Gay Fuel

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“It fuels the rocket in my pocket!”

Gay Fuel is an unusual substance that is responsible for the existence of most homosexuals, with the exception, of course, of Richard Simmons, who, as we all know, is not a homosexual at all but rather a giant, flesh-eating fungal growth.

This is not to be confused with the Gay Yule, which is a festival held on December 25 in San Francisco; or the Gay Duel, in which Oscar Wilde and Arthur Rimbaud had a fight over which country wrote better literature, England or France; or the Gay Drool, the waste product from the use of Gay Fuel (see below); or the Gay Cool, which is similar to "homo chic" but hipper; or the Gay Fool, which refers to a man who traded his ever-so-cute boyfriend for some magic seeds; or...

The source of Gay Fuel is obvious: other gay guys. Why gay people have to hook up with other gay guys for their fuel instead of making their own is still a mystery to many of the best and brightest straight scientists. Some propose that Gay Fuel is similar to mojo. It has been noted that when a gay guy looks at another gay guy, he drools (which is called "Gay Drooling").

Without Gay Fuel most valuable art would probably cease to exist, being replaced feebly with reality TV and bumper stickers. The United States of America recognized this irresistible value in Gay Fuel and in the year 1668 blew the shit out of the Middle Easter, a region known for its large quantity of Gay Fuel and colorful, hand-painted Jesus eggs (see The Jesus Hen). Gay Fuel, if used properly, can also be consolidated and smoked heartily and is sold by a fellow named Percy on the black market in Paris. Percy is also the name of my incontinent old cat, who I wish were called Sprinkle-Face instead because such a name would be less shameful. The world is running low on Gay Fuel; if I had some, I'm sure I wouldn't've called my cat Percy.