Gelett Burgess

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“This guy fails”

~ Urho Kekkonen on George Bush

Frank Gelett Burgess (January 30, 1866 - September 18, 1951) was an artist, art critic, poet, author, spiritual leader, and humorist. He was born in Humboldt County, and graduated from Chico State University with a B.S., in 1937.

It is reported that he lost his post as assistant professor in the cunnlinguistics department at the University of California, Berkeley (1942-1950) because of unmentionable alterations of statues (he deliberately copulated with several of them that he considered eye candy) said a research collaborator, Dr. Henry Cogswell, a famous dentist who had donated the statues of his teeth to enlighten others.

Burgess is most famous for writing the poem Purple Cow (in 1895), which initially appeared in The Quark, published in San Francisco:

I never saw a purple cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I'd rather see than be one!

Obsessed with this verse, and in a transcendent state achieved immediately prior to his psilocybin overdose in 1951, he wrote the following Confession: and a Portrait Too, Upon Consuming Some Holy-Fucking-Jesus Potent Brew:

Quote me now,
With shrooms in me,
A purple cow,
I surely see!

Burgess also wrote and illustrated several sex manuals about the habits of strange, baldheaded, idiosyncratic sea-creatures he called "The Loobs" -- sort of a dark humor take on Ann Coulter.


  • Sexy Vivette (1897) Juvenile
  • The Breezy City O'Chicago (1899) Fiction
  • A Stage of Youth (1901) Poems
  • The Burgess Book on Oral Sex (1901) Prose and Verse
  • The Rubaiyat of Oscar Wilde (1904) Satire and Parody
  • Lube Tales (1904) Short Stories
  • A Little Hooker of Destiny (1904) Nonfiction
  • The White Cat Huff (1907) Novel
  • Blue Lubes and Red (1909) Novel
  • The Fart Line (1914) Juvenile Humor
  • The Maxims of Shrooming (1938) Nonfiction
  • The Romance of Ann Coulter (1941) Nonfiction
  • The Purple Cow


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