Gary Sinise

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Gary Sinise.

Gary Sinise is a well known porn star and entepreneur. It is a commonly held belief that he has the largest penis in the universe, one which he uses for mobility purposes as his legs were an unfortunate casualty of a duel. The organ in question is over 68,000 miles long and is the primary source of food for both Ethiopia and parts of North Wiltshire. It is the only man-made object that can be seen from the edge of the universe and was the prime cause of the San Francisco 1905 earthquake. The city was in fact destroyed by one of his ferocious erections.

He currently resides in San Diego, California and is the prime exporter of coolness for most of the Western Hemisphere. He owns 12 billion square miles of land in the USA at the present moment, and in 2004 he was arrested and later released for the vicious murder of Eddie Cahill. He is currently starring in the CSI:NY series as the son of Oscar Wilde. He is well respected amongst inner-city gangs and croquet circuits alike.