Galactic Empire

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The Galactic Empire was one of the largest imperial governments in the history of the Universe, founded 22 billion years ago, and finally collapsed last Tuesday, ending one hell of a legacy.



Far back in the ancient mists of time, life was very dull and heavily-burdened by taxes for most of the primitive lifeforms in the Universe. While many prefer to believe that it was because all lifeforms are generally primitive anyway, the real reason was that the general form of Democracy meant that Bureaucracy stalked the galaxies like a plague, and nothing could be done, so people remained in the Middle Ages.

The Saxonites[edit]

Far away in the Triangulum Galaxy, the planet Saxona, home of the Saxonites, had finally gotten to a Renaissance after the Parliament had been overthrown and a full monarchy installed. With decisions being made a hell of a lot faster, Saxona very quickly became the most powerful planet in it's star system. It had the largest star fleet than any other planet (and, in fact, the only star fleet), as well as the most powerful armies, navies, air forces, marines and boy scouts.

During the reign of King Phartiphukass, it was decided that Saxona could help make the galaxy a better place by conquering the primitive worlds and help to build a better universe. And so it came to pass. As the Saxonites eventually grew their influence into the Galactic Empire, life became wild, rich, and on the whole, tax-free. Spirits were bold, stakes were high. Men were real men, women were real women, and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were really small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri. All dared to split infinitives that no-one had split before, and thus was the empire forged.

Imperial Zenith[edit]

Eventually, the empire ruled 1/4 of the Triangulum Galaxy by the time it reached it's zenith. Many people quickly became immensely rich, and this was perfectly natural as no-one was really poor, at least, no-one worth speaking of. Life on other planets soon learnt things like fire, flints, pot-plants and iPods. The Saxonite plan had worked, and many of the colonised worlds had become their loyal, civilised subjects.


But it wasn't long before the planets they ruled became ingrateful bastards and decided to overthrow their rightful masters, aided by pigs like Josef Stalin, Karl Marx and Richard Nixon. The Saxonites fought against them at the Cilian Mutiny of 2257, which was led by the Cilians of Cili. However, this didn't stop terrorists from Dendro XII dropping counterfeit notes over the planet Saxona, causing a huge Hyperinflation crisis that affected the entire Empire.

The Empire collapsed, and Saxona retreated into isolation to bide their time for an attempt to reclaim their empire. Because of the immediate withdrawl, all the colonies did not have enough time to install their own governments or economies, and so reverted to their Middle Age status, quickly forgetting how to used the superior Saxonite technology.

Planets in the Empire[edit]

  • Saxona - Home of the Saxonites. The capitol of the Empire.
  • Erlandea - Home of the Erlandeans, a race of drunkards in green tights.
  • Chanadas - Chanadan homeworld. French-Canadian is the main language.
  • Afstralan - Afstralon homeworld, birthplace of the Boomerang.
  • The Dendro system - 17-planet system. Full of Twats.
  • Cili - Cilian homeworld, and battlefield for the 2257 mutiny.
  • Drood - Droodon homeworld. Looks like North Korea meets Guantanamo Bay.
  • Valletta - Vallettan homeworld. Spaghetti is the main diet.
  • Canna - As in "Canna-bis", mon. Jeezas Krighste, mon!
  • Balearis Major - A really big gas giant that smells like old gymshorts
  • Balearis Minor - The little tit next door.
  • Hoopoe - Quite literally for the birds.
  • Phuk - A small shady planet where everything is legal, and I mean everything ;)
  • Strikt - The twin planet of Phuk. On this planet, pretty much nothing is legal, and new pointless rules are being put in every day.
  • Biball - A very conservative planet. Main rules here are: No Homosexuality, No using babies to help mankind, and no skipping church on sunday. all these crimes are punished by Ol' Sparky.
  • Fhagg - This planet is where the gay movement began. Over half the citizens on this world live in 3+ gay and lesbian orgy groups.
  • Slash - The emo planet. The sky here is gray, and all the plants are brown with thorns
  • Zimbabwe - Some hellhole where a primitive organism called a Mugabe took power, and when he had a tantrum decided to destroy his Planet.



See Also[edit]