| This article needs liposuction!
|This poor old lady is not in her better shape, but we wish we could trust |
your swift hands to bring her back to her former glory.
We mean rewrite it!
The planet Gallifrey was a Geonosis-class planet, umpteenth in orbit around the medium sized binary yellow stars named "That One" and "The Other One". Gallifrey's solar system was located in the constellation of Kasterborous, the Whiny Fanboy. Kasterborous position in the night sky (which night sky? Ya got me!) could be determined by locating the second star to the right and heading straight on 'til morning at least 5 degrees South from a Galaxy far far away.
Life (Don't Talk to Me about Life...)
The planet's dominant life form was an ancient, highly advanced, supremely pretentious race of humanoids known as Time Lords. The atmosphere of Gallifrey is composed of 77% nitrogen and 21% oxygen and 2% other and 1% humanoid flatus, the last element caused the Time Lords' heads to swell and magnify their sense of self-importance. Other life forms include the docile Eloi, the cannibalistic Morlocks, Rod Taylor, H. G. Wells, Marty McFly, Dr. Emmet Brown, Bob Dole, Miles Monroe, Buck Rogers (the Gil Gerard version obviously) and the Giant Purple Yellow Spotted Snorklewacker. The Gallifrey Nature Reserve, maintained by the Time Lords, boasts the last living Tom Baker in captivity.
Geography, or Gallifrey-ography
Any topographic data concerning Gallifrey is shady at best, as the Time Lords spent so much damn time in their crystal domed enclosed cities that they never bothered to poke their heads out to see. Oh, they've got creeper vines winding up the domes and blotting out the big, bright suns and does anyone bother to hire a groundskeeper to clear it off? Ohhhh, noooo...
The Rich and Glorious History of Gallifrey
Rassilon - Discoverer of the Age-Defying Gland
Before the Time Lords became Time Lords, they were just a bunch of blokes and birds like any other species on a planet with two sexes. They weren't special... utilizing primitive methods of transport like Kias and infinite improbability drives. Then one day, an anti-aging cream salesman named Rassifril learned that by injecting his product straight into the hypothalamus, it enabled the aveage blokes and birds of Gallifrey to regenerate twelve times (that's thirteen lives for those who are counting... I think...). Average blokes and birds started injecting this gunk into their hypothalami (hypothalamuses?) like crazy. Thus, if one of these Gallifreyan blokes was caught in a fatal accident (like the ol' anvil over the head) their body could rejuvenate and, on a good day, wind up looking like Brad Pitt. The less fortunate blokes would wind up regenerating into Fred Willard, Tom DeLay, Bob Dole, or worse still, Tom Baker.
|That's the trouble with regeneration... you never quite know what you're going to get!|
-Doctor Who, on discovering he regenerated into Ross Perot
Omega - The Man Who Put the "Time" and the "Lord" in Time Lord
Formerly the Autobot Omega Supreme, Omega regenerated into what the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy referred to as "the Howard Hughes of time travel." He spent 1000 years jotting calculations on a blackboard and computing equations on a slide rule trying to devise a means of travelling through time. When his fellow Gallifreyans suggested he could complete his work more efficiently using a laptop computer, he angrily shooed them away. He also insisted on wearing an old fashioned white lab coat - the same one worn by Jerry Lewis in The Nutty Professor. "I bought it on ebay," he would brag to his colleagues, while his colleagues would only scratch their heads and whisper uneasily behind his back.
At long last, Omega came running out of his laboratory shouting "Akerue!", which is Gallifreyan for "Eureka!" He announced at the 1500th annual Convocation of Fuddy-Duddies that he had devised blueprints for a vehicle that could not only travel through space, but also time.
|But why are you showing this on a blueprint sheet, Omega? Why not just use a Power Point presentation?|
-An Esteemed Peer to Omega
-Omega to his esteemed peer
"In addition," Omega added, "the technology is so compact you can fit it inside something as small as, oh say... a blue Police Box!"
Many esteemed peers of the Convocation believed Omega was, in their professional opinion, "taking the piss". However, the salvation of Omega's project came in the form of Rassilon himself - now fabulously wealthy from his anti-aging-regenerating-hypothalamus-thingy franchise. Rassilon financed Omega's endeavor, now named Operation reTARDIS. All the project required was a Police Box, a laptop computer, one of those M C Escher woodprints that distorted perspective, an audio file that made a "VWOOOSH! VWOOOSH!" sound, and a large star about to go supernova. Omega bravely volunteered to operate his prototype contraption while orbiting a blue supergiant star slated to silently go KABOOM! in the soundless void of space.
Everything went according to schedule: The blue supergiant went KABOOM! oh-so silently, the laptop instantly tabulated the fuel consumption data, the M C Escher print was overwritten on the interior of the blue Police Box, making the inside bigger than the outside, the audio file started going "VWOOOSH! VWOOOSH!", and the universe's first TARDIS dematerialized from sight, rematerializing on Gallifrey 15 minutes before it dematerialized from the supernova, only to dematerialize and rematerialize 30 minutes after fifteen minutes ago, back to the future.
The Gallifreyans were jubilant. They had broken the time barrier for the first time. All of Gallifrey threw a big party and had a drunken orgy for five Gallifreyan days (five months). During all this celebration, nobody bothered to check on the whereabouts of Omega - which would have been difficult anyway since he had mysteriously vanished from inside his own TARDIS.
When everyone sobered up, someone finally did check inside the TARDIS Type 1, replayed the blue box recorder and heard Omega's last tranmission before he was sucked into a wormhole and thrust into a parallel universe.
- Omega's last transmission before he was sucked into a parallel universe.