“Friendly fire...is not...”
“In Soviet Russia, friendly shoots YOU!! Wait...”
“Friendly fire is friendly.”
Friendly fire, also known as "Fuck, the Yanks killed more of our troops than the enemy did", is a term for a form of secret handshake used in the Army, in which soldiers shoot each other in a comradely way. While the sport is dominated by the Americans, occasionally other nations are allowed to participate, making Friendly Fire almost identical to the World Series.
Friendly Fire is what keeps the social lives of soldiers at war held together. This near-instant messaging allows for running dialogs during an otherwise dull and depressing war. "Yeah, friendly fire is what really kept me and my buddies going," says a war veteran, "I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have a buddy to exchange bullets with every morning. It was a way of bonding with other males in a way that wasn't even the least bit Gay."
In modern Video Games of our time, friendly fire is encouraged, so remember kids, Shoot your team mates for bonus points.
The History of Friendly Fire
Soldiers have been shooting each other in the foot to express friendship for many years. Some reports claim that Indians used to stab each other as a greeting, though this hasn't been proved.
The concept of Friendly Fire first surfaced in the War of 1812. It all began when a lone F-16 pilot had trouble finding a target, then as he was heading back to the aircraft carrier he found a group of allies and decided to greet them by bombing them. It gave all of them a jolly good laugh, and it became a popular recreational activity.
WWI also known as "The War to start more wars" led to Friendly Fire being made into an artform. It was the first incident in which solders shot each other for recreation.
In WWII, it became extremely common, with soldiers recreationally shooting each other left and right. "It had become a part of every day conversation, sort of like a compliment. We'd win a battle, we'd congragulate each other, then we'd shoot each other over some fresh brandy. Someone would tell a joke in the mess line, and we'd all laugh then start shooting each other. A Medic would save you from gangrene, and you'd thank him then shoot him in the face."
Friendly Fire Today
While somewhat overshadowed by Gay sex, which, in today's world, is regarded as a very manly way for two heterosexual males to pass time, Friendly Fire still exists to some extent. Imagine the comfort and joy of knowing that a mere 500 feet away is a special little someone who shoots at you only! Rapture unbounded!
The obvious appeal of such a service did not escape military officials, who quickly began massive advertising campaigns to boost enlistment: "Join the Army, get shot at by your buddies!" This also appealed to some females, who enlisted, boosting morale and the quality of meals and giving soldiers something else to have sex with other than pinecones.
Friendly Fire also exists between romantic couples, usually called "romantic fire". Casualties have decreased because of romantic fire. To indicate that you are curently in a Romantic Fire relationship, one simply slips a golden band around one's M-16/AK-47, etc. This announces to all combatants that you are no longer available, generally reducing the number of people who will shoot at you. Oddly, the Royal Marines never suffer from friendly fire, some believe a special vaccination is issued, others that since they can be identified as an elite frontline commando force, the yanks don't fire 'cause troops of that calibre don't exist in the US or Iraqi-Dacki army.
Here is an example of a conversation held by a friendly fire bullet:
Friendly fire: Hello, my good friend. Axis soldier: Hello. Friendly fire: Do you have any use for me on this fine day? Axis soldier: Yes, I do. If it wouldn't bother you too much, would you mind being fired at those Allies over there? Friendly fire: I will do it, but only for a friend as good as you. Axis soldier: Thanks, pal! Friendly fire: I'll miss you, buddy. Axis soldier: I'll miss you too. (the Axis soldier fires the bullet at an Allied soldier) Friendly fire: Oh, dear. I'm terribly, terribly sorry about that. I'll pay for the medical bills, I promise. Allied soldier: Don't worry about it. Friendly fire: Oh, but I must! I simply cannot feel right just leaving you like this! Allied soldier: Thanks for offering, but I'm afraid I must decline. Friendly fire: I see. I just wish there was something I could do to make it up to you. Allied soldier: There is, my friend. Friendly fire: There is? Please tell me what it is, and I will do it no matter what! Allied soldier: Well, you're in good enough condition to be fired again. Would it bother you if I shot you back at the Axis? Friendly fire: Oh no, not at all. But I have a favor to ask of you, friend. Would you please aim me at the soldier who hit you? Allied soldier: It'd be my pleasure. Friendly fire: Good! I'll get to meet an old buddy of mine! Allied soldier: Goodbye, have a nice trip! Friendly fire: Goodbye, dear friend. (the Allied soldier fires the bullet at the Axis soldier) Axis soldier: Hey! I know you! You're my friend! Friendly fire: Indeed I am! I apologize about your chest. Axis soldier: No problem! In fact, when you consider the irony, it's quite funny! Friendly fire: Hey, it is ironic! (the two share a good laugh)
(the exchange recorded above has been identified as gay. please avoid at all costs 'lest a giant Hungarian space viper eats your brain and farts in your general direction. I don't mean any disrespect but I believe that the writer of the aforementioned exchange may be from a galaxy big on musical theater nudge nudge wink wink. Also please note that i do not believe that the original writer of the above exchange actually knows what "friendly fire" actually is. I know this is a website for funny things but saying that friendly fire is when you get shot and then shooting the enemy with his own bullet is not funny. Its actually a steaming pile of horse shit. Thats the number 3 worst kind of shit after elephant and octopus shit.)
In case the person that you hit dies
RUN AWAY! I can not stress this one point enough. Tell everyone that you went for a late night jog about 3 miles away from the incident. If this doesn't work because someone else saw you do it then shoot them too. Then blame it on Jews. People may yell at you for being anti-semitic but if the screaming British ten year olds on Call of Duty are to be believed then being a Jew hater is far preferable to being a team killer.
If you are uncomfortable with blaming it upon Jews then you are free to pick on the following people because no one comes to their defense: the French, Nazis, Japanese businessmen fetishs, stoners, the aliens that probed you as a young child then beat you, and Mexicans stealing your job (this last group can only be used for purely political reasons or if you just want to say complete bullshit. To use this as a
political reason you must be a Republican.)
After you have concocted your story and told it to the proper authorities, you must flee in order to appear guilty. But you must flee
immediately. The purpose of appearing guilty is so that they can court martial you. You will win the case using the following argument:
You: I didn't do it. It was my evil identical twin Juan Geraldo(does not have to be Juan Geraldo or your evil identical twin. Other suggested names include Dick Cheney, Barack Obama, Muslims, my butler, or Colonel Mustard in the Conservatory with the M16A2). He is the devil and I am Jeebus. The Simpson's Movie foretold of my coming but you ignorant fools ignored me and now my wrath shall become apparent! I have replaced all of your coffee with decaf...with no cream!!!(flop on floor, scream)
When you are put away because you are deemed insane, you can start writing your tell-all book about how you were beaten as a child and how your mother made you dance naked while she was working during her night job: as a professional hooker. You should devote the last two or three chapters to some nonsense about aliens, Area 51, and how the government is trying to brainwash us by tainting our milk with chemicals from squirrel milk.
You won't get very many smart people to buy your book but a lot of people who live with their mothers and blog about the UFO they saw while they were taking their monthly bath will. After you are released then you can use the 53 cents that you have left over after taxes to buy yourself something nice like a pencil or an eraser. On second thought you probably won't be able to afford an eraser. They cost big money. Money that you won't have. Anyways now that you've sort of beaten the charges you can lead a normal life but you may be bothered by a few paparazzo. They'll go away when they realize that you are actually the third most boring person in the world (behind Louise Rogers and Richard Lubbock of course). Now you can die in peace.