G-Rex

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Size of a fully-grown G-Rex compared to the Earth (simulation). Here the monster is depicted using the Earth like a Stair-master®
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Giganotosaurus Rex is the maximal-ginormous freakin' carnivorous mythical-creature that ever lived. This beast existed around 8.1 googol years ago - well before the creation of the Cosmos.[1] It is the biggest monstrosity to ever roam the confines of nothingness. Fortunately they were all obliterated during the Big "BANG!!!", which blew the beasts back to the time that land forgot. Only a totally-bogus tooth fragment has ever been found to confirm the actual existence of Giganotosaurus Rex, and Uncyclopedia’s strict NPOV is that the tooth is certainly genuine, only believed to be otherwise by totally hopeless realitarians.[2]

Only existing trace of G-Rex[edit]

G-Rex tooth found next to a giant petrified Papaya Tree, has been worshiped by Aliens for eons, and from this genuine tooth alone they have estimated the size of the humongous beast.

“The tooth contains a huge cavity obviously caused by eating too much sugar. And because there was no food available except for other Giganotosaurus, therefore we conclude that G-Rex were composed mostly of glucose and sucrose!”

~ Capt Oblivious on Giganotosaurus

Based on this tooth sample which is found in South America, and worshiped for generations by extra-terrestrial carnivores, the beast is estimated to be approximately 10,000 times larger than a T-Rex, which actually thrived during the 'Jurassic Park Period', better known as "The Stone Age" (NOT the Swinging Sixties).[3] And with T-Rex 10,000 times larger than humans, you can just imagine how big G-Rex was next to humans. In fact humans had no fear at all of G-Rex, for 2 reason:

  • Humans were too small for G-Rex to see.
  • Humans were not created yet.[4]

Scientific Fact[edit]

“First God said, 'let there be Giganotosaurus Rex!' - then, after a while, He decided to create the material existence, which wiped out the G-Rex!”

~ Jesse Jackson on God and His creations.

The G-Rex creature is obviously real, and NOT make-believe or the figment of someone’s imagination. In fact, the G-Rex is quite imposing as the subject of a jerky monster movie named Cloverfield, which was quite good, except that it was extremely inaccurate in that it depicted the monster as being 10,000 times smaller than it really was.

Discovery and species[edit]

Giganotosaurus Rex (G-Rex) was named after the words, Gigantic, and Rex Harrison (NOT the actor), an actor and amateur fossil hunter who, in 1993, discovered the tooth fragment that was being used by Laird Hamilton for weight lifting exercises in 'Yeyo National Park', Northern Cali, Columbia. Although entire South America takes pride in the Tooth, still the Columbian tourism authority advertises, "Forget the tooth, Gringo! Drop the "h" and have a toot!"[5]

Estimated Size[edit]

The G-Rex tooth specimen, estimated (by Laird Hamilton) to weight over 140 Kilo Tons, seems to prove that the missing skeleton was about 15 kilometer tall, including the skull, pelvis, tail, and head. And adding legs and feet to the creature makes it even taller. The G-Rex was so tall that it's head rose well above the atmosphere, and was occasionally exposed to meteor bombardment. Gore's team inferred that if G-Rex was hit in the head by a meteor going 500,000 km per second, it most probably would "see stars".[6]

Various estimates find that it weighed at least between 2,000.3 to 2,0000.3 dino-tons when fully imagined.[7]

G-Rex Jargon[edit]

The G-Rex is believed to have had a very limited vocabulary. Although the beast spoke few words, these sounds did contain deep import, though we can only speculate because there is no G-Rex dictionary available on Amazon or eBay. Here are some examples, which Al Gore's team determined were mostly the sounds of eating and evacuating:

GLUP! GLIK! SPLORP!
SLOOPLE! CHOMPLE! GARK!
SKLORSH! GLUK! KLOONG!
KAPLAM! SPMAM! POONG!
BOONG! KLOON! PLAM!
FLADDAP! SLURK! GLUP!
DRIPPLE BLIT SHPLIPLE!
DROOT! GLORT!' kerflooey

Paleobiology[edit]

Artist's impression of the size of a baby G-Rex (referred to as a "tad pole") towering over a fully grown T-Rex

Size[edit]

Giganotosaurus Rex was 10,000 times larger than Tyrannosaurus rex, but had a brain only about as big as a sesame seed, or, perhaps, a ‘Grain of Sand’. Acme lab's Dr. A. E. Neuman, D. Div., concluded that, "only an idiot would have a tooth that large!"[8] Neuman's team based this deduction on the size of the tooth. This conclusion was the result of a 50 million dollar grant given to Mad Magazine by the Church of Scientology. The Church plans to prove that life existed in the vacuum long before the material creation ever took place (a belief it shares with the World's major religions, viz., ITSCON, Moonies, and Agnosticism). Paleontologist speculate that the fully grown adult Giganotosaurus Rex was more than 410,000 ft (which is more than 124961 metres) in length.

Teeth (tooth?)[edit]

The teeth of Giganotosaurus Rex were wider than a giant petrified Papaya Tree.[9] It has been guessed that a well-developed sense of chewing means that it most probably "wolfed-down” or "bolted" it’s food, without chewing. Wiki Note: Yes, that must be it![10]

According to Col. Trautman, the monster could eat things that would make Rambo puke - except Rambo. Trautman believes that eating Rambo, specially Rambo: First Blood Part II, would make even the G-Rex puke.

Skull[edit]

Estimates made on Computer simulators have its skull being so large that you could park a 747 Airplane inside it’s left ear cavity alone. Or easily cram the Queen Mary down its throat. And with a brain cavity estimated to be only the size of a grain-of-sand it's skull bone was very thick and probably heavier than Mount Everest on a clear day.

Sense of Smell[edit]

Al Gore ran a 20 million dollar computer test on his iCool MacBook which determined that although the creature may have had eyes, still it was almost certainly blind (because Light had not been created yet), and depended entirely on it’s sense of smell to hunt. The conclusion of the 5 year study was that, perhaps, the creature had some form of nose. "Only a serious Mac OSXXX iPhone upgrade could possibly enable science to reach a conclusion in this matter!".[11]

Diet[edit]

Because G-Rex was the only creature known to have ever lived before the material creation, therefore it is obvious that the only food available was other Giganotosaurus. Therefore, conjecture has concluded that the smaller G-Rex ate the larger ones, while G-Rex of the same size hung out together in their respective "hoods" - similar to those occupied today by creatures infected with Bad Nigger Attitude, like Eminem's Mom.

Speed[edit]

“Well, if it moved 100 kilometers per stride, and each step took, say, one minute, like, do the Math, Man! Thing must'a been goin' about 60,000 klicks per hour!”

~ Dr. Thomas Chong on the average speed of the Giganotosaurus

Visiting Hollywood Professors, Drs. C. Marin & T. Chong (2001) estimated that Giganotosaurus might have been capable of running at speeds up to 100 kilometers per step. So actual speed would have to be determined by how fast the beast was moving.[12]

Sex?[edit]

“It is our scientific understanding that the G-Rex was asexual, which is based on the obvious fact that no women would want to have Sex with a 15 kilometer tall monster!”

~ Al Gore on Giganotosaurus' reproductive habits.

Although the G-Rex itself is an entirely misunderstood reality, still, its being A-sexual is a proven fact: Believe it, because you fucking paid for it!

Classification[edit]

Artists rendition of a fully-grown G-Rex compared to the Earth. The beast could leap across the ocean in a single jump, as depicted, had it not become extinct at the time of creation

Giganotosaurus, along with relatives like Alien, Flying Purple People Eater, Jeffrey Dahmer, and Hannibal Lecter, are members of the 'Dodaj komentarz' or meat-ball species of Fleshitarians, who are also related to Leather Face, "Glass" Mike Tyson, and Count Dracula.[13] But the main similarity that they all share is possibly being make-believe, a category known as "Crock-is Maximus".[14]

In popular culture[edit]

First depicted as Godzilla (by Daikaiju Gojira), the pre-creation giant non-vegetarian, has stared in a number of films, the most recent being a remake of Godzilla, and the headache-to-watch Cloverfield. The beast has achieved Cult Status, and has much to be proud of – not the least of which is being featured in Uncyclopedia.[15]

See also[edit]

References[edit]

  1. "BS & more fucking BS! - by Illuminati spokesperson, Alfred E. Neuman (published HERE)
  2. "Get real!! Do You Actually Believe in Reality?" by Rev. Tom Cruise, BSSocial News, Jan. 1, 2013
  3. "Welcome to Yeyo National Park, Gringo!" Columbian tourist brochure, cover page 3, FEATURE: "Forget about the tooth, drop the 'h', and have a toot!"
  4. Academy of Supernatural Non-vegetarian Bull Shit
  5. Garlic and Curry, (2002). 'Giganotosaurus Hoax' from the Upper Regions of Cali. Journal of Mega-BS, 222
  6. LOGIC, 2004 annual issue, #22
  7. "What, Me freakin' Worry?" by Al Neuman (2006), "A New Bull Shit from Columbia. Only Yeyo is real"
  8. "I pity the fool!" Martin, Dean (1999). "Contenders for the crown of Twisted Reasoning". Bull Shit 7 (0): 1,1196–1,2467. 
  9. By Soap Opera, Excess Entertainment
  10. Uncyclopedia
  11. "Bill Gates Interview", Anarchy Times, Nov. 2009
  12. "Get a fucking life!" Fred Coznoffski. (2001). "A new approach to evaluate the stride of the giant hoax". Get Real Times (2): 1,93–3,02. 
  13. "crap2000! You say?", You Don't Say Magazine, Dec. 1894
  14. Ref Myth Busters, #14, 2007
  15. "Jeez! Are YOU still reading this absurd twaddle?

External links[edit]


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