General Grievous

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“Ahhhh, General Kenobi...My neighbor's dog has got a four inch clit (cough cough).”

~ General Grievous on his neighbor's dog
The original prototype of General Grievous

General Grievous (cough cough), aka LeBron James, aka Slapstick William, aka your mother, aka George Lucas, aka that black guy that just stole your TV yesterday night but you couldn't see him because it was nighttime... cough cough wheeeeeeezzzzzz cough. Born October 5th, 2005, in a top secret lab used by Apple Industries. The General (cough cough) was originally a joint venture between Apple, Microsoft, Yum Foods, and the Trade Federation to create the most kick-assin' game console ever. But something went horribly wrong during testing of the prototype. It seemed after Bill gates saw the (cough wheeeeeezzzzze) general for the first time he was disgusted at the uncanny resemblance to his first wife Gertrude. Bill started beating the,cough cough technicians repeatedly in the head with his latex glove while yelling, "that bitch never looked THIS good!".

The General had some bugs in it and saw this act of violence as an attack to his family (cough). Grievous came "alive" and picked up the first thing he could find and retaliated against Mr.Gates. Unfortunately the first thing he grabbed was the (cough) lead technician Frank Grimes, who consequently (cough cough cough) died during the attack. Fearing for his life the General fled to the nearest KFC to compile himself and "get his story straight" (Cough cough Wheeeeezzzzzzzzzze). Little did the General realize (cough cough), KFC is a subsidiary of Yum Foods, so he was quickly apprehended by the leader of the Trade Federation, Colonel Sanders. The Colonel was very pleased in the (cough) General's actions at the Apple labs, and decided to take him under his wing and train him secretly.

Younger years (cough)[edit]

a poor artist rendering of the death of Dave Grohl
General Grievous with minor wardrobe malfunction
Grievous-Obama 2008
For that extra absorbsion (cough cough)

When General Grievous was in his preteen years he took up the bad habit of smoking. Growing up on the streets of Knoxville, Kentucky, The General started a gang of street punks and named them "The Wrotden Appholes". The gang only comprized of him and two other members. A dog named Shep, and a hooker named Ki Ki. For sixteen years they (cough) owned the streets of Knoxville, until Ki Ki learned she was pregnant, and Shep was the father. The heartbroken Grievous disbanded the gang (cough) and ran away to Vegas where he became a male escort and never returning to the streets of Kentucky, where he grew up. The Colonel always kept a close watch on his prodigy, yet always gave him his space, finally decided it was time to take his Gang-banging man whore of a son, and teach him the way of war.

The Colonel trained the General to become the galaxy's deadliest (cough cough) assassin. His first assignment was to (wheeeeezze) secretly destroy (cough) one of the Rebel Alliance's most prized fighters, Cough Dave Grohl, otherwise known as "The Foo Fighter". Unfortunately for the General, his smoking habit mixed with a bad case of Asthma, caused him to be the worst assassin in the history of the (cough cough wheeeezzzze cough) Trade Republic Federation. As he tried to sneak up on Dave Grohl, his frequent coughing and wheezing woke Dave from a booze and heroine induced coma, causing the general to lose his integrated ipod in a fight. But Grievous, being the great fighter in hand to hand combat, and Dave, having the worst hangover know to man, was able to crush Dave's skull against a 1972 flying V. Resulting in the General collecting his first Lightsaber Lightsabre (cough wheeeezzzzzz cough).

During most of his entire life, he was praised for his good looks, but there was no one that had managed to give a worthy description. A jury of master describers, decided to sit down and agree upon an official description of his remarkable face. The jury, consisting of Chuck Norris and himself, and MacGyver sneaking in the ventilation system, agreed (Chuck Norris said it without asking himself, or noticing MacGyver (he always knew he was there.)) and released the the official description of General Grievous' face (edited to a milder description than Chuck Norris original):

"General Grievous' unmasked face would resemble a f***ing rat/bat thing that was repeatedly hit in the face with a frying pan, which is some of the most good looking of faces seen in these years..."

In later years, his friends killed him so to speak, to give him an extreme makeover. The reason was that they could not stand his good looking face all the time, since it made them look ugly, and he even wore a mask most of the time. The results were the less appealing biofuel driven spider like freak-droid Droid General Grievous, who definitely cried when he stared in the mirror after the makeover...

American Idol Scum[edit]

In early 2007 the General decided to try his luck on American Idol (cough cough). With the help of Vin Diesel, a close and personal friend (cough wheeeezzzze), Grievous learned how to break dance and beat-box. After acquiring the skin from a young male prostitute he once knew, he took the form of Blake Lewis and went on to the finals of American Idol. Grievous came in second place on American Idol, and later destroyed the evil droid, Jordon Sparks (cough wheeeeeeeeeezzzzzzze).

Death of his Mentor (Wheeezzzzze)[edit]

In the fall of 2007 (cough cough), General Grievous, while on his presidential campaign, learned the terrible news (cough wheeezzze), that his beloved mentor [so to speak], Colonel Sanders had passed away. An autopsy was performed, but the results were (cough) non-conclusive. (Wheeeezzzze). The morgue officials thought it might have been *(cough) poisoning of one of the Colonel's secret Herbs and Spices, but no proof was evident. The General took this news badly and dropped out of the presidential race,(Grievous - Obama 2008), leaving his campaign partner (cough) to continue (wheeeeeeeezzzzze). The General knew, even though there was no evidence to prove his theory, that Colonel Sanders was assassinated by his arch-enemy Zinedine Zidane. Zidane always craved for the love of the Colonel, who was (cough cough) Zidane's former master; yet the Colonel chose to hold Grievous closer to his heart then his head-butting french assassin. Grievous sought out Zidane one cold December morning, and found him at a local gay bar in Old Orleans, France. Grievous, now with a three lightsabers and shin bone from Johnny Cash, began beating Zidane in the head, torso and lower extremities. But after Zidane takes a lightsaber to his groin, (being from France, he has no testicles), he gives Greivous his patented Headbutt to the chest, worsening the General's respiratory problems. General had no choice but to flee or be destroyed by a french football star assassin. He chose to run.

(Cough Cough) Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh (Cough Wheeeeeeeeeezzzzzzzzzzeeeeeeee)!!!![edit]

General Grievous fell deeper and (cough cough) deeper into (cough) depression after the death of Colonel (wheeeezzze cough cough) Sanders. He was smoking up to 5 cartons of Marlboros a day. While on vacation on the remote star system of (cough cough wheeeeeeeeeeeeze cough wheeeeeze cough cough choke... cough cough) Utapah, the General met his untimely death, when his oxygen supply (cough cough ack cough cough) exploded and burned him alive. The Trade Federation grieved for Grievous for a month before the completely fictitious movie, Star Wars Episode III, which happened to be produced by the Rebel Alliance, put false allegations about Greivous's death into the film. The Film portrayed Greivous being killed by Jedi scum. The Trade Federation has approached the filmmakers guild about this, and, to no avail, Grievous will get no recognition of the greatness that he once had. Little did anyone realize, however (cough cough wheeeeeeeeeeeeeze cough), Grievous had been reincarnated into a prototype of the world's first reusable tampon, "General Absorbous". Only time will tell if the great hero of the twenty first century, will prevail once again, against evil. (Cough cough cough....... cough cough wheeeeeeeze "jedi scum" cough cough cough cough cough wheeeezzzzzzeeee cough wheezzzzzzeeeee cough cough cough cough choke.............. cough wheeeeezzzeeee cough).

See (cough cough) also (cough)...Jedi Scum....[edit]

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