George W. Beard
George Winkle Beard is the real President of the United States of America, despite all claims to the contrary by the insipient George Walker Bush who has used his liberal media conspiracy to monopolize the national television networks in order to promulgate the myth that he is the real President. Beard has been fighting for years (since 1927, in fact) to get the truth to the People of the United States and Congress about his presidency, but he has so far failed miserably. He is also a soon-to-be famous (but already long well established) pirate who, despite certain claims of false(ness), has control of all weather that occours in the world.
George W. Beard was born in a small suburb of Chicago several hundred years before its founding in the year 42. He was a precocious child, ranging freely through the meat-packing plants and feasting on the bounty therein.
He was of course born with a beard, something all of his family (from his Mother's side) had been cursed with. His beard was lovely. A lovely lovely beard. Very beardy.
Sadly, this was not to last. Beard's parents, your mother (she's that old) and a potato cutter, were gruesomely excavated by members of the Mafia in 1812. Beard was forced into a life of piracy, where he learned the tricks of his trade and became a master waterskiier.
His real talents, though, were exposed during his career as an international aid worker in the Napoleonic Wars. During a heated confrontation with a local basket weaver, he single-handedly argued a band of bloodthirsty basket barbarians into full retreat. It was then that the young George realized his great potential, and thus his
began. In the 1927 presidential derby, George was elected by (almost) all the Amerikan voters, tying with Dan Quayle. He won the resulting trial by combat, but at that point the vast left-wing conspiracy, headed at that time by Thomas Edison, began its evil mechinations. Beard was mailed a fake acceptance letter which gave the address of the Boston Tea Company offices in San Francisco, and Andrew Jackson scurried into the White House in the resulting confusion.
Where He Is Now
Beard currently resides in an undisclosed location at 14 Jose Way in his mother's hometown of New Mexico. He attempted to sneak into the presidency he so richly deserves again in the 2004 presidential deflation under the guise of Ralph Nader, but was again thwarted by the combined might of the Demoncrats and Republicraps, who once again stole the presidency for their own consumption.
Beard was known as a famous pirate, and indeed, it is quite likely that he was behind the Napoleonic Wars, under the guise of a harmless bag of leaves. He also stole many important things, such as the Holy Grail, the Statue of Liberty, and the missing Russian suitcase bombs.
The power behind the throne
George W. Beard is actually the evil twin brother of George W. Bush, and a Sith Lord who uses his powers to control the current President as a puppet. It is quite easy to do, because George W. Bush has a weak mind and a weak will, due to being a Cylon who evolved from a rock, but is related to Beard by Beard being a twice removed clone due to the Clone Wars that Beard transferred his old mind into a new body of the clone twice removed of George W. Bush. Of course this only works on two week cycles, when Bush has the proper alpha waves to be controled, and not when his mind is acting up due to his lack of leadership skills when Dick Cheney or Laura Bush or Your mom controls him. You can tell when George W. Bush is being controled, because he tends to act stupid and says stupid things, as a person under mind control would do.