From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to navigation Jump to search
A typical Geisha after spending a week in some creepy guys basement in New Jersey. Her pay? A greasy t-shirt and a half-eaten donut. She overcharged him.

The Geisha are considered the Navy SEALS of prostitutes. Like everything involving Japanese sex, they will do anything for even the most meager of fees. It has been noticed that, despite being ridiculously poor, they don't charge nearly enough for outrageous sex acts involving giant tentacle monsters and/or fat Japanese men. This implies either that they enjoy the rigors of the job, or that they haven't quite nailed the concept of gold-digging.

Geisha Training[edit]

For you young girls dreaming about becoming a geisha, you should go to what is called "Geisha School", at which, they spend approximately 146 years having random sexual encounters with their teachers in exchange for being forced to wear face paint for a fortnight.

Daily Schedule[edit]

A sloth geisha

A typical day for a geisha-in-training consists of:

  • 12:01AM; Waking up. Geisha are awoken by having a truckload of octopus dumped on them. They must then orally service each octopus in the pile until the next bell rings.
  • 6:00AM; Breakfast. The potential geisha lies naked on a table, and her body is covered in sushi. Creepy drunken old men are then brought into the room, and they proceed to eat the sushi off her nude form using soldering irons as chopsticks.
    • NOTE that the Geisha herself is not ever allowed to eat any of the sushi. She is expected to survive on octopus semen and Crystal Pepsi
      • NOTE also that all of the original Crystal Pepsi is still there. It is rumored to be haunted by the spirit of the one geisha who drank some back in Ancient Times.
  • 7:00AM: PT; The Geisha spend most of the day in physical training. For example, a standard geisha workout consists of
    1. A 47 mile run while being chased by giant 40' penises and very horny octopi
    2. Developing vaginal muscles to the point that the geisha can launch a ping-pong ball at speed enough to dent a mans skull at 50 feet
    3. Swimming 23 miles underwater in freshly-spewed semen.
  • 7:00PM: Dinner; The Geisha are lined up and made to orally service each other, then the "Headmaster". This part isn't so much for training, as much as the "Headmaster" enjoys it.
  • 9:00PM: Study; The Potential Geisha then commit entire chapters of the kama sutra to memory. Once they have memorized the chapters, they then practice what they learned on the same creepy drunken old men that previously ate sushi off of her. Failure to recall a position, or doing a position improperly, is punished by another 12 straight hours of practice.
  • 11:00PM: Sleep; Contrary to popular belief, Geisha do need sleep. During training, sleep nude, are chained down to a bed of nails using rusty chains, and broken glass is poured onto their bodies (for warmth). Complaining about the living conditions has a punishment of spending the next month sleeping in an iron maiden

Movies about Geishas that are called Memoirs of a Geisha[edit]

Erm, Memoirs of a Geisha...

This article is part of the Wonderful Japan series
Culture: Bushido | Engrish | Manga | Battle Royale | Cosplay | Domo-kun | Samurai | Japanese High Schools | Japan Self-Defense Forces | Ninja Gaijin | No Gaijin Allowed | Domo-kun | PlayStation Portable | Nintendo Eightfold Path | Wii | Mario | Pikachu | Death Note | Yaoi | Hello Kitty | Doraemon | Naruto | Vocaloid | Yu-Gi-Oh!

Companies: Toyota | Nintendo | Honda | Mazda | Mitsubishi | Konami | Sony

People: Chikan | Godzilla | Junichiro Koizumi | Shinzo Abe | Shigeru Miyamoto | Sadaharu Oh | Hikaru Utada | Oda Nobunaga | Toshiro Mifune | Toyotomi Hideyoshi

Places: Tokyo | Osaka | Hiroshima | Nagasaki | Fukoshima Nuclear Plant

Organizations: CLAMP

History: Prehistory | Kamakura/Minamoto Shogunate | Muromachi/Ashikaga Shogunate | Sengoku Period | Azuchi/Oda Shogunate (Incident at Honnō-ji) | Edo/Tokugawa Shogunate | Empire of Japan | 2011 Earthquake in the Land of the Rising Sun