Geico Caveman

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Henry H. Walsworthington
Geicocavemen.jpg

The GEICO Caveman in a 1976 interview.
Born: February 31, 1957 B.C. (Age 53)
Associated Acts: Creedence Clearwater Revival
Role: Calypso Singer
Aliases: John Hancock

Val Kilmer

The GEICO Caveman

The GEICO Caveman (Born Henry H. Walsworthington) was a popular TV ad star in the 2000s. He fought in the American Revolutionary War and signed the Declaration of Independence. He assisted the U.S. government in building a proper military program. He was also the first calypso singer for the band formerly known as Creedence Clearwater Revival, where he acquired his popular nickname "The GEICO Caveman" from bandmate Ben Stein. After he left, the band went through several replacement calypso's, including a one month stand with Harry Belafonte. He is still a close friend of John Fogerty.

Biography[edit]

Childhood[edit]

The GEICO Caveman was born in a cave in 1957 B.C. as Henry H. Walsworthington. By the time he joined CCR he was thousands of years old. He was raised by his father (Name Unknown) and his mother (Name Unknown). In his school days, his best friend (Name Unknown) and him killed a wooly mammoth by accident. By the time it was frozen into a cookie-cutter shaped cube of ice, the GEICO Caveman (Name Unknown) was across the Beriing Straight.

Work With the United States[edit]

The GEICO Caveman had been living in America for thousands of years when in 1492, white men came. The happy-go-lucky community of Indians he was living in were brought disease, war, and famine; three of the four infamous horsemen. There is no evidence that the threesome arrived on horses, however.

Tired of European presence, the GEICO Caveman moved west, where he encountered more stereo-typical Indians. Unfortunatley, the GEICO Caveman also encountered a pre-Mexican enviroment. Leaving before the oncoming storm, the GEICO Caveman returned to the east coast and lived in Virginia for several years with the settlers.

The GEICO Caveman signed the Declaration of Independence as John Hancock, but made a mistake and autographed it as Johnny Handjob.

In 1772, tired of British taxes, he joined the uproar of citizens partaking in protests. He was part of the American movement during the American Revolutionary War. In 1776, he was called upon by the Congress of the United States to sign the Declaration of Independence. He was said to have had the biggest signature of all of the congressmen, though he signed under the alias of John Hancock for safety measures. As the oldest and wisest of the American congressmen, his life was worth far more than <insert name here>'s.

After the Revolution, the GEICO Caveman moved to Haiti, where he learned calypso music. This would be pivotal in his work with CCR, being the calypso singer for 12 years. He was asked apon, but refused, to return to the United States and assist military development. In 1890, he gave in and assisted in preparing the American forces for future conflict. This proved to be a major boon for America, the Spanish American War only a few years later would be paramount in placing the USA on the world map. This also helped prepare the military for the oncoming World War II, and it's prequel, World War I.

The GEICO Caveman regretted his work with the military after seeing the destruction he caused in Japan at the end of World War II. The GEICO Caveman concluded that the American people were bloody savages after seeing pictures from the Civil War, before his tenure with the military. The GEICO Caveman decided that he would be a worker for peace until the day he died.

Creedence Clearwater Revival[edit]

The GEICO Caveman (far right) with his bandmates in CCR.

The GEICO Caveman was recruited as a calypso singer by John Fogerty, the lead guitarist and singer, in 1962. Together, their partnership (Along with drummer Ben Stein and a bassist Cowboy) they recorded some of the most influental songs of the late 1960's.

Entering the 70's was a challenge for the aging Caveman, and he quit the band in 1974 to concentrate his talents elsewhere. He had realized that he did not have much longer to live and focused on acting rather than sitting around with a bunch of drunk Southerners.

He also had a rocky relationship with Ben Stein, who call him nasty names. Ben Stein is credited with creating the now familiar "GEICO Caveman" name that Walsworthington is best known for today. According to an interview with John Fogerty:

We went to Taco Bell one time and he [GEICO Caveman] ordered a burrito supreme. Ben didn't like that because he never ordered food that someone else was having, so he got all up in his GEICO's grill. After a little tussle, he spit in his burrito and walked out of the restaurant only to trip on a sewer grate outside and bust his knee cap.

~ John Fogerty

According to Fogerty, the two are on mutual terms right now, but still trade Grateful Dead tapes. Fucking Deadheads.

Acting Career[edit]

The GEICO Caveman began his acting career in 1974, starring in Pete Townshend's Quadrophonicancestry. The movie was a flop and the Caveman sunk into deep depression. By 1975, the GEICO Caveman was sinking into a heavy cocaine addiction. In a 1976 interview, he admitted that he was upset at his desicion to leave the band, yet he would not return. He also said he was slowly fighting off his cocaine addiction with help from his close friend, John Fogerty.

He spent years suffering from his depression, appearing in films sparingly. He landed the role of Chewbacca in the Star Wars films (He grew out his hair for the role), where he was panned by critics for not advancing the plot for the life of him. In 1987 he was sent to a rehab clinic in Malibu after an attempted suicide.

The GEICO Caveman made a striking comeback in the 90's under the alias Val Kilmer, having shaved his beard. He had been using the alias since 1978, though he did not have major success until this point. He spent the rest of the decade performing in various films including the Doors, a film about a rival band when he was with CCR. This time he was praised for his work, though critics believed his portrayal of Jim Morrison was terrifiyingly inaccurate; portraying the insane, satan-worshiping, kleptomaniac singer as a sane human being.

In 2000, he began his most successful work with GEICO. He was signed to an 8-year contract as the "GEICO Caveman" for GEICO, an insurance company or some dumb shit like that.

Contrary to popular belief by snotty-ass teenagers who think they know every fucking thing in the world, he was known as the GEICO Caveman even before this contract. CCR bandmate Ben Stein was a total jackass and called him "Caveman" (Because he was a caveman) and "GEICO" (The name of the insurance company, which WAS around at the time). No one really knows why he chose the name "GEICO", but they used it for their advantage anyway.

By 2003, his commercials were so widley popular that the idea for a network TV show began circulating. In 2006 he resigned his contract for another 12 years, where he will be GEICO's bitch.

His television show began in 2007 and was met with praise and excitement. Some tabloid called it "absurdly funny, with a totally unexpected spin on life in the shoes of a caveman!". Apologies were made by the tabloid when they realized they credited the above quote to the Caveman Show instead of the intended target, the O'Reilly Factor.

Death[edit]

The GEICO Caveman isn't dead yet, but we're prepared. We're ready to go... If he is...


See Also[edit]