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Gardens, unlike the 'yard', have been around as long as our magnificant spaceship earth herself. Spat out of the mouth of God himself, the Garden of Eden, long agreed to be the first garden, was also the birthplace of the first people, a lovely australopithecine couple named Adam and Eve. Though this was over 7,000 years ago, mankind's love of the garden has remained strong and vital. Current reports estimate the Garden of Eden to be located in the ruins of Old Moscow, or somewhere on the planet Venus.

Development & Acceptance[edit]

While the first garden was a magical place of peace and understanding, where giraffes and tigers lived side by side and occasionally mated, gardens have, over the years, taken on any number of traits. After the exile of the original, incestuous humans from Eden, God proclaimed that there would never be a garden as good. And he was right. Even Busch Gardens pales in comparison to this picture I once saw of the original, undisputed champion of gardens, Eden.

As time passed, however, people began to create their own gardens, according to their own fucked-up ideas of what a garden should be. Franklin Roosevelt build a lovely garden at the White House filled with sugarplums and zebras. At the same time, Hitler created a garden of his own near his home in Tulsa which was quite different indeed.

Time has passed but the garden, much like the song, has remained the same.

The Future, Perhaps Within Your Own Lifetime, but Doubtful[edit]

What is next for the garden? Who can say?

Perhaps the garden will disappear like the Yeti, Imelda Marcos or the foreskin. Or, if we are lucky, perhaps the garden will shine for another thousand years, until the Lord Jesus Christ returns and burns all the wretched sinners to ash with his lazer beam eyes and powerful, manly hands.

In any event, you can be sure that you will not be allowed to walk upon the grass, nor blithely toss you litter anywhere you please without facing a considerable fine.


Games played in the Garden are known as Garden games, but are typically a waste of time.

Gardening tools[edit]

All jobs - and i mean ALL jobs - in the garden can be done with a leaf blower.