GI Joe

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to GI Joe.

G.I. Joe A collection of short movies detailing real military operations conducted by the Kentucky National Guard. Cobra the arch enemy of GI Joe actually represented the Moonshine runners that the KNG battled from 1823 until 2 months ago.


G.I Joseph was started in the 1930's as a way for the government to recruit homosexuals into the military. In later years, to cash in on the popularity of the military, it was decided that if little boys were going to play with dolls, they should at least be Manly gay dolls- err...Action Figures. These Action Figures would totally beat off homosexuals, completely destroying the point of G.I Joseph in the first place. Several GI Joeseph's with "Kung-Fu" grip were home on leave or furlough would have parties and get Barbie drunk. It was from these drunken sex parties she loved so much where Barbie also became known as but love Barbie (And you wonder why your sister still hates you, after what you and Joe did to Barbie's purity?) GI Joe had a number of different jobs, including sailor, pilot, paratrooper (with working parachute),porn star (with working dildo), Marine, Wal-mart greeter (Special Brainwashing Edition), and regular soldier, and came in White Joe, and Black Joe, there was even an Astronaut Joe, but a Black Astronaut Joe was a very rare find indeed.

JOE Shrinks[edit]

It wasn't until the prom that Hawk realized his friendship with Gung-Ho was truly over

This was of course until 1981, when the geniuses at Has-been toys decided that the Big Joe was too expensive to make, and really gay to play with. To remedy this, and to sell thousands of actually really cool vehicles and play sets, it was decided to shrink Joe's penis. Joe was taken to a top-secret science type lab and shrunk (including his ball size). At this time, we saw the emergence of the COBRA terrorist movement. Prior to 1981, Joe had fought Imaginary Communists, your pet cat, and heterosexuals, but now he had a REAL enemy! The downside of course, was no more Barbie nookie. The team was expanded from white Joe and Black Joe to include:

  • Duke: The yellow haired old gay major.
  • Scarlett: The redhead chick that was mostly for sexual value, to make the show seem heterosexual.
  • Snake eyes: The ninja who didn't talk ( death mute )
  • Clutch: The guy who drove the cool Humvee.
  • Bazooka: The man who, oddly enough, carried a pack of bazooka bubble gum.
  • Wild Bill: A myopic, alcoholic cowboy who was an expert at crashing helicopters.
  • Quick Fix: A meth-head martial arts master and token Asian stereotype.
  • Blowtorch: A fire safety expert who loved pork chop sandwiches.
  • And a bunch of others, of which I owned all!


Cobra, as I mentioned, is a ruthless terrorist (even way back then we knew they'd be bad guys messing with America) organization, they were led by The Bobbydazzler, who quite frankly, having been named The Bobbydazzler, really didn't have much else he could do with his life except yell cobra.

Apparently he somehow had the hook-ups for some high-tech military hardware. It was supplied by Destro, who had a metal head, for no real reason whatsoever.

Anyway, with all of Destro's cool shit, he tried to take over the world. There was also a hot evil chick named The Baroness (who was constantly being fought over by Destro and The Bobbydazzler, there is a rumor, however, that the three of them have settled there differences, and you can see the results for $39.95 a month right here on the Internet) and a kick-ass evil ninja named Stormshadow Later Hasbeen decided to try and sell more figures and decided to invent a "new" Bobbydazzler. He was supposedly a combination of the DNA from all the great tyrants; Napoleon, Caesar, Ivan the Terrible, Your school principal, all of them! Unfortunately they designed the result, Serpentor, with all of their lamest traits. Serpentor had the gayest outfit, the stupidest vehicle, and cheesiest name ever.

Yo Joe! the TV Show![edit]

This just goes to show you that even with an educational advisor from Harvard, you can't count on a cartoon to teach your children spelling. Just what is the world coming to?

Joseph had his own TV show, which ruled (though not as much as the Transformers, because at least the Transformers had spaceships, and Megatron was at least threatening, and his evil plots were all barbaric and life threatening) Anyway, The Joe-team, manned by some characters you did own, and some you couldn't find, were sent on a top-secret mission in vehicles you already had, eventually they'd uncover the COBRA plot, and Cobra would come out with their totally amazing weapons, vehicles you didn't have yet, and would drive Joe back. Flint would say "What in Bloody Blue Blazes? We need to counter their hardware!" They would retreat back to Joe headquarters, which if they sold that fortress with the big-ass cannon in stores; I sure as hell never saw it! Anyway, Joe would come out with a new weapon, which again you didn't own, and save the day. Throughout all of these battles, thousands, no, millions of shots would be fired, and NO ONE EVER DIED! It's the only war where billions of dollars in planes, tanks, jeeps, and boats are trashed, thousands of bombs are dropped, and no one died.

After the final commercial break (advertising the shit you just saw on the show) they'd come back with a Public Service Announcement, with two brothers wailing on each other, and then a Joe character, like Shipwreck or Gung-Ho, would come out. Even though he'd just got done blowing shit up and ruining Cobra's day, he would tell you "Violence is not the answer!", then the kids would say "Now we know" and the Joe would say "And knowing is half the battle!" G...I...JOOOOOOE! And if the GI Joe didn't feel like telling you "Violence is not the answer," he might at least offer you a body massage. The only Joe who never did a PSA was Snake-Eyes, not because he was all hard core, but because, well, the dude NEVER talked, probably because Stormshadow cut his tongue out. This is a typical Joe show of friendship.

The Movie[edit]

GI Joe, The Movie, is not to be confused with GI Jew, The Movie.

The movie introduced new characters such as Big Lob, that guy in the Hawaiian shirt, and Bruce Campbell.

In GI JOE the Movie they re-introduced Sgt. Slaughter, the only wrestler ever known to fight international terrorism and destroy robots with his bare hands. Strangely enough his wrestling hold was called the cobra clutch.

Theme Song[edit]

Now, all rise, and face the flag, gentlemen remove your hats, for the singing of the GI JOE theme song:

He'll fight for freedom wherever there's trouble, GI JOE is there!
GI JOE, A Real Vietnamese Hero! GI JOE is here!
When your grandpa's loosing pubic hair GI JOE IS THERE
It's GI JOE against COBRA and Destro, to fucking save the day!
He never gives shit, he's never there, for freedom!

GI JOE! A real Vietnamese restaurant owner! GI JOE is cookin'!

Special Movie Theme Song[edit]

For the release of G.I. Jew: The Movie a special redone theme song was done by international pop icon Moses Solomon. The new lyrics go as:

G.I. Jew a real American Hebrew, Fighting Des-drew. G.I. Jew here to save a quarter. G.I. Jew is kosher.

Jihad Joe[edit]

It is believed that Americans are becoming more ethnocentric with simple western culture toys. They know half of the story with the G.I. Joe toys. To combat this increasing rise in western pride, a new toy line is being released by Al Qaeda Inc. It is Jihad Joe, a real terrorist Hero! It is hoped that this toy will teach tolerance and understanding. This scaled down follower of Wahhabism comes with his own Ak-47, RPG, and suicide bomber kit that actually works! He comes with in voice recording that says phrases such as “Hurray for the blessed verse of swords", "ALLAH!", and the ever classic "Death to America!"

This toy will be sold wherever a Fatwa is issued. The next toy will be Fascist Frank, a real authoritarian government hero, and of course the highly anticipated "GI Jew", a real American Hebrew.

See Also[edit]