“Friends can be annoying sometimes.”
“The blonde talky one was in Analyse This, and thus forever has my respect.”
“THAT'S NOT EVEN A WORD!”
“Hey... how you doin'.”
“Post for Miss Chanandler Bong!!!”
“These people are friends”
Friends is a popular American
family comedy show about six people (or 'friends' if you will) who like to hang out in a coffee shop together. It's most watched by women, gays, Icelanders and its most devoted fans, Somalian pirates. The show was first created in 1936 by Martha Fuckmeman as something that Sonja Henie could use to bribe the judges in the 1936 Winter Olympics. Eventually, though, Rupert Murdoch bought the show for seven Mongolian roubles and it has been showing on FX ever since.
The programme features seven main characters: Monica, Ross, Rachel, Feebles, Joey, Chandy and, perhaps the show's most iconic character, Snake Boy (To quote Feebles, "Kids will walk past his place and run! Run away kids from crazy snake man!"). The characters would frequently get into bizarre everyday situations, such as Ross finding out that his wife is a lesbian, Feebles and Snake Boy drunkenly hooking up in London, or the multi-award winning hundredth episode, 'The One With The Massive Blood Orgy'.
The show takes place entirely in the comically-titled coffee shop Central Perk where at least two of the Friends can always be found, which itself is in an alternate reality where September to March make up an entire year, completely removing spring and summer, although all of the friends have tans. The clinically depressed Ross, portrayed by Razzie Award Nominee David Duchovny, is the character most fans think of as the 'heart' of the show since most of the other characters somehow connect to him; he is the brother of Monica, he has dated Rachel and Feebles, he and Chandy were college frat brothers and it was the Satanic ritual performed by he and Joey that spawned their son, Snake Boy (in the classic Emmy Award-winning episode 'The One With The Human Sacrifice').
Jennifer Anus-stain portrays Rachel Green. Rachel is the drama queen of the Friends. During her first appearance in the Pilot episode she came to her old college friend Monica, looking to stay with her for a while until 'the heat wears off'. Instantly she was a fan favourite. Originally, Rachel was intended to be a paranoid schizophrenic emo, but the writers felt this was too unoriginal and scrapped the idea in favour of the 'spoilt brat' persona the fans have come to love. At first, Rachel was unwilling to leave her old rich life behind, but the other Friends soon convinced her that their average lifestyle was far superior (see 'The One With The Vaginal Stimulation'). She is now a tantrum-throwing, knife-brandishing, curse-spewing thug of a character, and has on several occasions punched Snake Boy in the eye when he didn't do what she wanted. Also, she tried to stop Ross marrying some ugly British whore, but was knocked down by a bus (see 'The One With the Bus Part 5'). Rachel once got married in Las Vegas with Ross, but she denied that she was sober at the time (see 'The One With The Drunken Mistake parts 1 and 2').
Corny Cocks Etiquette portrays Monica Geller (I KNOW!). Monica is the most eager member of the Friends, always up for fun and very excitement. It is usually her who organises the Friends' adventures and outings. Monica is also a very maternal character. When Snake Boy is not being cared for by its fathers Ross and Joey, Monica is always happy to feed it the raw meat it requires to survive, sometimes getting a perverse thrill from watching it consume. This is just one of Monica's many trademark 'crazy moments' that have made her character one of the most popular in the show. Her catchphrase is 'I BLOW!'.
Matt LeBland portrays Joey Tribianni. Joey is the womaniser of the group - goodhearted but
retarded dim-witted. He gets the most women out of all the male Friends, even Snake Boy. Whenever the Friends perform a Blood Orgy, Feebles, Rachel and Monica go straight to Joey, leaving Ross and Chandy to hug naked in the corner. It is these classic moments that have cemented Joey as The Official Second Funniest Stud on TV (behind joint winners Rowan Atkinson and Snake Boy).
Matthew Perry portrays Chandy (aka Ghandi) Bonk. Chandy is the geekiest Friend. He is known for almost always having his laptop out, anonymously writing obscene jokes on pornographic websites. He is a very sexually frustrated character, and has attempted to rape all three of the female friends throughout the show's history, instead breaking down in tears and pouring alcohol onto his erect penis, a move voted by the loving fans as 'Chandy's Funniest Moment'. Chandy famously uses his perverse humour as a defence mechanism, and is constantly quipping awkwardly during the Friends' Satanic Rituals, much to the annoyance of the other Friends. Chandy and Joey are best friends and roommates, and have on numerous occasions reached second base together, in one of the shows' most tender love scenes. His catchphrase is 'I CAN SUCK MY OWN DICK.' Chandy can be a bit of a pushover and has endured Monica's torment for years. Most recently he has become infertile after Monica punched him too many times in the groin during his scarf dance. Poor old Chandy...
David Duchovny portrays Ross Geller. Ross is a manic depressive, and is the only character in Friends who has never smiled on screen (however, it is rumoured that he smiled whilst his back was towards the camera in 'The One Where Monica Goes Back in Time to Save JFK). The character is the most unwilling to participate in the frequent Devil Worshipping acts the Friends commit, but since Ross is such a pushover he is usually coerced with the promise of fresh human blood. Each episode begins with Ross attempting to kill himself in a different way, but failing to somehow. For example, the Pilot episode started with Ross standing on the couch at Central Perk with a noose around his neck, ready to jump off but unable to tie a successful knot. It was then that he uttered his famous catchphrase 'Awww, nothin' ever goes right for me!', spoken at least eight times an episode since Season 2. He has attempted relationships with both Feebles and Rachel, but both have ended with him in a coma (see Season 3 Finale). Ross is the only Friend with a full-time job and often boasts to the other illiterate friends of his success in the dinosaur industry. The friends soon find out his secret shame however and find that his love for dinosaurs is no less than a kinky fetish, see "The One Where They Catch Ross In The Museum After Hours"
Lisa Kudrow portrays Phoebus 'Feebles' Buffet. Feebles is a very spiritual character. In her early episodes, tests showed that she was the least popular Friend, which may have been down to her 'far out' storylines such as getting chicken pox or learning to ride a bike. Such storylines were dubbed 'unrealistic' and the later episodes portray Feebles as a more down-to-Earth, psychopathic character. She has on several occasions risen and subsequently murdered/made love to the demonic corpses of her deceased family, and famously sliced off her own hand and fed it to her pet Chupacabra live on air (see 'The One With The Hacksaw') in one of the show's most critically acclaimed scenes. She grew up on the streets, and it was there that she learned to execute her trademark 'Kali-Mah' heart removal technique. She also married ugly British whore's long lost brother, but he died. Luckily, Feebles had forgotten about it by the next episode as the Friends so often do. Her catchphrase is 'Swing hard to break the bone.'
Cuba Gooding Jr. portrays Snake Boy, the adorable adopted son of Joey and Ross. The character is by far the most iconic, appearing on T-shirts, coffee mugs and billboards since his appearance in the Season 2 episode 'The One With The Human Sacrifice'. In the series finale of Season 7 "The One Where Everyone Dies", Snake Boy kills the rest of the cast because they did not tell him how he was brought to life, however in the third episode of Season 8, "The One Where Everyone's Back", Snake Boy brings everyone back to life by sacrificing 20% of the population of Texas to God. His scaly complexion and empty black eyes have been replicated by trick-or-treating youngsters for years, and he even had a type of cake named after him in an Asian city. Friends co-creator Genghis Khan has dubbed Snake Boy the 'breakthrough character' of Friends. His catchphrase is 'Diabolus Reigns!'.
The show's iconic theme tune, 'I'll Be There For You' was written and performed by little-known American shit metal band The Rembrandts. Friends creator Martha Fuckmeman chose the song out of three other possible choices; Paul McCartney's 'Maybe I'm Gay', Justin Bieber's 'Baby' and AC/DC's Highway To Hell’s Kitchen. Fuckmeman says she chose the song because of the relatable lyrics and the band's obscurity. The band planned to sue the creator for copyright issues but he had them ripped apart by Huns in the famous Martin/Attila court case of 1412. The song was voted 10th most iconic theme song of the 50s, and its 2001 Help Haiti Edition sold over 19 million copies worldwide.
The Pilot episode was nominated for a TV Oscar for Best Newcomer, and the Series One Finale for Best Onscreen Rape. The controversial episode 'The One Where Feebles Goes To The Grocery Store' was almost taken off the air for its scenes of intense horror and sexual brutality, and won a Granny for Best Soundtrack. Jennifer Anus-Stain has twice won an Oscar for her performance as Rachel, and a third for Best TV Villain in 1883 for her portrayal of Rachel's terrifying lollipop lady twin, Santana. The three-part episode 'The One With The Genocide' was nominated for and won every Award possible in the year it was broadcast, including Best Hitler Death and Best Onscreen Exorcism. Matt won an honorary 'Sophie' award in 2006, however he stole a fake promotional statuette and ran off instead of accepting the real award. He is yet to be tracked down.