Full House

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to navigation Jump to search

Operation Full House was a US military operation that lasted from 1987 though 1995, though it is still in syndication. It was created late one Saturday when Zonald Donald Zeagan (Ronald Reagan's evil twin), some anonymous military guys, and Butters were having their usual drinking binge/cabinet meeting. Minutes for the meeting were taken by Satan and are in some kind of horrible cursed illegible runic language that causes you to burst into flames the moment you see it, but the participants are believed to have been eating Sour Patch Kids.

Note: Although it is rumored that Bob "Danny Tanner" Saget had unapproved sex with the 8 year-old Olson twins, the other two girls, and whoever played the older daughter's friend, you know--the bitch--this rumor is very likely untrue. Why would he cheat on Jesse and Joey? No one knows their names anymore, and Bob "the Faget" Saget likes it tight. REALLY tight. Really tight rolled-up cocks like heavily lubricated sausages sliding right into his ass and exploding hot. Then again, he may be a pedo instead of being gay. Kind of would explain that creepy demeanor he's always had towards the girls.


After a clean freak named Danny Tanner "accidentally" kills his wife by shoving a mop down her throat because she told him to fuck off so he decided to clean her mouth out with Pine-sol, Danny enlists the help of his brother-in-law Jesse (who later turns out to be the world's worst Elvis Presley impersonator) and best friend Joey (who is just plain retarded, as well as a Jeff Daniels wannabe) to look after his three daughters. Hmm. Three grown men and three little girls in one house. Kind of perverted when you think about it.

At the end of the series, it is revealed that Mrs. Tanner was not actually dead, but was instead hiding behind Stephanie's underwear drawer. She faked her death to see how the idea for the show itself would work out. And since it sucked, she decided to reveal herself in the series finale. The episode ends with all the characters hugging, only to be eaten and later crapped out by Kimmy Gibbler, their deranged neighbor.

Unknown to most viewers, Joey Gladstone was the father of DJ and Stephanie. Think about it, he's the only blond on the show, and Katsopolis is WAY to Greek for the dead mom to have blond hair. In addition, nobody in a million years would have sex with Danny Tanner. Not only this, but the dog Comet was the father of Nicky, Alex, and Michelle.


There were two points to Operation Full House:

  1. Gather all the most dangerous threats to America (Bob Saget, Dave Coulier, the Olsen twins, et al.) and seal them off from the public in a closed sitcom set
  2. Air the sitcom on network TV, instantly killing anybody who would actually choose to watch more than three seconds of it and thus making the world a much better place
  3. After that people would start to turn into vegetables and who will only watch full house...they will then be violently sodomized by Bob Saget


Strangely, nobody objected, as basically everybody in the world was also smoking crack and/or drunk as all hell that year. Soviet Russia offered Yakov Smirnoff for containment, but the USA politely declined. With bombs.

The Cast And Various Horrible Fates They Deserve[edit]

Bob Saget[edit]

Bob Saget was assigned by Robert E. Lee to hold the Fredricksburg Heights against Union General John Sedgewick whilst Lee defended his rear positions against Union attacks spearheaded by the capable General "Fightin" Joe Hooker. However, Hooker became nervous, and ordered his troops to dig defensive positions, ruining his surprise advantage. Lee escaped once again.

Saget defeated Gen. Sedgewick in less than half an hour, thanks to the Wolverines' help in killing the commies, intellectuals, naysayers and gays, and was able to assist Gen. Lee with mop-up operations.

Sadly, Confederate General "Stonewall" Jackson was fatally wounded after returning victorious to his camp, bringing to a close the notable Jackson-Longstreet Pornography Ring of 1863, which had terrorized central Washington D.C. for months, flooding the sizable erotica market with cheap duplications and poorly-made drivel. Saget was also known for inserting his penis in Dave Coulier's mouth any time he spoke out of line. Likewise, Dave Coulier stuffed his back "exit" every time he bent over to pet that freakin' dog. Recently on the TV special "The Friars Club Roast Bob Saget" he admitted to naming his testicles Mary Kate and Ashley and has actually tatooed their name on each ball.

Dave Coulier aka Joey Gladstone[edit]

Dave Coulier is a slang term for smegma, also known as "dick cheese".

What the fuck did Joey do that was so great? Jesse was the "cool guy" (at least in the context of this series), but Joey just sat around, played with toys, made goofy noises and watched cartoons. He suffered from a condition where he had the mind of child. So mentally, he was the same age as any of the children on the show. It's a good thing D.J. could run faster than you, you fucking freak.

John Stamos[edit]

John Stamos, under the name of Jesse Cornonthecobstapolis, was found inside a purple fetus in the future. He later became addicted to amphetamines. He refused to do a ninth season after ABC told him he couldn't rape anyone (especially the kids) on the show anymore. This would've been fine if anyone else quit, but since he had the lead role the show was canceled after the eighth season. An alternate ending to the series finale involved John Stamos being raped by ferrets and dismembered by Dave Coulier. Coulier and Stamos were fond of the pitch, but ABC thought it was too awesome for a finale, so the idea was scrapped.

Candace Cameron[edit]

Popularly believed to be merely a typo for Candid Camera. Cameron is known for being one of the fatest mammals on record. She is the younger sister of christan freak Kirk Cameron and she claims to be a christan herself, but those twenty abortions she has had doesn't help her. In 1990 Candace Cameron made history by successfully raping all of the full house cast members. She is also believed to have fathered the dog Comet which make her michelle's biological grandfather.

Besides D.J. Tanner, Cameron is also known for playing Jabba the Hutt in the highly successful film series Star Wars. The amazing part of that role is the fact Cameron required very little make up before appearing on screen.

Jodie Sweetin[edit]


Notable for playing the first Full House character to grow boobs (with the possible exception being Dave Coulier's Joey Gladstone.) Get in my fuckin bed and fuck me hard and good... baby i love you soooooo much and i want to make some babies with you. you are my lover that i am having an affair with. damn i loved the night we fucked so hard in the shower!!!!!!!!!!

The Jodie Sweetin Memorial Sperm Bank was opened in 1995, in honor of the thousands of gallons of semen spilled when she began developing that sweet-ass body.

Kimmy Gibbler[edit]

Was originally cast as an Asian, this is paid homage by the fact that in every shot she is visible, she is eating a bowl fried rice.

Besides having a penis, the Hustler pictorial revealed that Barber also had large testicles. Depicted in this image is the smug, self-satisfied grin of a man who knows his junk is bigger than yours.

Kimmy Gibbler also has a penis. This was the first time a network television program delved into the sordid world of trans-sexuality. Gibbler's status as a male was first made public in 1988, when pictures of him engaged in bareback anal sex with a harelip Cambodian midget were published in Hustler Magazine.

The revelation that Andrea Barber, the actor that played Gibbler, had a penis inspired ABC to tape a 120 minute "special" episode of Full House celebrating cultural diversity and the Muslim holiday season. The episode, titled "Kimmy's Christmas Sack", was a modern retelling of "It's a Wonderful Life" featuring Gibbler in the George Bailey role. In this never before aired episode, Gibbler realizes that, if he had never been born, he would not have been able to mercy fuck Fatty (DJ), help Uncle Jessie come to terms with his homosexuality, engage in a circle jerk with Joey, Al Sharpton, and Pat Robertson, or set up his secret multi-million dollar cartel operation with Santos (briefly introduced at the end of episode 14 in season two, and never heard from again after.) Realizing this, Gibbler begged his guardian angel (played brilliantly by Huey Newton, of Black Panther fame) to bring him back to life, in exchange for a quickie on the bridge. The episode poignantly ends with Gibbler getting a face full of angel jizz while the entire cast rings bells, and at least one gong.


Steve at his Tidy-est.

Candace Cameron's love slave, because no one would willingly have sex with her (besides Bob Saget), as pointed out in several early episodes.(Before she got melons, and also conveniently before she met Steve.) Anyway, all this motherfucker did was eat. Any time he had a line it would be muffled by a doughnut, or Fig Newtons, or Dave Coulier's cock. For some reason, after all the food he eats, he never gets any fatter. He was supposed to die in the unmade ninth season. His death consisted of him eating everything in the house,(including Dave Coulier's cock) then his stomach exploding after weighing a total of 6546 lbs.


Used as a crutch for every single fucking gap in the show that the scriptwriters had about two years into the show's run, saying everything from "Aus cream" to "You're in big trouble, mister!" to "I'll let you squeeze my titties for 20 bucks!". (See: Tired gag, Marmaduke, Family Circus)


Bob Saget is lecturing Michelle, who is staring at him.

Bob Saget: Now, Michelle, remember NOT TO EAT those COOKIES that I conveniently placed directly next to your high chair. I'm going to go remind Joey that he still needs to find a job, and to stop staring at Stephanie's soft, dewy, nubile skin at the dinner table while not blinking. I'll be right back.

Michelle: Yubyubymuck.

Bob Saget: (laughs) Hah! Oh, Michelle.

Laugh track

Michelle stares at the cookie jar

Alternating close-ups on the jar and Michelle's face

Bob Saget: Michelle!

Michelle is eating cookies

Bob Saget: Oh, kids!

Slide whistle, Benny Hill theme music, fade to black

In addition to having a hand in the Heath Ledger murder (2008), it is widely known that Michelle had ties to Al-Queda.

What ever happened to predictability, the stripper the porn hound evening porno But did I get to livin' here, somebody tell me please, this old world's, confusing me, Clouds as gay as you ever seen, ain't a bird that skrews your mom then a little voice inside you whispers:, kid your not getting out anytime soon

Everywhere you look, everywhere you go There's a cock, (There's a cock), a nightmare all around you Everywhere you look, everywhere you go There's a fag who wants to rape you Everywhere you look

When you're lost out there, and you're all alone, the tanners are waiting to take you to their home Every where you

Everywhere you look


Positive aspects[edit]

Most people are not willing to admit the snug, joyful sensation they get inside while studying the operation. It gives everyone a warm feeling that brings them closer to family and friends. Because everywhere you look there's a heart, a hand to hold on to. (Unless, of course, you're laying in a remote ditch with only two containers of antifreeze that you've already ingested and you're eyelids have been eaten by a pair of imaginary polar bears; then you're fucked.)

Memorable Episodes[edit]

  • Get the Fuck Away from Me: DJ feels that Danny is getting over protective of her, which starts to piss her off. He crosses the line when she wakes up to find Danny cleaning out her vagina with Febreeze. She snaps at him, which really hurts Danny. But when Bill Cosby breaks into the house and tries to eat DJ, Danny rescues his daughter by kung-fuing Cosby's ass. DJ apologizes to her daddy, and allows him to brush between her cleavage.
  • Pure Gold: The Golden Girls come to visit. Blanche tries to get into bed with Jesse, but ends up with Joey instead; Sophia tries to molest each of the Tanner girls; Rose accidentally kills Michelle's friend and tries to hide it; and Dorothy and Danny hang out. In the end, the two families come together to vanquish Steve Urkel, and sing a catchy song.
  • Dead Man Abuse [parts 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5]: Danny is away on business, but is looking forward to coming home to seeing his favorite uncle, who is coming to visit. But the day that he arrives, he dies on the doorstep. This leads to a hundred situations involving a dead body being shoved into places (including Michelle's vagina), hung from things, and given a makeover. One of the most memorable parts of the episode was when Becky comes home drunk and, thinking the naked dead body on her bed is Jesse, has sex with the corpse. In the end, it turns out the corpse was the mailman, and that Danny's uncle was alive the whole time! This episode is also notable for being a majority of the 5th season.
  • Joey Gladstone's Come and Gone: The insane asylum Joey broke out of comes and tries to pay him to come back. Joey must make a the tough choice of whether to stay with the family he loves to fuck, or going back to the asylum where he has many pals to lick him in every place of his body, as well as Dr. Snubbles and his group of assorted rape-puppets. Eventually, Joey decides to go back to the asylum. But just as he is about to leave, the family hold him down and prevent him from leaving. A few moments later, Joey finds himself tied up to the kitchen table, wearing only underwear, and decides it was all a sugar hallucination.
  • What Do We Do Next?: No one is able to come up with an episode idea and so they do nothing. That's all the episode is is just nothing. Oh, wait, at one point Jesse gets up and gets a drink.....and there was that one thing before commercial break where Danny stares at Michelle in the tub. But other than tha- oh! there was also that one part where DJ's boyfriend gets a paper-cut...but then he gets a bandage and all is well. So.....yeah.
  • Michelle vs. the Ninja: A Ninja assassin comes to America to kill Michelle...and succeeds! Meanwhile, Danny faces Joey in Mortal Kombat over who gets to molest Stephanie.
  • JESSIE PUNCH!: Jessie performs the dreaded Falcon Punch on Kimmy just to get him to shut the fuck up, while Michelle seeks to attain the powers of hell for herself.
  • It Had to be Poo: Michelle pulls a tiger out of Jesse's ass and grows fond of the creature. But when the frog in Jesse's ass begins to miss his friend, he crawls out and challenges Michelle to a duel. Michelle wins but the tiger suddenly dies of a heart attack. The frog is saddened and kills himself. A funeral is held and the two are buried. The episode ends with a corny joke and Danny being raped by Vanilla Ice.
  • Full House: ANNIHILATION!: the Emperor Shao Khan plans to use the Tanner household to open a portal to merge Earth and Outworld together, then has sex with Kimmy Gibbler.
  • Where's the Keif?: Keifer Sutherland makes a cameo performance and kicks Stephanie in the throat. Meanwhile, DJ tries her luck at being an actual Disc Jockey, and inevitably gets shot to death at her Junior Prom for Rick-Rolling everyone.
  • Houston, we have a penis.: the full house cast tries desperately to remove a massive penis out of the living room of their home (because it is in San Fransisco). Only to end up covered in gallons upon gallons of jizz and Danny throwing a bitch fit because his "house was no longer clean".
  • the Trouble with Danny: Everyone decides they've had enough of Danny's obsession with cleaning, and incite a rebellion against him. Michelle tries to stop it, only to be lit on fire, shot, stabbed, farted on, get her head bashed in by a crowbar, and get her neck snapped.
  • Forever Tanner: Crossover with Forever Knight. While visiting Toronto, the Tanners meet vampire cop Nick Knight. Nick does the Tanners a favor by using his super strength to rip Michelle in half.
  • Thunder Tanners: Crossover with Thundercats. the Tanners are transported to Thundera, and team up with the Thundercats to get back home. In the end, Michelle becomes the new Mumm-Ra, and DJ loses her virginity to Lion-O.
  • Mixed Nuts: Both Olson twins accidentally run on set at the same time, so Danny sees two Michelles and thinks he is having drug-induced hallucinations. He runs upstairs to hide his stash, when he finds DJ in his bedroom lighting up. They enjoy some quality bonding time as they smoke the rest of the episode, and play strip poker with Jesse.
  • Godzilla Strikes!: Michelle attacks Tokyo and is killed by Godzilla.
  • Let's Give 'Em a Hand!: Kimmy's failure to find any extra-curricular activities at school lead her to find her calling as an intern at a mortuary. She then meets a young surgeon (played by that ugly dude from Mask) who offers her $1500 for every severed hand she brings him. She debates the legality and morality behind the ordeal, but soon realizes that they don't apply to amphibians like herself, and turns in 7 for $10,500. Meanwhile, the Tanner gang gives Uncle Jesse an intervention for his creepy methods of masturbation.
  • Captives of COBRA, parts 1 and 2: Crossover with GI Joe. When Danny refuses to pleasure Destro, the Tanners are kidnapped by CORBA to made into Cobra Commander's concubines. They are then saved by GI Joe, but are betrayed by Michelle, who was working for COBRA this whole time. Michelle is killed when Snake-Eyes cuts her throat open.
  • Ectophase Activate!: Crossover with Masked Rider. Count Dregon kidnaps DJ in an attempt to make her his queen, but gets his ass kicked by Masked Rider and DJ's boyfriend, Steve. Meanwhile, Joey and Ferbus have sex in front of Michelle.
  • Saddle-Whacked (Series Finale): Michelle and a friend practice for their horseback riding competition when mafioso Silvio Dante lures Adriana La Cerva, one time mistress of Tony Soprano and Mob snitch marked for dead, into the same wooded area to kill her. Right as Silvio is about to pull the trigger on Adriana, Michelle rides by, and Silvio mis-shoots twice, with one bullet landing in the horse's ass and the second, straight in Michelle's heart. Silvio runs away in panic and Adriana blacks out and collapses in fear. Michelle's riding partner comes to her friend's aid as Danny, Joey and Jesse gallop over to Michelle. They rush her to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center where she is pronounced dead on arrival. The family mourns the loss as they hire Robert Stack to investigate the shooting. Meanwhile, a nearby hippie commune nurses an unconscious Adriana back to health and when she wakes, every detail of the incident is remembered and she reports her accounts of the shooting to police. Stack then meets up with the CIA to find the wanted mobster. Silvio is captured in Nicaragua by Jesse, Stack, Luke Spencer and Kimmy, whose smelly feet lured Silvio over to her in a club, due to his prominent foot fetish. All attend trial when Adriana testifies against her almost-killer, and Silvio, along with his crime family, are brought down for good. The Tanners receive a settlement worth $60 million dollars, the amount of money that "the family" was worth at the time of their operation closed down. Adriana escapes their world and grows close to the Tanners, especially with Steph, who begins rooming with her in Michelle's bed while teaching her how to be sexy, in hopes of Steph becoming a mistress under her tutelage. Michelle's story becomes profiled on Unsolved Mysteries and Rescue 911 (in which William Shatner plays Robert Stack, and vice versa), and Jesse finds a new little girl to molest, when he kidnaps the Welch's Juice Girl from a Los Angeles commercial shoot.
  • You got it dude, NOW SHOVE IT IN ME (Reunion Special) This episode was never aired because of lack of interest in seeing Bob Saggot molest the Oleson twins once more. In the un-aired episode, Danny is at home cleaning soap when Jesse and Becky walk in from Jesse's therapy sessions. Recently, the family convinced him that Elvis is indeed dead and that he should stop acting like a huge douche bag all the time, inside this tore him apart, resulting in day to day psych sessions. Becky sits on the couch and starts to cry because she misses her twin boys, Nicky and Alex, who just last year became the stars of the hit show "The Suite Life of Zach and Cody". Danny has a huge freak attack because she was messing up his newly washed couch. Then Michelle walked in, still acting like a damn four year old, even at the age of forty six. For some reason DJ, the oldest daughter who was notable for being un-cute and extremely annoying, and not to mention a whore, is note in this episode, maybe because they fired her for having no catch phrase. Uncle Joey ( by the way he was not there uncle, just some old creepy guy who like to watch scooby do and the smurfs a lot naked in his bedroom, and most likely did it with the girls after Danny had his fix) got off his ass and got a real job, married and had kids, and has not since spoken to the Tanner family, most likely because the made his life hell. Then Stephanie comes in to calm down her father, and to clean up the dead body of Kimmy Gibler, who overdosed on the floor. Recently, Stephanie's catch phrase was change from "How Rude" to "You wanna say that again you filthy whore!!!!!" Michelle leaves the room, only to come back a minute later with chocolate on her mouth, and then she made a few comments that know one could understand due to her damn speech impediment(for example, "Aus Cream", and the way she says everything kinda like she has down's syndrome.) Danny asks her if she has been eating the newly baked cookies he made, she replies no, then Danny finds the cookies in her hands in pockets. He confronts her and then spends the rest of the episode going on and on about how his wife died, and that all his kids mistakes stem from their moms death, even the little ones, like when they dont tie there shoe. This then ends the episode, like it did every other Full House episode ever made.
  • Mommy?: Jesse's mom comes to visit with her closeted husband (Jesse's step dad). In the middle of the Night his mom sneaks down to Joey's room to have sex but she ends up having sex with Michelle instead. Danny comes down and see's them, but instead of stopping it he gets a mop and wipes the sweat off of their backs. The next day at breakfast Jesse's mom tries to play footsie with michelle but ends up playing footsie with D.J. instead. After that D.J. falls in love with her grandmother. But Kimmy comes in and see's her and he falls instantley in love with her. The episode ends in a huge gang bang.
  • Jesse Gets Married: It's Jesse's wedding day and he is getting married to lesbian talk show host Becky Donaldson. On the day of their wedding Jesse walks in on Becky and Kimmy going at it so he beats the shit out of them and forces them to watch his [[[Elvis Presley]]] impersonation. In the end they get married anyways and have a huge orgy with Michelle in the final scene, accept Jesse wasn't there, so it was really just Becky and Michelle. It's ok because D.J. gave Jesse a handjob while Steve watched.


For some reason, a spinoff was launched halfway into the series, again as a military operation. The official title of the series is unknown, but most people know it as Step By Step. It consisted of a wannabe looking whore, Patrick Duffy (Scuzzlebutt's left leg on South Park), and randomly generated children.

External links[edit]

  • [1] a clip from the Full House music video