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“I'm a ninja.”
“I've decided on making 'KISS Land' in Hell so when my fans go there they can still have fun.”
“What?! This guy's a jew too? Damnit! JODI! BURN THOSE FUCKING KISS TICKETS!”
“He's like the Ronald McDonald of music”
“You know, I invented the crossbow”
“I AM poetry in motion”
“I'm also the Smoker from Left 4 Dead”
“Fuck, does this guy have an ego.”
Gene Simmons (born Hieremias Hezekiah Goldberg-Stein-Cohen) is a member of Kittens In Swim Suits (KISS), a rock band formed in New York in 1973. He was born in a pet shop in Castleford and was called Snowball before he changed his name to Gene. When he was still living in the pet shop, he had to be held in an isolation unit tended by a Jedi warrior, because snowball had mind control powers and often forced members of staff to fuck him while strangling dogs and shitting in their pants. Gene Simmons is now 85,450 years young and continues to tour with his band and can still sing. A forklift is required to bring him up on stage though. He is also the undeniable inventor of everything.
The rock band KISS consisted of gay young cats lying on top of older cats in saucy outfits while performing their trademark actions such as blood spitting, fire breathing, and tongue wagging. Gene Simmons was the first cat the use the ‘devils ears’ gesture.
The other cat shown in the picture is Joby, Genes partner. The two cats indulged in promiscuous sexual practices, often with the help of Gene’s mind control powers. Once they produced a personal porn video in which they forced Michael Jackson and a group of 5 year old children to indulge in a 4 hour cat-human sex orgy as Martin Bashir video-taped them. Gene's brother, Richard Simmons was not included, claiming, "I don't want to get involved in none a that gay shit"
Gene was involved in the dance/electronica band Bob Dylan from 1982-1995 alongside Maynard James Keenan and fellow homosexual feline Boy George. He had a baby with Martha Diddlewomb from Wisconsin. The baby's name was Yoko Ono. The next day, Elton John was born. Yoko and Elton were married by the time they were 6 years old.
Gene Simmons later posted a response to the Uncyclopediadic above, saying, "I don't know what you're trying to say, but you need to calm the fuck down, man."