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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Gar.

Gar are a species of creature commonly mistaken for fish in the Southern Regions of the United States, and a few other places that aren't very important. Their name, although only one syllable long, is impossible to understand by the natives without elaboration. Honestly, all words are impossible to explain to the natives without elaboration.


Gar lengths vary, but the largest verified gar was measured as, "effin' huge". A close second measured at "holy crap". Unfortunately, the largest unvarified gar caught was not varified.

  • Gars are colored brown. Um... Yeah. Brown.
  • Gars have very sharp teeth that everyone are afraid of. I'm talking everyone. In fact, people prefer not to catch them, except that they look too cool. So people catch them, and in retrospect think about how stupid it was to catch them in the first place. A gar's teeth a sharp enough to cut through time and space and create wormholes. Little ones, but they're still pretty impressive.
  • Gars have a prehistoric look to them. This means that they can look back in time to see the beginning of existence. Unfortunately, they only speak in the water, and that only sounds like bubbles. So no one knows what the crap they're really saying, leaving mystery in the world.


Gar belong to the family "Atractosteus". This was intended as a joke by the scientists, but kinda stuck. Despite common misconception, Gars are not fish, but honest-to-goodness monsters. This is proven because fish don't look as frightening as gars, and monsters are pretty frightening. Logic.

Breeding habits[edit]

A Gar's breeding habits are very personal, and they would rather not disclose that information to the general public.

Gars in the Media[edit]

  • Bob Ross was raised by Gars, but in his rebellious years chose a lifestyle that was outside of water. "Paint is just too cloudy down there, man..."
  • A juvenile gar co-starred in the film, Cloverfield.
  • A gar is responsible for killing every European dictator since 1674.
  • A gar shot Tupac.