Fuck All

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“From Portree down to Oban, from Dalwhinnie up to Lairg, from Inverness 'cross to Stornoway, from Barra to as far as Nairn, from Golpsie o'er to Ullapool, from Dingwall to Aviemore, there truly is fuck all to do, the Highlands are a fucking bore.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Fuck All

The great expansive hillsides of Fuck All make up the largest modern Scottish region of which Inverness is the capital and gaelic is the official language apart from the Royal Doric Burgh of Caithness where the Royals visit the Castle of Mey now and again and royal servants from Aberdeen and Deeside have introduced the Doric discretely. No one likes Caithness because they can't get involved in the recent historical Gaelic teuchter craic little Skye, Inverness and Ullapool, so we all laugh at them for speaking like the villains from Doctor Who and failing higher SQA examinations. The region stretches from Inverness in the south (unless you include the Lochaber bit around Fort William in the very far south) all the way up to Durness in the northwest with a bustling metropolis known as Lairg somewhere in between these two commercial centres. Both Inverness and Fort William share solidarity in that they are the only two places that you can do anything, yet are surrounded by non-Highland Glaswegians wanks (for lack of skill with the knife in Weeegieland) and Middle-England cocks.

Regions / Siorrachdan[edit]

  • Lochaber - Consists of Fort William and not much else bar an awful lot of English incomers, many of whom are upper class, retired and do not seem to understand that they no longer live in the Home Counties.
  • Skye and Lochalsh - Nothing except a castle called Eilean Donan used for making calendars and films. Oh, and many more English incomers.
  • Easter/Wester Ross - Absolutely nothing, not even hills in Easter Ross.
  • Sutherland - Hilly wasteland of funny looking rounded hills and single track motorways. Not even one town (and neither Golspie nor Lairg are real towns).
  • Caithness - Big, flat peaty bog with a hellhole called Wick and a nuclear powerstation at Dounreay just to keep it in the news. Half-breed Highlanders.
  • Invernessssssssssshire - Never really existed until now just to make Inverness sound big and important.
  • Badenoch No wonder it's called Badenoch or "the Drowned Land". Nothing grows here, NOTHING. Not even the children.
  • Nairn County - Doesn't exist, just a football team in the Highland League.
  • The North West Highland Geopark
  • The Western Isles - Series of underpopulated islands that speak out far too much for their size.
  • Strath Spey - Recently re-crowned as "In-Breeding Capital Of The Known Universe". Strath Spey is also the place where they send police officers after they've had their brains removed. They replace their brains with small microchips that locate and target Known Deviants (The Feckin' English), Known Criminals (Feckin' Sassenachs), People Who Aren't Inbred (Feckin' Sassenachs again) and speeders. The local police also spend inordinate amounts of time examining the rectal-areas of those unfortunate enough to have broken the law (by being English or speeding). The best way to avoid a speeding-ticket in Strath Spey is to carry live sheep in your car and use them as bribes for the local police, who are always looking for a sheep they've not shagged yet.

White Settlers[edit]

Typical 'White Settlers'

A new and diverse type of people are entering Fuck All claiming to feel the 'Celt in them' and are coming up to the Highlands to enjoy the life sapping weather and mind numbing boredum that charcterise the region, I speak of course of the English scum who having over bred and ruined their country seek to come up to ours and ruin it.

They plant there pathetic seeds and hope something will grow and idlely make light of the weather knowng they will ultimately have to return to their own ruined land or similar events of The Shining will surly occur in the wilderness that is the Highlands; the English go stir crazy up there without the mind suppresents and Prozac contained in Irn Bru. Usually these White Settlers rent out their 'renovated' home at extortiant prices to disenfranchised locals.

Salmond has encouraged this as he hopes that the economy will benefit from the 'development of the region by screwing the English for their money' Visconti says that anybody will do, He has vowed to civilise "Fuck All".


One of several hundred overtaking lanes dotted along the Highland motorways.

Once a thriving and busy centre of industry, it was rendered desolate more or less overnight during the Highland Clearances, a special 24-hour sale during which the landowners sold off the poorer of their tenants to the nations of Canada, America and Australia, all of which were short on populace at the time. Any government buying one family of dribbling, babbling simpletons was given four more free.

Where once thousands of happy workers could be seen merrily collecting sheepshit for traditional recipes, now only the wind and the rain have mastery over the highland expanse (though they have made recent attempts to sell it on). Occasional centres of populations have sprung up here and there, mainly in the form of Americans or Englishmen who have bought up local properties and now use them as getaways. This is astonishingly popular with the balanced and contented locals, who go out of their way to make their new neighbours feel welcome and happy.

The Scottish inventions of bitterness, rain, condoms, lawn chairs, anal lube, and anti-depressants originate from this area. Feck All is gaelic for feck all - rather a rude term, which is why the gaelic version is always used. One of the more interesting parts of Fuck All is the United States territory, which is in an undisclosed area. Even the 2 people who live there are too drunk to remember where it is.

See also[edit]