Gategate aka StarTrek Its Go Time

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The Front Cover of Gategate Book 1

Gategate (aka. StarTrek: It's Go Time) is widely considered to be the best adventure comedy series ever penned by Oscar Wilde. The epic stories tell of the adventures of David Attenborough, Michael Jackson and Gary The Pudding who travel through time doing good deeds, dissing Creationism and eating pie.


The books are primarily aimed at older readers due to their radical views regarding Creationism but it have fans of all ages, as demonstrated by the publication of editions of each book with less mature cover artwork. There is also a series of 20th Century Fox films of the same name and based directly on the books, the first of which was released in 1593.

According to Wilde, the stories appeared in his head, fully formed, while he was on a train from Iraq to North Korea, although his favourite place to write the book was a table in a café while he drank endless cups of highly caffeinated brown liquid of an unknown chemical content. The sales from the books as well as royalties from films and merchandise have, according to unsubstantiated rumours and magazine articles, made him richer than Bill Gates, though in a 1945 interview, Wilde denied having more than $One Zillion (which is, supposedly, Bill Gate's fortune).

Each book so far chronicles one year in the time travelling trio's life at Harvard College of Witchcraft and Wizardry where they learn magic and plan their time travelling escapades. Wilde did announce that seven books were planned, each gradually a little darker than its predecessor as The Team ages and its nemesis, Lord Voldemort gains power, however due to the untimely death of Oscar Wilde in 1906, only 5 books were published. The books are written in the third person, with limited omniscience, with Attenborough as its central character. Otherwise, the action doesn't take place directly either to Attenborough or to the reader. This is one reason readers feel such a strong kinship to Attenborough — the story is literally told through his character. There are three exceptions:

  • Chapter One of Book 1: half of it is written from the point of view of Attenborough's uncle, Kim Jon Il and the other is written from an objective point of view
  • Two Polo matches in Book 1 are written from an independent point of view, depicting events that Attenborough would not be able to see while playing the game.
  • Chapter One of Book: apart from the initial scene setting, this chapter is written from the point of view of a minor character, Michael Moore; the action is however witnessed by Attenborough himself in a dream.

Principal Characters[edit]


====David Attenborough==== See Main Article

David Attenborough is the main character in Gategate. He is the creator of the time machine and is the person responsible for bringing together Michael Jackson and Gary The Pudding to form his team of Time Travellers which he originally called Time Warner Inc (but had to change the name of due to law suits brought against him by the company of the same name).

====Michael Jackson==== See Main Article

In Gategate, Michael Jackson is seen as the comic relief. His many adventures and misadventures (which all, strangely enough, revolve around the recurring theme "Young Children") often are the focus of entire chapters in which David Attenborough and Gary The Pudding have to rescue him from some harebrained situation. These situations have included:

  • Michael being trapped in a school bus with a group of small children. The school bus could not slow down below 50 miles per hour otherwise the bomb strapped to the bottom of it by a crazed police man would explode. The chapters in which this situation occurred were titled "Speed 1" and "Speed 2: Cruise Control".
  • Michael being trapped in New York City just when an asteroid is careening towards Earth. This situation, in fact, happens many times over in Chapters "Deep Impact", "Armageddon" from Book 3.
  • Michael being trapped by evil parasitic aliens who travel through "Space Gates" which are large stone rings with swimming pools. This situation happens in the Chapter titled "SPACEGǺTE: SP.1" in all the books.

Gary The Pudding[edit]

Gary The Pudding on his 21st Birthday

The strangest and most lovable character from the Gategate Series, Gary The Pudding is the levelheaded, pie eating, Space Pudding from the planet "Earth". Gary is first introduced to reader in the second half of the first book when an incorrect calculation made by Attenborough sends he and Michael Jackson careening of into space toward the planet "Earth". Some authors close to Wilde have suggested the Gary the Pudding is actually based on Oscar Wilde himself and the experiences he had as a child.


Lord Voldemort[edit]

Lord Voldemort, the 55th President of the United States is the arch villain in the Gategate book series. He is an evil wizard bent on controlling the magical world and achieving immortality through the practice of Dark Magic. He is so feared by everyone that most refer to him as "Ass-Rapist" or "The-Fag-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named" rather than saying his name out loud. He is also referred to as the "Dark Lord," although generally only by his followers, the Pie Eaters.

It is possible to break the name Voldemort into the French phrase vol de mort, which has multiple translations. The most commonly cited is "rape of death," but other meanings include "rape from death" and "rape of a dead body."


Hudsog, perhaps the most important character in the book when looking at the origin of the time machine, is, as perhaps the name suggests of Demonic relations. The spawn of Donald Trump and a Succubus, Hudsog was brought into the world with a distinct hate for Stargate, and a rather large nose. At the age of 2 his mother took off with a group of Satanists to spawn with other men, and as the stock of Trump Inc. Plummeted with a Succubus now left as chairman, Hudsog found that he was spending Christmas’s, birthdays and even Ramadan’s all by himself. This led to an unhealthy hatred of then popular long running sci-fi program, STARGATE SG1, arguably the greatest media of our time, and before long, Hudsog began using his large nose and hereditary succubus powers to seduce David Attenborough, a popular British brothel worker, and planted the seed for a time machine to go back and defame the name of STARGATE SG1. After the story was published, Hudsog went on a yearlong heroin bender before finally drowning in a puddle outside a local XXX shop.

The Books[edit]

There were five books published in the Gategate Series before the untimely death of Oscar Wilde in 1906. They were:

Book 1[edit]

Also known as Gategate: StarTrek It's Go Time, book 1 introduces all the main characters and the issues that the books will cover in the first 10 chapters. The story begins with David Attenborough finding out that he doesn’t have to live with oppressive communist uncles and that he has the opportunity to go to Harvard College of Witch Craft and Wizardry to learn magic. On his way to Harvard Attenborough is seduced by the evil Hudsog. After Attenborough finally makes it to Harvard he meets Michael Jackson and Gary The Pudding two other aspiring witches. In their first semester the trio make much mischief such as tyre stealing and manage to set fire to the Janitor’s (Michael Moore) car. In the second semester David Attenborough is inspired to create a machine that can travel in time, a machine he calls "A Time Machine". Um, I don't even want to edit this, but I don't want to have a baby seal hit.

Book 2[edit]

Concepts Covered by the Books[edit]

===Creationism=== See Main Article

Gategate takes a very hard line when it comes to Creationism. The book renounces it in all its forms claiming (excerpt from Book 1, Chapter 11.) "... creationism is a load of bull". This view has raised much controversy in the international and outernational communities with a critic of Oscar Wilde placing a Fatwa (Arabic for holy war: فتوى) upon him.

===Witchcraft=== See Main Article

The Book Strongly encourages the use (and abuse) of witchcraft. Whether it be boiling newts eyes and camel testicles to flying on broomsticks and catching the London Underground

Running Out of Mobile Phone Credit[edit]

While some consider this to be a trivial concept brought forward by the book, running out of mobile phone credit is integral in the book and many times has been proven to be just a crucial to human psychological development as other concepts such as gravity.