Fritz the Cat
Hey, yeah, Fritz? He was a real cool cat. He saw it all, he did it all. He fought many a good man and laid many a good woman, had riches, fame, and adventure. He tasted life to the fullest, and yet he still cried out for more! Oh, shit! how can there be any more?
Fritz was born in Animal Town, fuckin' a. He was a poet in college, smoked lots of pot, dropped acid and screwed around in bathtub orgies left and right before dropping out to became a pop musician. But he soon craved more. He realized that his fellow students didn't know that there was more to life than constant studying for their exams with their heads in a bunch of dusty old books and their thumbs up their rectums. Yes... yes... he remembered the time when it was all very inspiring and enlightening... all this history and literature and sociology shit... You think learning is a really big thing an' you become this big fuckin' intellectual and sit around tryin' ta out-intellectual all the other big fuckin' intellectuals... Fritz realized that the world was passing him by, and that he, a writer and a poet, should be havin' adventures an' experiencing all the diversities and paradoxes and ironies of life and passin' over all the roads of the world and digging all the cities and towns and rives and oceans... and making all them chicks!
Fritz's farting around days over, he burned all of his books and papers and set out to see the world. In the 1930s, he was a successful gangster, but lost everything to excessive partying and drinking. Then he was a soldier in Nazi Germany, had a Ménage à trois with the wife and daughter of a commanding officer, and was briefly an assistant to Adolf Hitler, but quit after the Fuhrer repeatedly tried to rape him. There, he was killed by the United States Army. But, since cats have nine lives, he's still got a long fucking way to go from here.
In a later life, he was recruited by the C.I.A., where he infiltrated Communist China and stopped a plan to drop a bomb filled with their people on the United States. After leaving the C.I.A., he attempted a revolt against the government. Although arrested, he was later cleared of all charges after he shared some of his weed with the DEA. As an astronaut, Fritz was sent on the first missions from Pluto to your anus.
His experience with a government agent led to Fritz being sent as a diplomat to New Africa, where he was mistaken for an assassin and shot. But, remember, cats have nine lives, right? Eventually, he settled down and married
his childhood sweetheart some bitch he knocked up, and spent all of their welfare and child support checks on pot before she threw him out because he was stoned all the time, and she got tired of bitching about how he never took their constantly-masturbating son fishing and whatnot. Fritz soon got into a bad drug scene, harassing people on the street for smack, but retribution soon came in the form of motion pictures.
Fritz's first feature film, Fritz the Cat, was directed by Cthulhu, and costarred Dick Cheney and Colin Powell. The film was an excellent biography chronicling his triumphant college life, and was loved by pretty much everyone, except for That Guy...you know who he is. His second feature film, The Nine Lives of Fritz the Cat was an even bigger success, and was followed by more sequels, including Fritz Goes to India, The Human Tornado, and Big Money Hustlas. Fritz ran for president of the United States in 1992 and was elected the winning candidate against Forrest Gump. Fritz served two candidacies before being succeeded by Satan. Despite frequent sex scandals, Fritz was the most popular president in American history. And, apparently, he was a hip hop producer at some point as well.
Fritz lost his last life by being stabbed in the back of the head with an icepick by a fucked up ostrich chick. Even though he's dead, they still made more movies starring him. Hey, if Tupac Shakur can still release new albums more than 10 years after his death, they can prop Fritz's bloated cat corpse up for a few more features.