“Upon this cock, I shall build my church”
“May he who is without sin cast the first semen”
“This is My Body … literally!!”
“I "knew" him”
Well, here you are, looking at a web article about Gay Jesus. Obviously, the bar has been set really high with expectations of feces and blasphemy before the story has even started. Rest assured that we will be taking an in-depth look at our gay savior, without hype and without embellishment. We will not be discussing the historical Jesus of the first century, when he was clearly not involved in any homosexual activity. This story is about the incredibly bored Jesus that simply wanted to love his other earthly brothers again. Being God's son manifested in the flesh made Jesus a half-mortal human-god, and it was only natural for him to miss mortal-to-mortal contact without having to appear in stains, cornflakes and spaghetti. Coming out of the closet, for Jesus, was a long process that started in the year 700 A.D.
The first visible sign of trouble for Jesus came when this letter first became unclassified and was summarily released to the public in 700 A.D. At the time, nobody really saw the manic depression, suicidal thoughts, and potential admission to a felony in the letter. People willingly distributed it under the premise that Jesus was just showing everyone how much he loved them, but a closer look reveals a stunning admission of acts considered perverse. I've never heard it called "moonlight" before, but it's a felony in most states to spill it over someones face while they're sleeping. Even more spooky is the thought of a voyeuristic Jesus stalking everyone, perhaps masturbating and crying while innocent people try to get undressed, take a dump, bathe or have sex in the alleged privacy of their own home. Is Jesus watching and masturbating while I'm doing the dishes? I feel so dirty that no soap is strong enough to clean me.
It was another thousand years before people started picking up on the whole gay thing. Finally artists, who openly questioned Jesus' sexuality, started dreaming with their brushes and put Jesus in all kinds of sordid and revealing situations. Whether making out with some guy in a field or seeing if captain Prissypants wants to go back to his place, Jesus was everywhere, and he was touching more than the human spirit if you know what I mean. This created a difficult situation for Jesus. It's was like every skank in God's Kingdom was running around saying they got a piece of divine ass when Jesus hadn't been laid in months. As the pressure mounted, Jesus started thinking that if everyone already thought he was gay it wouldn't hurt to give gay sex a chance. He wasn't totally convinced that he was actually gay at the time, and considered it a chance to "experiment" with his fleshly, mortal side and see where it goes. Jesus immediately got a sexier new wardrobe.
Despite objections from his handlers, Jesus decided that a bold switch from sandals, robes and shrouds was necessary. It was now a modern world that required an extreme fashion statement that would forever change that old, androgynous Jesus-look that he'd been expected to uphold for eternity. Designers flocked to Jesus with new ideas and concepts for the modern day messiah, realizing that such a high profile client would provide limitless promotion and potential fame. With his new wardrobe settled, Jesus began showing up in exclusive clubs around the globe. From the Shore Club in South Beach Miami to Les Deux in Hollywood, Jesus took in the American high life of the rich and famous before embarking on a European tour. While in Prague, Jesus started showing up in more seedy venues like Tingl Tangl and Club Termix. Rumors about wild, gay trysts started circulating in Tabloids and society pages, so it wasn't long before everyone was privately referring to him as "That Gay Jesus".
After the explosion of homoerotic art using Jesus as the subject, his sexuality no longer became deniable. Jesus was gay. The messiah then went on a binge of short-lived trysts with every prominent homosexual he could find, the list of suitors included Andy Warhol, Freddy Mercury, Graham Chapman and Elton John. Despite his extensive efforts to erase the public's memory of a robe and sandal Jesus, the fashion trends had no effect on his typecast Hollywood character. While Jesus wasn't happy with that development, it allowed him to virtually disappear from the world's stage. He shaved his head and retreated into the netherworld of the gay underground, often unnoticed because of the substantial change in his appearance. Nobody really knows what Jesus is doing right now, or where he might be, but you can rest assured that it probably involves anonymous, hot, liberating gay sex.