Gears of War

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Big Ass Boners
Art work provided by Epiccheese1337 :P
Developer GOD (Carmine) (with partial assistance from JESUS (Epic Games)
Release Date November or October 2006. Maybe yesterday.Or right now.
Genre Forth Fifth Seventh Person Shooter
Platforms Xbox 360, PC, Mac OS X! (In your corporate face Microsoft)
Rating EC (Early Childhood)
Would Katie Holmes play it? AAAAAAAAA!.
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Gears of War.

Gears of War also known as "If Michael Bay made videogames..."(later renamed to DarkSector .0012 alpha), or bigger, better, and more badass, is a playable demo released to the public as a joke three years before the actual release of the final game. Gears of War will later have a sequel so that Epic Games can show that they have moar love then Bungie. The game is also Chuck Norris approved.

The game starts out with long-time "hero", Marcus Fenix, in jail for disobeying orders to save his dad during a war. Oh yeah, and while he's in prison these beau-ti-ful white weightlifters a splode from under the earth and kill everyone, and then he has to save the world with his babe Dominic Santiago and some other characters that also hate Sony. This game was unveiled at an E3 convention in 1999, where Microsoft showed the game on floor as their main attraction for the original Xbox. Sadly, this failed because Sony was unveiling naked sluts dancing on poles for their main attraction. After testing the game on the original Xbox, the developers left the project untouched. Eventually, a young janitor, named CliffyB discovered the game. CliffyB and Dr. Dre worked in the lab with a pen and a pad trying to figure out how to make Gears of War more appealing to desperate sex-starved gamers. So they added a bunch of buff, sweaty men and no women.

At the next unveiling in 2005, Gears of War was shown again, this time with a more colorful (read: an added shade of blue) graphics engine, bigger guns, bigger bulges (we are talking about muscles, get your mind out of the gutter), and of course, bigger penises. They also added a home creation of CliffyB’s into the game, which was called the Chainsaw Machine Gun Thingy. That’s Lancer for short. Microsoft grudgingly let Epic work on it for their console, but would later make them wear assless chaps and whip them so their second map pack would cost money instead of being free. On its release date, it outsold every other video game and sex toy in history.

The game was originally going to be called "Queers of War", but the title was changed at the last second in an attempt to avoid any legal threats from the gays of the world. In an ironic twist of fate, under the new name of "Gears of War", the game actually appeals to the gamer who has an eye for large sweaty men with big guns. There was a rumor going around that a straight man actually bought the game, but that rumor was put to rest when he confirmed that he returned the game and cut both his hands off in repentance. However, the game DID get positive feedback on Carmine, the only worthwhile character in the game.


This game is for the the Xbox 360 therefor stupid PS3 Jews may not have The story mainly follows soul-patch enthusiast and pacifist Marcus Fenix and his border-jumping tagalong Dominic Santiago. There are other characters such as Baird and Kim, but Baird's an asshole and nobody likes Kim, which is good because he got punched in the face and eviscerated by the long cheesegrater of a particularly big Locust, General RAAM. Then there's Augustus Cole... he's black. Also Jesus makes a small appearance during Act 3, but abandons the Cog team, much like he has abandoned the people of Earth. After every character dies you take control of Carmine. This occurs in Act 2 and continues into multiplayer if you have any sense of reason. Little known fact about this game, it was originally to be called "Ultimate Daycare Fiasco".Then,a kid,known as Robert Langdon will come from a distant universe and say that they are all his toys.And since little Robert Langdon is growing up,he plans on selling the toys to a toy collector named Jesus.Thus Christianity is born.

Baird - The biggest most tanky mofo.

Marcuz Feeeniks[edit]

Marcus Fenix was once an ok soldier in the COG army, he was just like any other soldier. Shoot first ask questions later, rape and pillage, rinse and repeat. Although his lack luster attitude towards teamkilling is what landed him in the big house for 14 years, where he traded his cot for porno magazines and a few bunk socks. He ran the drug trade in prison with his buddy Rojas, who later got some sick and died. While serving an extended sentence for not taking advantage of another inmate who had dropped the soap in the shower, Markus came across a steriod needle, he instantly ate it and digested the needle, later complaining to the gaurds about feeling sick, he puked the needle out and used it to shank a doctor in the eye. also known as mike mcarthey??? he is a very pale man who loves to play hockey with his lancer and at times seems to emote homosexual relationships with Dom(bret delp). Mike is also a very poor man who was locked up in the beginning of the game for shoving his hockey stick so far up alex neimans ass that alex couldent play anymore. Further damage was discovered after the investigation that he was also man handeld by mike and overpowered because of mikes excessive steroid usage. He likes pie and cheeseburgers.

Dom The Immigrant[edit]

The second main character is a mexican immigrant on the prowl for fresh meat. Joining the COGs, Dom had an ambition. Laugh along with the regular jokes about gays, endure the difficult training and horrors of war, kill his wife and live for the communal showers afterwards.. After having uploaded the cruising app onto his iPhone, he set out in search of fellow users. After discovering that, in fact, every character in the game also has the cruising app, he believes he is spoilt for choice, but as it turns out the other guys only have it to lure gays into toilets and chainsaw their cocks off for being queer. Dom makes up some lame cover story about looking for some woman (as if) and hastily eats all evidence of his burgeoning homosexuality.

calvin mann likes mexican fists in his ass. This is why Calvin specifically picks that mofo queer Baird every game in hopes of getting downed by a burrito-eating locust. He then likes to wiggle around as he is downed so extreme ass raping is ensured.

Anya Stroud[edit]

She is the generic radio lady. Of course, she is also a love intrest for our hero, Marcus Feeenix. This can be understanded solely by the fact she is the only female character in the whole first game. This also answers the question about her sexuality, as there is no way she can be a lesbian.

She usually tells you what to do, which is a good thing. And she acts like she is fighting the god damn Locusts while you are the one getting your ass kicked. Pretty much the generic radio lady.

scandal Anya was seen with a Locust in Italy. Locusts, as you know, are gentleman. Anya was tired of marcus's bitch'n so she went ahead and had an illeginament child (due to the fact that locust's are alergic to latex). That where skorge comes from.

Augustus "Cole-Train" Cole[edit]

Also known as the baddest mutha fuckin nigga the locust have ever seen, Cole is the token black gay guy of Delta Squad. Cole was, originally, designed as a super awesome mega fucked up laser that killed all those motherfucking locust, but was eventually reformed to feature a tanked up black guy whose mother was killed by anyones weak ass. He was rescued by the mexican and sent on a death trip to rescue the motherfucking retard baird, who he later sucked for breakfast. He worked on cloning Mr T for the war effort, but was later kicked so hard he threw baird back up. Later, he met Morgan Freeman, to discover he was in fact his biological father. He also met his mother, Alan Sugar. Later, Alan Sugar fired him, he now shouts "I fired my momma's weak ass!" in denial.

Ho Chi (Kim) Minh[edit]

The asian commander (Lt.) of Delta squad. His interest includes:

  • Getting killed by RAAM at the end of Act 1.
  • Candlelit dinners and walks on the beach.
  • Getting caught in the rain
  • Coming back from the grave in Gears of War 2 Multiplayer.
  • Wearing hats.
  • Making Buddy Holly commemorative plates.
  • Playing his self-made song "Interplanetary Courtship Ritual".
  • Being Dead.
  • Marcus Feeenix *wink wink*.
  • Freaking Baird *wink wink*.
  • Your Grandmother *wink wink*
  • The Kryll (all 1% of them).

Many people have speculated what role Kim will play in Gears of War 3. There are a few prevailing theories on the subject.

  1. Kim will come back as a retarded zombie. As the retarded zombie, he will be the main antagonist for most of the game. However, in the final act, he will decide to help the COG, because Baird is so freaking homosexual.
  2. Kim is the Locust Queen. The whole "RAAM killing him scenario" was just an elaborate diversion. Afterward, he gets a sex change operation and was voted one of Maxim's Top 100.
  3. By far, the most popular theory is that Carmine will decide then Kim shouldn't have died. He shall sing the song "Message in a Bottle" in half a minute and resurrect Kim. Kim will immediately thank Carmine and ask what he should do. Carmine will say that his stepfather is lonely and would like to go on a gay cruise. Kim has to agree, since almighty Carmine asked him, and is soon on the cruise ship. Basically, the entire Act 3 is a sitcom involving Carmine's stepfather and his attempts to get Kim in the sack. It will be directed by Peter Jackson.
  4. Carmine resurrects Kim and then leaves. Kim decides to help the COG army, but suffers from violent diarrhea most of the game, disgusting the Locust army into submission.

He is the super nigger from outer space he can dunk like jesus in a racecar

Yeah, this article fails aswell. Seriously? WTF is up with the sentance above this?

The above sentence super fails as the person failed to spell **sentance** wrong.

The above three sentences make no sense whatsoever. Please continue reading anywhere but here if you value sentience. P.S. If someone fails to spell sentence wrong then they spelled it right, just to let the imbecile before me know.


"Ah this is just wrong!" - Baird on Multiracial society.

Baird was originally designed as a weak piece of shit that the fucking awesome cole would eat for breakfast during the original game, however cole had not been shown at this time sony then advised microsoft to redisign baird as a crap annoying weak ass character hoping that microsofts sales of GoW and the xbox360 would drop by billions resulting in sony's victory. Microsoft then publicly announced cole. Sony lost

Baird grew up in west alabama where he was the first baby ever born wearing goggles. At a young age his parents tried repeated attempts to kill him (unsuccessful) His mom later sold him to buy crack from a locust drug dealer. The Locust a few days later realized that the child he just got was defective (gay) sent it to an orphanage where Baird met Augustus "The Black Wonder" Cole, who ate him for breakfast, but later spat him up. In his teen years Baird met Carmine as he took him to a singles bar and tried to make him straight again (once again unsuccessful) Carmine realizing that Baird was hopeless suggested the navy and Baird set off for it the next day (Bending over) On Baird's first day he was hand picked by colonel Hoffman for 'sword' training. Over the next few weeks Baird would become quite good at taking them. Eventually, after Augusts Cole had run out of meatshields, the army employed Baird to act as a "decoy" and Cole took to shoving Baird in front of him as he killed all those motherfucking locust. In his later years, he was involved in the final detonation of the lightmass bomb, and in enthusiasm, the entire war cheered as Marcus reported Baird had been hit ina helicopter. Once Baird denyed this, the army began crieing. They surrended the next day.


see Carmine. 2 are dead, very dead. Carmine 2# like flames. Carmine 1# got sniped in the head lol. carmine 3# 4# are due to die sometime next year.

Carmine has been know for many names, Chuck Norris, Master Chief, MASTUR CHEIF, L33T N00B SLaYer, and of course, Lord Voldemort.

The single fact that Carmine CHOOSES (Yeah thats it right >_>) to die in every game and come back as a completly differnt but simalar sounding Carmine sibling. Just proves his UBER L33TNESS.

Early Life[edit]

Carmine was first known as a Fernando Carmine in The Godfather, Where he humbly CHOSE to die in the first 30 minutes of the movie.

Carmine's second appearance was Master Chief's Stunt double that CHOSE to die in every game once he got hit with a dildo/gravity hammer. (Because Master Chief can't take a hit) CARMINE GOT WTF BANANA MONEY PWNED

Gears Of War[edit]

When CliffyB made Gears Of War he saw that it needed that "kick" so he added that one single character that would save the entire series..

CARMINE Even though his role in the first game was minor, Carmine secretly guided MARCUZ FENIXZ in spirit, and led the entire COG army to victory.

In the second game if Carmine hadn't held off the locust like a BADAASSH and didn't CHOOSE to die honorably, The entire HELICOPTAR full of COGS would off been swallowed and the COG, once again would of been fucked..


So really without this guy.. We'd be fucked.. Nuff said.. AM I RIGHT??

Kernel HUFFS-MEN[edit]

The old guy that has diarrhea in Act 3 (aka the worst act). Also fully enjoys the COCK up his Loose arse Hoffmen is known for exploding every death of someone who plays as him will explode as found out in gears of war 2, and has said to be exploding as his skin iscoming off as he is ramm in disquise.


Justin Makaila is considered the beast or formally known as the Anti-Christ. He is known for his wicked crimes back to the murder of Julius Ceaser, The Salem Witch Trials,The Holocust,WWI-WWII,The Civil War,The War Of 1812 and the assination of JFK and now he is responsible for the COG fags fighting with his children the locust. The Locust have so much justin makaila features like his hair and his face. they also are good at making little kids cry when they smile or even just look at them. Justin AKA Devil loves to cut his wrists and watch himself bleed because he loves the sight of blood even though his is green or black? He is also rumered to be going out with Locust Queen AKA Katarina and with their satinaic love they shall rule and burn all humans for eternity. If you would like to learn more about Justin please add Rodas1 on xbox.

Chuck N-Err... Disney Walt?[edit]

Dizzy was born in Houston Texas and grew up on a rodeo. At a young age he was kicked in the face by a horse which led to massive head trauma and a craving for horse cock. When Dizzy was 17, he left his rodeo and went to join up with the COG army to ride bigger and better things. In his first mission with his squad he was splashed with imulsion and a cowboy hat was fused with his head, making him unable to get it off. Dizzy is debatably the gayest character in the army as he tries to ride everything that looks 'challenging' which has led to him riding Cole,Tai,and a Beserker several times throughout the storyline. Dizzy is also known to be married to his Derricks, (vehicle he rides around on like a faggit) Betty, they met in the army on Dizzy's second year in the COG and have been together ever since. Dizzy is currently MIA and the last known siting of him by any COG member was when Skorge attacked and killed Betty. After Skorge captured Tai, Skorge apologized to Dizzy for the loss of his wife. Skorge trying to make it up to Dizzy took him to a singles bar in the locust hollow. Dizzy was last seen leaving the singles bar in the morning with a few other locust snipers spouting off such outrageous claims as "I invented the air conditioner," or "Giraffes are only tall cause there spotted". It is rumored he may have switched sides of fighting. It is also rumored that he is locked up in the basement of the white house having a secret love affair with dick cheney although neither of these can be confirmed.

Tai KalCocko[edit]

Tai was the very first attempt of the COG to clone Mr T, and while they were successful, Mr T kicked their asses so hard that they managed to puke up Baird, which they ate for lunch. He allowed his clone to live if one day he promised to kill all those motherfucking locust, which he pitied. He is notably the only Hawaiian in the COG army and is the size of a T rex. It is said several times by soul patch and the illegal mexican that nothing can kill Tai. This statement is probably one of the most ludicrous statement in the game since if Carmine wanted he would have killed him at least six times. He first joined the COG army with Private Justin Ringer and were given the assignment to slay the great white whale. Both Tai and Private Ringer shared enthusiam on this because they thought they were going after a moby dick. While attempting to slay the great white whale, Ringer's tictac sized weiner got stuck in the mouth of the great beast. To release Ringer from the whales mouth Tai proceeded to throw empty pepsi cans at the whale (the whale being a coke fan) and it died shortly after. As a locust horde moved in while Tai and Ringer were enjoying a victory Pepsi, Ringer was captured, while Tai narrowly escaped, distracting the Locust with iguana noises (iguana's are the locusts natural prey) He went back to the hospital where he meets soul patch and is instructed to help him plant a bomb in the locust hollow. Now in charge of Squad Charlie (note: Charlie is on vacation this week and Tai is filling in) he gets the squad to file in to the Derricks and follow soul patch. After thinking he saw the predator from the movie "predator" he attempted to fight him and got himself captured. While in the Locust prison he was reunited with comrade Private Ringer. Both were passed around the campfire until soul patch and the rest of Delta Squad found Tai in a locust prison cell. As they gave him a Shotgun he remembered that Emo/Scene music sucks and he killed himself remembering all that money wasted on the hand creams. He used to masturbate to bands like "My Chemical Romance,Fall Out Boy,A.F.I,Green day (deemed emo today by current alt rock standards)" etc;etc; (all those nasty scars you see on him were self-inflicted so he could feel alive. But it didn't work out so hence him suicide) He was the last closet emo Samoan of his kind on the planet.

Justin Makaila[edit]

Father of all locust he is responsible for giving birth to such horrible creatures. He is known as Antichrist in real life but in the game he is known as Queen, he pukes locust up with his satanic green puke and also sometimes eats his children. Justin is also well known for the Holocust and other Despicable acts through out history. ALl we can do is just pray.

To further discuss this character, add LatestPlaguexxx. and Rodas1.

whatever you do, do not add Da Big 2 na

Insane Mode Controversy[edit]

Gears is known for its ridiculously difficult campaign mode. There are 3 variations; casual, hardcore and insane (easy, normal, and hard respectively.) Casual mode can be completed by the average nub. Hardcore requires you to take cover (unlike in online multiplayer), and Insane requires you to call upon the wrath of ((Carmine, who dies in the beginning so your not going to beat campaign. end of story)) to actually get anything done. However, despite the reasonable plausibility of completing Gears on the first two modes, few have ever got past Act I of Insane mode, and it is impossible to beat RAAM if he doesn't get stuck while advancing at the beginning of the fight. It is a topic of much speculation amongst scientists as to what could happen if one ever completed the game legitimately. Reknowned kook, Kent Hovind, aka "Dr Dino", has let it be known that he believes Gears of War was created by God as a way to find a warrior worthy of defeating Chuck Norris. Naturally if this is true then it would appear to be wishful thinking by God that Chuck could actually be defeated in the first place. Proof for the "Hovind Theory" includes that the Xbox 360 achievement system has no rewards available for beating RAAM on insane mode, and that no Action Replays have ever, ever successfully kept players from being ass-raped at least once by Locust towards the end of Act I. The game is actually impossible in co-op mode not because it's difficult but because at some point you have to ride in train carts a-la Donkey Kong through areas where enemies drop in your kart from out of nowhere and kill you in one hit by a-sploding. Should you hit all of these enemies before they reach your kart, your partner won't (see Murphy's Law).

P.S. Locust like hugs!

  • Gamer1:" Lol u nub
  • Gamer 2: Well it's not that hard actually, I mean I did it.
  • Gamer 3: Shut up you lancer bitch, how about you use a real fucking gun other than the lancer you fucking n00b.
  • Lancer bitch (formerly Gamer 1): Fuck you, go use your fucking shotgun for every enemy you meet, you no skill faggot.
  • No skill faggot (formerly Gamer 2): FUCK YOU FAG
  • Lancer Bitch: NO U
  • No skill faggot: NO U
  • Lancer Bitch: Eat my chainsaw dorkstick. *No skill faggot gets chainsawed*
  • No skill faggot: OMFG U FUKING H4XKER!!! H0ST KIK H1M KIK H1M!!!!11!! H3'S FUCING HACKING LIEK A No0B!!!
  • Microsoft: Execute Gamertag ban: No skill faggot
  • 80% of the Gears of War population is eliminated, Carmine wipes out the remaining 20% for some epic lulz.

Online Play[edit]

Chainsawing doesn't happen in multiplayer. Ever.

During online play, it is important to realise that no matter which weapon you use to execute your kill, it was either luck or you're being a bitch with that weapon, even if said weapon requires twice as much skill than the weapon your victim was using. While using the sniper rifle to attack morons with shotguns, you should note that you are a Perfect Reload Bitch that stands over people and continually downs them. Attacking your Shotgun-Charging friends with the Lancer irrefutably confirms your identity as a Lancer Bitch. If you skilfully sneak up behind them and stick a grenade to their backs, that is actually fair reason for them to quit the game. Remember if this seems unfair, it is in fact accurate, as P3T3YYY says so. If you dare disagree with him, he'll charge at you with his shotgun. But don't you dare start using that shotgun on him when he gets close, you shotgun bitch.

it is also worth noting that gears of war has won the "world's worst online community" two years in a row now. that's right even worse than halo! the community usually consists of northerners and fags which will boot you from the game for roadie running, using a lancer, using a shotgun, using a sniper, playing with a guest and being better than them. the only recorded game of gears of war played without the host booting everyone in the game was in 1867.

Also, there is a thing called a "bot" if some noob quits, but unfortunatly most of the time the bot tends to be baird. It is a well known fact that if you're replaced teammate is a baird bot, you will lose. straight away. Go cry in a corner somewhere. If it's cole, you'll win. Duh.

TL;DR, Everyone rage quits. Even in Horde Mode! <--- This is true. In one month of XBL, I have never made it to wave 50 due to the host quitting. Note that I've never quit.


If you ever decide to play a player match then you will undoubtedly be team killed (Specially If your cole. This is because the people playing have been living in the south for a number of years and take out their anger on their team. They should learn it's not other peoples' faults for them being southern monkies) If you do even slightly better than the lead 12 year old, expect screams of "HACK!" and " BITCH, STOP TAKING MY KILLS!!!!!", followed by either being kicked from the game or having a shotgun shoved up your ass.


You can't win, so there's no helping you. We`re not kidding...

Quitting the Game[edit]

While playing the Multiplayer aspect of the game, you will immediately notice that players quit the game more often than not. You'll be lucky enough to finish the match with half the players than when it started. "Quitting out" is so frequent in the first game, Epic Gaymes simply scrapped the option to quit in the second game entirely. Yet players still find their way to QUIT! They'll quit over anything...

  • "Fuck! I just jammed my gun..." *Disconnects*
  • "WTF?! I HATE THIS MAP! I quit..." *Disconnects*
  • "Are you fucking kidding me?! I just shot that guy point blank with a shotgun and I DIE?! FUCK THIS SHIT! I QUIT!" *Disconnects*
  • "Who the fuck shot at me?" *Disconnects*
  • Player is being chased by two enemies, suddenly stops mid battle, and... *Disconnects*
  • "I quit." *Disconnects*
  • "I don't wanna be a Locust... Why can't I be on the COG team?!" *Disconnects*
  • "IF I DIE, EVEN ONCE... JUST ONCE, I QUIT! DO YA ALL HEAR THAT?!" Gets shot first round and disconnects.
  • Player A and Player B are both charging to the sniper rifle. Player B successfully grabs the sniper rifle first... Player A disconnects.
  • "Someone just quit, I guess I'll just quit too..." *Disconnects*
  • The game immediately starts, player gets killed during the first round. *Disconnects*
  • Player shoots shotgun at wall. Shotgun lags. *Disconnects*
  • Player is soon to be "curb stomped" by another player. Player disconnects and sends taunting message to other player.

Active Reloading[edit]

This game has a ridiculous reload system known as active reloading. A bar goes across the screen under the picture of your weapon in the top right corner, leisurely tracking your progress through the reload. If you think you're the shit you can use the reload button again to either speed up your reload (active reload), speed up your reload way too much and for some reason do more damage for some time after said reload (perfect reload), or jam the gun and take like, twice as long as the normal reload (being a failure). You usually deserve it if the latter (lattest?) happens to you. Adding to this when you get the perfect reload with a longshot (sniper rifle) it is incredibly easy to down an opponent, oh and if you think your cool by doing this think again noobie. Using any combination of the three; active, perfect and FAIL makes you an; active, perfect or fail, reload n00b. And if you think using an actual weapon when reloading is cool, think again, using weapons is for noobs, so don't do it you fucking noob. Waenkles will eat your soul if you active reload him.


You use these to kill people. Especially Communists whom Fenix hate a lot because Ho Chi Minh stuck a Lancer up his ass before Fenix went to jail.

Chainsaw Machine Gun Thingy[edit]

CliffyB’s proudest achievement in Weirs of Gore is the Chainsaw Machine Gun Thingy, whose past is long and difficult. Back on the farm in Alaska, the young Clifford Bee was given his very first chainsaw by his Godfather. After brutally mutilating the majority of his family, including his ludicrous Grandfather, he was sentenced to a 4 month term in a state prison. It was here that he met a marvellous fellow named Dr. Dre, who regailed him each night with wonderful stories about the Silly Old Homies whose asses he'd capped with his friendly XM8 back in the Hood. Although CliffyB had no idea what all this meant, he knew that Dr. Dre loved his homies very much and longed to be back in the Hood with them, so that he could carry on popping caps in their asses. CliffyB thought long and hard about a gift to give Dr. Dre before he left prison, and finally the answer came when he duct-taped his favourite item (a chainsaw) to Dr. Dre's most treasured possesion: his XM8. Dr. Dre was over the moon, and the Chainsaw Machine Gun Thingy was born, trademarked and patented.

The infamous Lancer assault rifle.

Using the Chainsaw Machine Gun Thingy during online play makes you a n00b. The n00bs who use it are accompanied everywhere they go by a Leatherface style revving sound, which pretty much makes them as easy to spot as Leatherface. It also means they move with the same ease and grace as Leatherface. Their comments over the headset are usually as coherent and lucid as Leatherface's trademark dulcet tones, too. Heck, they probably even look like Leatherface, only it's not a mask, it's just their face.

The actual machine gun part is OK, but remember, if you kill anyone with it, you're a lancer bitch and if need be, the chainsaw can come as a handy knife for all sorts of things like cutting butter, lettuce and cats.

Carmine approves of this weapon.


"Steve" is the shotgun's real name, but how do you pronounce that and why would you call it that? Using the shotgun during online play makes you a n00b. People who use the shotgun do so because of their own insecurities about the size of their manhood. Or womanhood. Personhood. Whatever. The only real weakness to the gun, and true skill involved in its use, comes when a player attempts to describe it to a team mate using its proper name. Entire Beers of Lore servers have been known to crash as hundreds of players simultaneously stumble over that silent 'G'. In order to use this gun one must be able to do the hokey-pokey and eat twenty marshmallows in six seconds.

Recent studies show that there is no way to fix the shotgun other than to limit its ammo to one extra clip (and two at full capacity) so as to keep it as a backup/close range "incident" weapon; however, even more recent studies show that this information would have been useful more than two days away from the release of Halo 3 - a debatable application of Murphy's Law.


Well, it really was a long shot getting us to believe this one. Allow me to explain. Gears of War is based in the future, on some distant Sci-fi planet, yet these soldiers insist on using single shot, bolt action sniper rifles. Yep, for some reason they skipped the era of semi-automatic rifles, never mind that bolt action rifles are inexplicably more accurate than Semis. It is thought that CliffyB personally ensured this set of circumstances came to pass, so that philosophy students might have an excuse to discuss "this awesome new game" during lectures. Using the Longshot during online play makes you a n00b. If you're going to use that perfect reload system, one hit kills are as BOOM HEAD SHOT! Yes, that's right, fact fans! Now you don't even have to be skilled to use a sniper rifle! Who needs head shots anyway? Because if you use the Longshot to get headshots, then you're a n00b. It gives perfect aim when you want to blow your friends nutsack off in one shot.

Hammer of Dawn[edit]

The Hammer of dawn basically isn't a weapon at all.Now whemn you first probably heard about it your probably all like WTF a hammer? Its just a fancy laser pointer which tells God where he should take his next shit. The player points the laser and shoots it for a few good seconds until the bloody diarrhea falls from the sky. It is one of several hammer-themed weapons in Fears of Whore, the others not mentioned here being the Hammerburst, Hammerwrench, Hammerscrewdriver, Hammercrowbar, and Hammertime. It is a fairly well-balanced weapon, but poor handling due to your character's incompetence makes it inoperable against most surfaces. When you pick up the Hammer of Dawn it actually gives you the option of what color you would like it to be. Crimson Hellfire and Godly White: which blinds all players before their inevitable deaths. Most of the time the "gamers" didn't know whether you would get two coats of the color or two scoops. Another amazing feature would be the Satan-brand napalm that spurts out barrel if needed. Effectively wielding this master chief-powered satellite cannon takes Carmine's skill and 1,000,000,000,000,000 weeks of practice. It is a well balanced weapon that doesn't just rain down explosive laser death from the sky on all enemies in sight it also summons Chuck Norris to roundhouse kick all survivors including those on your team. However, despite this, using the Hammer of Dawn during online play makes you a force to be reckon with or a laser fag.

Torque Bow[edit]

This is another of CliffyB's real-world invention crossover weapons. The original design consisted of a shaken up Coke can and a longbow, but for the game these were changed to a crossbow, because it sounds angrier, and an arrow with an explosive kitten on the tip, because it takes longer to explode after impact. In the Years of Whores world, having an arrow sticking out of a chest, back or skull causes little or no incovenience to the wearer, but the exploding kitten turns them into giblets a second later, so no-one has ever had time to see if they can pass through airport metal detectors with an arrow in them. No-one knows why it is called the Torque Bow. I mean, isn't that like, what cars have, or something? Using the Torque Bow makes you rape and pwn.


The Boomshot (also known as the "OMG IT DIDN'T EVEN HIT ME!") was based on one of Carmine's appendages. It fires rockets that were inspired by his unstoppable wrath. Its ten-mile blast radius doesn't quite match up to his fury, but you get the idea. Carmine's mighty rocket pipe will get you no matter where you are. There have been complaints about the extreme effectiveness of this weapon, but CliffyB has defended it saying "To produce a weapon based on Carmine's part that was any less powerful than the Boomshot is would be to disgrace Carmine's memory. May God rest his piece." Because of its excessive power, using the Boomshot during online play makes whiney 12 year old chainsaw n' longshot whores call you a NUB. The correct defence terminology to this is "then quit staying in my sight you crazy whore!"

Smoke Tag[edit]

The only fair "weapon" in the game, as long as you don't active it.

Fag Tag[edit]

Multiplayer games often include at least one of these "Fag Taggers" whom finds it more fun to run around using grenades as a melee weapon, rather than throwing them. Invariably they always play as Baird (why? Because he's a faggot, alright?) The only players who can stop the fag taggers are the dudes that catch fag taggers offguard with a one-hit-wonder weapon, or are lucky enough to keep a stream of fire on the fagger as he approaches sufficient enough to down him. If you fag tag then you are a n00b. Or you may be trying to obtain your 100 Frag Tag in Ranked achivement, either way you will be hated. Consider yourself warned!

COG Tags[edit]

Possibly originating from DOG tags, glowy things are shaped like gears. It just so happened the guy who patented them had a typo and pressed C instead of D. Fag tags can be collected to earn gamer points of Xbox live and Games for Windows LIVE (for those who still think PC's can "1337 PWN 3SHITSY'S 455!!), Gamerpoints can be used to purchase porn on the Live marketplace. This porn is ussually low quality with out-of-sync sound. These tags are found in almost every chapter of the book. Their location is indicated by some vandalism shaped like a red potato. Fag tags are shiny and mainly found in the middle of nowhere, or around ded bodies. Another mistake made by the inventor was to make them brighter than the sun so that they stand out, maybe that's why all the other soldiers you ever encounter are dead cuz they got raped in the ass from being seen by the tags shinyness. And all the dead soldiers you see look like they Got some sick.

Although recently there has been a law brought out condemning those who collect or have collected these COG Tags. It is called the COG Tag Prevention Act 1570.

Unrealistic 3 Engine[edit]

With a raging 5-litre V12 engine, this baby really kicks it into overdrive. The overall graphics are actually alien to this world and have been proven to come from the planet N’duyoz in a much further galaxy. CliffyB sold his soul to the devil (or Bill Gates) for the engine. Oscar Wilde then promptly delivered the engine himself. The engine set about building its self, then the game, then the game manufacturing plant, then the transport trucks and finally Toys 'R' Us - or possibly Game - and began making more money than CliffyB's company has in the last 5 years.

Violence in Gameplay[edit]

Contrary to belief, the final version of Gears of War has limited amounts of gore. To be more parent-friendly, the game's standard bullets were replaced with Nerf bullets. The chainsaw is probably the most violent feature of the game, but when you finish chainsawing a character, they actually turn into a pile of wood, or faggots. Because of this, the game was changed from it’s original Adults Only rating to an 'Early Childhood' rating. Or at least that's the only reason we could come up with for why you will regularly hear an 11 year old cussing you out on their Xbox live headset. We're looking at you, Silent Storm 93. And we're tired of hearing it.

Also see[edit]