G.I. Joe

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Colton, Joseph Brady
Warning: May cause decapitation, blindness, sore neck, and other side effects.
Born Central Falls, RI
Nationality Pure Blooded American
Other names "G.I. Joe", "Chief", "Master Chief", "Master Chief Colton"
Education West Point Military Academy
Occupation General of the Army, U.S. Military
Partner G.I. Jane

“'Till the sweat drops down my balls. 'Till all you bitches crawl.”

~ JFK on the need for an American President to sound youthful and vigorous

Joseph Colton was an inductee in the U.S. Army. After completing boot camp, he acquired the nickname of G.I. Joe, as he strove to be "General Issue," a perfect soldier suitable for politicians to adapt to any use from being the recipient of enemy machine-gun fire to, more recently, a footsoldier in the campaign to achieve "outreach" to Islam.

Colton embodies the ideal of a soldier as someone whose arms and legs can be bent and straightened to prepare for any combat, real or imagined. The Hasbro Corporation sold millions of G.I. Joe toys, supporting the strategic goal of training American schoolchildren to pretend to be adult politicians ordering strapping young men to their deaths in vain foreign wars, participating in clandestine gunrunning operations, and giving secret assistance to insurgent forces that they claim to be fighting.


Joseph B. Colton graduated with the highest honors from the United States Military Academy at West Point in 1960. An expert marksman, he was recruited by Special Forces, and later became a Special Forces Green Beret. During service overseas, he participated in numerous combat operations, but saw minimal acknowledgment, as his missions were "ultra" classified. In 1963, he was appointed by then President John F. Kennedy to create and command an "ULTIMATE freedom fighting force." It was at this time that he received the code name G.I. Joe.

He later "retired" from active military duty, and was placed as the head of a secret Strategic Defense Initiative installation in New York City. There he served with the lead scientist, G.I. Jane, who originally maintained cover as a combat nurse. General Colton may also have several connections to the land down under as he was deployed multiple times in the Gulf of Mexico for classified operations during the Cuban Missile Crisis.

President of the United States[edit]

Colton is sometimes portrayed as the President of the United States, personally creating an intergalactic defense shield for the nation. To stop the US from ever being attacked by the auto-bots again, Colton creates an interconnected web of satellites and space defenses.

President Colton doesn't care what the international community thinks. He's a Real American President, and he's gonna do what he damn well pleases. The Auto-bots will never get to the cyborg technology that enhances Colton's natural born leadership skills.

He, his Vice President Clay, and Secretary of Defense Hauser have plans for the Autobots who have invaded their world. Those wishy-washy Decepticons and their loser kid hanger-ons? They'll deal with them later. But right now Colton has a date with Destiny from across the street and she is wearing a tank top today for fuck sakes. After that he will be watching the Patriots kick off and one ought not to fuck with him once the game begins.

John F. Kennedy[edit]

The animatron resemblance is uncanny, is it not?

General Colton was fabricated entirely by the "Secret Societies" as a replacement for John Zombie Slayin Pimpin Fitzgerald Kennedy in 1963. Colton was ordered to report to Washington D.C., to his surprise, to meet his counterpart, the president. He was subsequently served New England clam chowder and baked beans and given special orders to create and command America's new elite fighting force, codename "G.I. Joe" under the Department of Defense.

Assassination Hoax[edit]

Kennedy left Colton with his lucky shamrock as he boarded Airforce One for Dallas, Texas. Colton was pictured standing next to Oswald shaking hands with what appears to be the Devil, or maybe just Dick Cheney. The following day as Kennedy staged his assassination so that he could start his retirement in Jamaica, Colton moved throughout Dallas in search of any remaining flaws in their elaborate plan. He later had to clone Oswald with a rubber chicken suit to assure Dick Nixon couldn't spot him.


There is nothing Colton hates more than crawling undead beasts from hell. As long as we continue giving him access to top secret military grade machinery, well, we don't have shit to worry about, now do we?

Medal of Honor[edit]

Colton was a recipient of the Medal of Honor from World War III and World War IV. He received this, the highest military honor awarded by the United States of America, for his actions in the Second American Revolution on December 21, 2012, where, after all of the other Marines in his platoon were killed or wounded, he operated four machine guns, singlehandedly stopping an entire Cobra regiment.