Fruit of the Loom

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Oddly enough, the banana is included among the fruit on the men's underwear label

Fruit of the Loom makes underwear to sell at Wal-Mart and in Soviet Russia. Originally, the plan was to make underwear out of fruit to save money. When that plan failed in the year 1850, they decided to use the less slippery farm substance of cotton instead. Oprah wears ladies' Fruit of the Loom underwear when lounging in her big, ugly mansion. Their most famous underwear are their men's briefs whose half-life can exceed that of a deer in Minnesota. Fruit of the Loom underwear are manufactured somewhere in the United States of America by outsourced labor working for mere cents per hours, thanks to the American plan.


Fruit of the Loom was founded by Eli Whitney, a poor model and very overrated historical figure. Eli's original dream was invent something to benefit the suffering models of his day. Since he worked as a slave on a large fruit plantation, he thought he could make underwear for other male models cheaply out the skins of pears and kumquats. He enlisted fellow slaves and took most of the fruit growing on the plantation. He then created an underground laboratory for the creation of underwear out of fruit skins, but his endeavor was soon discovered by an Egyptian taskmaster. The Egyptian didn't like Eli, or fruit, or male models, or Wierd Al Yancovic, and therefore decided deal with the situation by flinging a rabid bobcat with a lit stick of dynamite strapped to its back into the soon to be mess. Eli was not crushed though. He salvaged his most prized posession, a magical lamp, that when rubbed (how cliche') released a genie known only as the Cotton Gin. Eli did this, and was soon informed that there was a great substance in the world known as "cotton" which could be used for semi-comfortable genital protection (aka, underwear). Thus, the modern-day Fruit of the Loom had begun.

Through the Years[edit]

Death of Eli Whittney[edit]

Soon after the official founding of Fruit of the Loom, the Boer War began in South Africa and caused a massive repurcussion throughout the world initiating farmers, lawyers, and starving artists to rebel against their own personal enemy. Coincidentally, all the farmers, lawyers, and starving artists (of whom Eli considered himself) lived in an area dubbed "The South", and their personal enemy was anyone who lived in the area dubbed "The Freakishly-better-in-every-way North". Inhabitants of "The Freakishly-better-in-every-way North" could not understand the sudden hostility, but later philosophers have agreed that the cause was heat stroke. Eli Whittney left Fruit of the Loom to join the battle, and was quickly killed by an unexpected bullet while standing outside Fort Sumter. Fruit of the Loom did not do well immediately after the death of Eli, and were forced survive on the food they picked up at Salvation Army. They were, however, able to eventually get back on their feet as the male model population rose.

Entering the 20th Century[edit]

For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Fruit of the Loom.

As Fruit of the Loom entered the 20th century, many important historical events took place. The most noteworthy being: 1) The root word of "Bully" was finally correctly translated, 2) the Republican Empire quietly died, along with its main hit group, the Ku Klux Klan, and 3) Women gained the right to vote. FotL (Fruit of the Loom) decided that if women can vote, they should be allowed to wear underwear as well. Thus, FotL began production of women's underwear along side the men's. Woodrow Wilson declared that the production, sales, and usage of women's underwear was unconstitutional, and sued the company. This case went all the way from Maycomb, Alabama, to the Supreme Court where it was decided in favor of Wilson, thus declaring the right for women to wear underwear being unconstitutional. On 16th amendment, well-known for being the amendment legalizing income tax, was also added that women could not use underwear. This was an unpopular move, and almost cost Wilson his presidency if it wasn't for the fact that he was a Democrat. With the constant strikes and suicide bombings, it was finally decided that women should be allowed to wear underwear, and it was added as a side note on the 19th amendment. FotL made a killing, as they got the patent and was therefore the only source of women's undergarments in the world.