Delphi to research the Akashic Records, determined that 'France' would be a future country and thus needed a long range defense force once Rome fell. Thus, that's why French is a fucking romance language and not German, (which is ugly, guttural, and sounds like you're choking on a chicken bone every time you say something with either h, i, l, j, k, e, or o).

The people who were actually in the original FFL are unknown, however by 1625, 1024.75 years later, the FFL made themselves known by butchering some obscure Prussian king and carting off cartloads of German Relics, thus this is why three hundred years later, the Germans sacked French museums and sprayed silly string all over famous French statues during sillynaucght in 1939.

A couple decades later, as English cannons drew near Paris, the FFL, which was currently partying in the Vatican because the pope had discovered the wonders of Absolut Voka, power walked 700 miles to the defense of Paris. They lost horribly, and it took a year for the real French military to retake the city, but they still made a 'last stand' that looks cool in Age of Empires, but is shitty in real life.

In Between Times[edit]

During the three centuries between the sack of Prussia, and WWII, the FFL mainly specialized in buying and selling psychedelic drugs from China and then trading it for Aztec Whores, (who are totally hot when covered in blood as pyramid sacrifices by the way) until the Pope went to AA meeting, got sober, and told them to stop or be condemned to hell. They stopped, and nothing else happened from 1899 to 1941.

WWII breaks out[edit]

In this time of horrific crises, the FFL fought for two seconds, then went underground to party and be guerilla fighters, which were 'cool' at the time. Once again, the real Militaire De France had to intervene and also ended up underground because French bolt action rifles suck.

After liberation by the boys in blue. Or is it boys in red, I can't remember, wtfomglolzorsshit who cares let's go on. The FFL dutifully joined the United Nations to compete with Kenya, which actually had a better Foreign Legion even with half their country starving.


  1. Yes, the French are in Iraq, if only to steal American Humvees and resell them to Russia, whose cars suck by the way.