Frogdar™ is a device similar to Gaydar™; it is used to detect frogs (the French). It is powered by the element Merdium, the second element of the idiotic table (though the French believe it is the first and refer to the first as R). The inner workings of the Frogdar™ are a mystery, but it may ironically involve fiber optics as well as the souls of twelve little girls in two straight lines (who are not actually French). The Frogdar™ comes in both a Bluetooth headset and a little rubber awareness bracelet.
Why Use Frogdar™?
It is well-known that the French are a threat. Like the Antichrist, they are oddly attractive and charismatic, despite not showering or using deodorant. They bring prosperity to most ventures they touch, but in reality they are plotting the end of the world. The search for truth ends in absurdity; the French quest for truth (truth only intended for God’s eyes) will result in chaos and destruction. While they claim to be Catholic, the only thing the French will give up for Lent is Catholicism. Do not trust their beautiful cathedrals, they are tainted with progressive social democratic politics and their government buildings are afflicted with cultist rituals conducted in a language no God-fearing American can understand.
The Frogdar™ may seem useless at first, if one is in France one knows everyone there is probably French. However, though many are unaware of it, the French are everywhere, even the U.S. They have lived in their respective states so long that they do not immediately sound any different from other people, but they are easy to recognize, eating their quiche, drinking their coffee and buying oddly attractive yet off-beat clothing. Even without an accent, Frogdar™ makes them easy to spot as their French existentialism and cynical jokes can be detected even through the highest noise concentrations. Frogdar™ makes it apparent if someone has read a children’s book in which the main character commits suicide (France’s most beloved book – the French must read it by the age of thirteen or be guillotined); if someone who sets off the Frogdar™ gives someone a book as a gift, one can be certain it is a copy of Le Petit Prince and avoid it.
Usually Frogdar™ works very well (such as in the following situations).
Things that correctly set off Frogdar™:
- • Off-beat but appealing fashion (smooth, straight lines, simplistic design; imagine if Ikea made clothing)
- • Expensive coffee that does not come in a Starbucks cup
- • Existentialist/jaded/cynical jokes followed with an oddly charming smirk
- • Anything involving Gerard Depardieu
- • The Professional (the French really like Natalie Portman in that one)
- • Words that have been shortened to make them sound cooler
- • Techno
But sometimes Frogdar™ has problems identical or similar to the following.
Things that may erroneously set off Frogdar ™:
- • La Madeline’s (it is not really French)
- • Germans (Germans may be mistaken for frogs and vice versa)
- • Emo kids (they look a little Euro but it is really a cargo cult)
- • Celine Dion (she is Canadian; like king snakes, they only look dangerous)
- • People who wear black turtlenecks (might be beatniks, could be German if the sweater has red stripes)
All French are born with an innate frogdar (secret government documents suggest that the Frogdar™ device may have been developed through the study of French infants). The French tend to run into each other in foreign countries, as through drawn together by some unseen force. They recognize each other without any need for words; the French can just tell. It is suggested they may be able to smell each other in much the same manner the dogs they love so much can. This may also explain why they allow dogs in restaurants. Please note that this sense does not exist in second generation French with any great accuracy. Second generation natural frogdar can only accurately detect Europeans but often has difficulty knowing what the country of origin is.
This is the only reason the French have yet to conquer the planet. Conspiracies become rather difficult to keep up when members can no longer correctly identify each other. Some may worry that Frogdar™ will fix this problem and lead to world conquest, but with everyone able to detect frogs, they will probably not last long, their conspiracy burst wide open.