Gateway theory

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The Gateway theory was first thought up by President Reagan's wife Nancy Reagan when she first experienced a bulletin board system on Usenet in 1987 about cooking. She soon became an addict of news groups and went to rehab.

When she was released she said that Gateway computers get people addicted to the Internet and cause users to become ill and malnourished.

Gateway released a public news statement claiming their computers were just like any others only made with better quality. Packard Bell and Hewlett Packard then sued Gateway for slander and defamation of character. After a long court battle Gateway won all cases and counter sued for defamation of character and losses due to court battles. Gateway then became the only computer manufacturer in the world and now makes every component for computers.

Gateway acquired Microsoft in 1995 due to the borg effect. Gateway also owns the Internet and all forms of data commerce.

Today there are many people who suffer from the Gateway effect and have lost jobs, become ill and addicted to the many features of Gateway computers. Staples has recently waged war against gateway by refusing to sell their computers, this jihad could be deadly.

The Gateway Effect[edit]

To understand the so-called "Gateway effect" which happens with not just this case, but many other drugs as well, it is best to tell the story of a "fictional" internet user "Bill" (not his real name):

It was a fine, spring day and "Bill" was at home on his computer, looking for The Answer to some of his questions. He heard rumors of something called "the Wiki", but that it was a dangerous place for the inexperienced. Then he saw something interesting. Before he knew it, he was checking the Main Page daily, in accordance with Fox's Law. This eventually lead into him writing articles, and soon enough he was joining the IRC chat and voting for Featured Articles. As he became more accustomed to the high he got from the internet, he needed more of it to produce the same high. At this stage, only a handful of things could happen. Either he dies, has an intervention, or realizes that he has a problem and asks for help. Alas, poor "Bill" made the worst of those choices, and wrote an e-mail to Cthulhu who promptly ate his soul. Don't let this happen to you; friends don't let friends watch Friends.