Gary Kasparov

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Gary Kasparov is the first ever man to have ever won more than seven awards at the Golden King awards cermony. He won the award for best opener, quickest checkmate, and the much sought after Rook of Bronze - which has been awarded to the best chess player every year since 1546. Kasparov is of half Jewish and half Armenian descent, wich has caused his opponents to label him an "unstoppable hybrid monster" who encompasses the worst of both ethnic groups.

Biography[edit]

Gary Kasparov, sometimes known as the Kasparnator, was born in central Siberia on April 13, 1974, and, although he was born already with the ability to talk, play chess, and even recite pi, his parents brought him up, and, at the age of 5 sent him off to the Siberian Institute for Unnaturally Intelligent Children, and he excelled. This institue had before housed such legends as Joseph Stalin, Paul Brown, and even Eddy the Eagle for a short period of time. After Gary's four years at the institute, he left and began to make his way as the resident chess professional in Vienna - although he left after only four months, after he realised that no good chess players actually live in Switzerland. He then moved on to becoming a world chess champion, and he has won the world chess championships no less than 14.6 times. He also spent this time developing a computer that would be his successor, without realising that computers can not (contrary to popular belief) enter the world chess championships. Eventually the computer made Kasparov go mad, and in his derangement he imagined the computer to be his mother, and allowed it to beat him at a chess match (as you do). This created an uproar in the chess world as no-one had ever beaten the legend before - his creation, Deep Blue, (much like a modern frankenstein) has haunted him ever since, and its children (Deep Blue II and III) have been beating him ever since. He still lives, although mentally unstable, in Central Siberia, and some say he is working on a new computer that will defeat the evil Deep Blue, although other experts speculate that he is inventing a time-machine.

Chess[edit]

Being the main part of Kasparov's life he spent much of his early life perfecting his technique, and also writing many books on the subject, such as Chess in a Nutshell, Chess for the Absolute Beginner, and even Chess for the Dead (which has amazingly sold over 1 million copies). He later went on to buy a mansion in the USA which houses 1300 chess boards and he often hosts competions, the winner of which is allowed to play Kasparov (and get beaten).

Chess technique[edit]

Gary's original rules for chess were far too complex for any mere mortal to understand, so he allowed for a lower law to be given. By these rules, small wooden pieces representing people, rather than the people themselves (also castles) are moved around a board and made to fight. Also, witches and adulterers should be stoned. Because this lower law requires pieces to mosey along a board, it is referred to as the law of Moses. Gary's loyal followers know that someday he shall return (from Russia1) to restore unto us the fullness of the law.

Chess history[edit]

Gary has made numerous public appearences to try and get the public to grasp the rules of chess, and as such inadvertently started the tradition of playing competitively. This allowed for the rise of the even eviller one, who called himself Bobby Fischer, and sought to destroy the great Kasparov for his own glory. Gary, however, nobly called his bluff, however, and the coward went into hiding.

The Presidency[edit]

At first, Russia was the only country that truly recognized Gary's greatness, and they celebrated the glad news of his message by making him the Russian president in 2004. His shining influence has spread, and the UN tried to make him ruler of Earth, but, once again, the Bush administration went over and screwed things up.

Present[edit]

Gary's legacy lives on as he has moved into producing over 47.66666666666666666666667 feature films, earning over $23 Kajillion Worldwide. Ever the philanthropist, he has donated most all of his wealth to noble charities, such as the society for the preservation of art, bad art, and child pornography (SPABACP). He lives a humble life on the Singaporian countryside with his wife and 37 children.

See also[edit]

Armenian conspiracy


1 With Love

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