Gene Wilder

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Johnny Wilder, the illegitimate offspring of Gene Wilder and Johnny Depp, immediately following his candy factory accident that left him disfigured
For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Gene Wilder.

Gene Wilder is a whore. A man with great artistic and intellectual pretensions which have always been second in his life to the art of making a fast buck bending over for anyone willing to cut a cheque.

It is sometimes said that his real name was Jerome Silberman. This is of course a lie because a great man like Gene Wilder could never have a name like that. Wilder is the son of playwright Thorton Wilder (Our Town) and author Tom Wolfe. He was named Gene because both his two dads loved many men in leather bomber jackets named Gene during world war two.

Following a prestigous academic career in Nebraska, he used his parents money to study fighting with swords in England. Upon returning (broke) to America, Wilder's talents were so obvious to Broadway and Hollywood that he was drafted into the US Army. He whored himself out in the army and was made a Doctor of Psychiatry and Neurology at Valley Forge in Pennsylvania. After the staff decided that having an insane man treat insane men was not going to be productive, Wilder was allowed to leave the army.

Wilder began with a failed career on the stage. He became one of a generation of method actors trying to imitate Marlon Brando ten years too late. By 1960 he had run through his parents money and began whoring himself out to other actors.

In 1963, he whored himself out to Anne Bancroft in exchange for an introduction to sitcom typist Mel Brooks. Brooks was fascinated by the idea that his whore (Bancroft) could also have a whore. He created a number of ethnic character roles where Brooks allowed Wilder to play up his natural tendancies as a whining coward. He played Leo Bloom in the 1968 film The Producers. He personally made the film a hated failure for the next twenty years before it was saved and revived by a better cast. The failure of that film led him to play a Willy in a Chocolate Factory. It was thought his acting skills could be brought out by surronding him with children who had never acted before. Wilder was further humiliated by being told to sing-and-dance for the cameras while the crew threw quarters at him to motivate him financially. During the filming of said movie, he made a magical elevator, he took a child and his grandfather into space where he molested them furiously after feeding them LSD and making them think they were fighting snakelike things that wished to destroy them.

His lack of success in films combined with his willingness to do anything for money led important people in Hollywood to consider him the obvious choice when a babysitter was needed for cokehead Richard Pryor. Wilder considered whoring himself out to Pryor as being superior to being pimped out by Mel Brooks. Lacking money for scripts, the producers often came up with ideas like "be funny on a train" and depended on Pryor to make something up. In 1980, Pryor produced the autobiographal film stir crazy which had him and Wilder in prison. Production was difficult in that Pryor went from mania to hysteria to paranoia on the set. Wilder whored himself out in every way he could, but by this time he was as played out as Pryor was. Afterward, they went their separate ways.

As a reward for a decade of whoring himself out, Wilder poured every bit personal and industry capital he had into making films nobody wanted to see. He quickly went through most of his money playing the movie star.

By 1991 he had run through his money. He broke Pryor out of a hospital, loaded him up with heroin and proped him against walls to make the 1991 box office flop Another You. Reviewers were unsure if Pryor had been alive at the time of the film as he appeared to be one of the undead (a Zombie).

With no career options left, Wilder whored himself out into TV sitcoms. He sold him same to the show Something Wilder in 1994 but the concept was played out within a few episodes and the series was cancelled. Four years later, he tried to make a career in made-for-TV movies but got nowhere. By 2003, he was down to selling himself around hollywood as a guest actor for other people's sitcoms. Afterward he began doing interviews in the style of Sunset Bowlavard star Norma Desmond taking about an artistic career that he never had and talking up a comeback that would never happen.

Young Frankenstein[edit]

Gene was in the Charley Chapman film Young Frankenstein set in Albuquerque. He was the grandson of the notorious grave-robber himself. With his sidekicks, Dobby the House Elf and his cousin Laura, they managed to create a rambunctious romance vampire, composed of Hillary Clinton's brain in the body of Al Gore (or maybe it was the other way around). "What brain DID you get?" asked Dr. Frankenstein (IT'S FRONKENSTEEN DAMMIT!!). "Dobby swiped the last brain in the loo...Abby something...Abby - there was some dust - Clinton." Do you know what a pause is? "You're saying...I put an ABNORMAL BRAIN OF THE TWISTED DEMOCRATIC WICKED WITCH OF THE MIDWEST IN THE BODY OF ANOTHER DEMOCRATIC PUTZ?!" Later on, after he couldn't touch his Count Chocula, the movie teaches a false message of love and compassion. It's all about the bedroom. That's why he slept with his cousin, that's how they do it in the south!


Whenever someone in Hollywood needs someone who can be charismatic, kind, and all around likable, while at the same time being a gibbering dangerous bloody psychotic menace to life and limb, they call him right up. Whenever Hollywood needs a man who can buddy up to an out of control drug addict and be their best friend, they call Wilder. And how can we forget about the time he fucked another man't sheep. Wilder is currently being considered for film projects involving Lindsey Lohan.

Since this talent sadly sees little use in modern film, he has a lot of time to work on his latest invention, the Yiddish language, which he hopes will set the Israelites free from the Pharaoh's oppression.

Completely apart from his other life works is the fact that he has attracted a cult following. In a strange display of loyalty, many midgets have gathered around Mr Wilder, performing strange body-painting ceremonies, and chanting derisive songs. They have become known as the Oompa-Loompas , and are considered by experts to be the strangest world religion, after Scientology of course.

During much of Wilder's lifetime, he was widely thought to be dead. This confusion was the result of the trance-like state he affected at public appearances. Conversely, as one might expect of so mystical a figure, after his death many of his followers continued to believe him still alive. Various schools or sects ultimately developed: the Wilder Lives School, the Wilder Never Lived School and the Two Wilders Faction.

Also of note[edit]

For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Gene Wilder.

Discovered velcro.

Is a great actor.