Georgia

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საქართველო
Sakartvelo Assa! Assa!
United Empire Rose Republic of Georgia and the South
Georgia
Gruzja
Georgia flag2.jpg Geocoat.jpg
Flag Coat of Arms
Motto: "Burn the Bunnies with Wisdom, Justice, and Moderation"
Anthem: Samchoblo
Map of georgia.png
Capital Tbilisi
Largest city Atlanta
Official language(s) A Language of A Million Threes: Georgian; also, A Language of A Million Misspellings: Engrish
Government Democratic Republic with no freedom of speech
King Misha Saakashvili, also known as Sonny Perdue
National Hero(es) Stalin, Beria, Saakashvili, Marty Luther King, "the women in the saunas", Scarlett O' Hara
Declaration
 of Independence
In 1991 from damn Russia and the Confederacy
Currency lari, salt
Religion Satanism; incest
Population 6666666

History[edit]

Georgia was known as Iberia and Colchis in the medieval period, and it was constantly attacked by the nasty Persians and Mongols. The Muslim Persians used their magical Allah powers and took over the capital of Georgia and burned it to ground. After this, Cherokees had a little fun by peeing on James Oglethorpe's head, whereupon he killed them all. Later on, Georgia became a republic of Soviet Russia and started producing bananas and peaches (and the world's most stale drink, Coca-Cola).

During the Soviet Era, Georgia produced a world national hero, Comrade Generalissimo Stalin, who, along with fellow Georgian Martin Luther King, Jr., is known as one of the toughest men on earth. Losing one Contest to Chuck Norris.

Georgia's main export (other than the above items) is Chili Wili's Sili Vodka, the chilliest, silliest vodka mascotted by Chili Wili the Sili penguin of Bloody Civil War.

During the Napoleonic Wars, because it was part of Russia, Georgia could only offer its magical satanic soldiers to the Russians, and nothing else. However, a certain Pyotr/Pyter/Petr/Petre/Peter/Peto-Potato Bagration, who was born in an irrigation ditch off the coast of the Blackstas sea, managed to offer his service to Russia, and in the end, practically saved it. However, because he was too Georgian, he was bollocked by Russian society, and was reduced to performing with dancing bears at balls and parties.

Politics[edit]

Saakashvili, the democratic hero of the World

Histocally, Georgia could not get along with its neighbors: Persia, South Carolina, Russia, Disney World, and the Ottoman Empire. They used to ally with big guys like Roman and Greek Empires to protect Georgia from its neighbors. After this era, the vast state-regulated alpaca and peach farms of the country were developed and the products of these are currently the main export. Since Greeks and Romans are not around around any more the United States and Giourgious Bushus are the big buddies of Georgia and its hero President Saakashvili who can't really get along with Putey Pute.

The current king of the Georgian kingdom is King Saakashvili, known as Sonny Perdue in polite conversation.

A true Georgian Patriot!

Born in Tbilisi to an intelligent family, young Saakashvili progressed as a pirate and raided several countries (including Iceland) and held the seas in horror for a whole decade.

However, life of a pirate soon became boring to him, so he decided to get into politics and become a member of the Grand Old Potty. He returned to his homeland and served as a toiletwasher in Georgia's Parlament.

In 2003, however, after building up three toilet-washing businesses with pet doctors as employees, he led a Rose Revolution against the evil dictator, Eduard Shevardnadze, and became the King of Georgia. He did this from his airplane.

Among the political achievements of King Saakashvili is the establishment of national Peach export market, along with bananas, which are being imported from Southern African tribes. Marty Luther King, Jr., protested against this importation, like he did the segregation on Tbilisi buses, but nothing became of it. His followers then turned on the fire hoses and washed the bananas off.

Even though crime rate raised by 120% on Saakashvili's term, people don't seem to care, as long as they get free dining buildings (known as "greasy spoons" to the uninitiated). (Food is more important than life for whites, especially the poor white trash livin' in them thar mountain trailers.)

The Rose Revolution itself, was made possible by using Roses as weapons, since Georgian Roses have the sharpest thorns on Earth as reported by the Islamic Jihad. Please note : Several AK47s and the Coca-Cola factory have been also used in the process.

One of the most fearful of his enemies is considered the Robin Kvitsiani, who steals his bananas for the Soviet Union.

It is also speculated that King Mikhael Saakashvili is actually a clone/reincarnation of Georgia's N1 man Joseph Stalin or perhaps Brett Favre.

Military[edit]

Georgian soldier armed with a bazooka

The military of Georgia is one of the most prominent and efficient in Eastern Europe, with Georgia being one of the few armies with weapons that aren't made out of wood. The Georgian Army is divided up into two broad catergories:

  • Georgian Imperial Military Personell - itself a sub-division of the National Georgia Boy Scouts, the GIMPs are the standing army of Georgia. Their duties involve invading Russia, defending the Royal Family, playing on the Georgian Football Team, controlling zombie outbreaks, serving tea to old people and killing filthy Jews.
  • Secret Commando Regiment Of The Empire - a relic from the Georgian Empire, the SCROTEs are the elite army of Georgia. Armed with the latest in Georgian military technology, they operate so covertly, that even the Georgians themselves don't know they exist. Saying that, the Georgians themselves don't know that Georgia exists.

Rose Revolution[edit]

Georgia was ruled by the puppets (including Howdy Doody and Pinocchio) for more than 200 years, and Eduard Shevardnadze was the latest of them. People of Georgia became sick of Russian Commie Democrat bastards and rose up during the Rose Revolution to stand up for Republicanism. The hero King Mikheil Saakashvili helped to form a Georgia Reconquista from the Soviets and all the Russian Commie Democrat bastards.

Georgia, after the Rose Revolution, is a totally democratic country with no freedom of speech and religion. Heil Nazi!!! Uberstein!

However, Russia keeps having fun in Georgia: recently Putey decided to turn the electricity off in Winter when there was a big snow and everybody was freezing in the Georgia palm trees for about a week. Shortly after, the Russkies invaded Savannah, which is in South Ossetia county, stormed the beaches, and bombed Stone Mountain for no reason whatsoever. Perdue/ Saakashvili, meanwhile, stuck his head in the sand and whined.

Draka Invasion[edit]

The Draka invaded Georgia on their way to the next state in the alphabet, Hawaii. Spearheaded by Yolande Ingolfssohn and her Janissary troops, they made their way to the S.M. Sterling monument in the fifth sand trap at Augusta Golf Club, destroyed it, and had a wild Draka sex orgy with their serfs before moving on and declaring Georgia to be "Under the Yoke" after they had gone "Marching through Georgia". Nobody paid attention to the Draka invasion, unlike the Russian invasion.

Robin Hood of Georgia[edit]

Robin Kvitsiani of Georgia, who is known for stealing from the rich and giving to the poor (actually he buys AK47/Grenades/Bazookas), is known to hide in the woods of Kodor while carrying a 100,000 lari award to anyone who brings his head to the almighty King Saakashvili of Georgia. Poverty led him to accept 20 million dollars from the bears of the North and he started a rebellion against the almight Georgian Kingdom. Then he decided to go on a resort in Abkhazia and hang around with some Northern Georgian partisans and finally he ended up in Russia.

"These are my bananas, ONLY MINE!" - Robin Kvitsiani.
Robin Kvistiani airs on a Soviet Channel while carrying out a speech.

Robin Kvitsiani is widely hated by the almighty Georgian Kingdom due to him selling Georgian peaches to Soviet Mother Russia, therefore destroying Georgia's economics by 99% percent! The other 1% is reported to consist of export of Caucasian and Appalachian mountains to Saudi Arabia.

Robin Kvitsiani himself is an expert of Chinese bow and carries a magical green hat which protects him from King Saakashvili's magical telepathy powers. (It is widely considered that he stole the hat from Magneto), but Robin Kvitsiani himself denies the accusation.

Current reports by Georgian CSI investigators mention Robin Kvitsiani hiding deep inside the Kodor forest with Osama bin Laden and/or Eric Rudolph, but no one dares to enter since Robin Kvitsiani is reported to have abilities of transforming into a tree (which makes it useless to go looking for him).

It is also widely speculated by the Christian Orthococks Church (also known as the Southern Batshit Church) that Robin Kvitsiani is the Anti-Christ himself sent directly from hell to bestow his almighty judgment upon Georgia for the country's vast population of Satanists and homosexuals.

War with puppeter Putin and Soviet Russia[edit]

One day in the beginning of August, President Saakashvili felt at unease with having two breakaway enclaves in his country. His good friend, Vladimir Putin, with whom he drank and spent all childhood, suggested Russia could help Georgia by bringing in its troops so that Georgia could have a war with the smelly rebels of South Ossetia. But Saakashvili was betrayed, lest Putin used Georgia to attack Georgia while the President of Georgia thought that by receiving aid from Russia he was helping Georgia while in reality Russia helped Russia by making Georgia believe it was helping itself, and vice versa. War ended in 5 days, when the President of United Europe and the French colonies Nikolaz Sarkozy agreed to handjob Putin in exchange for a truce. The casualties in the war were huge, numbering 2 Georgian farmers and 1,325,343 Russian Soviet Paratroopers dead.

Language[edit]

The Georgian language, also known as Q'krgtrghrmkhnvtghdrvkhk'ts'rghm was invented by Klingon bears from outer space who enslaved the native Georgians in the middle ages and forced them to learn it. Its fake name is Kartuli Ena which was created to convince the stupid westerners that the language is actually pronouncable. Georgian has no vowels whatsoever; the so-called vowel characters are actually imaginary shwas that the Georgians stole from the Jews. Unfortunately this did not work as to this day no one can pronounce Georgian, even the Georgians. Georgian grammar is even more impossible to learn than the pronunciation, which is why all Georgian actually speak in Mandarin Chinese, which of course has no grammar. Georgian has 99 noun cases, 300 verb tenses, and words are commonly known to run as many as 3000 letters long. The Georgian dictionary was so big that the Georgians had to eject it into space where it is currently the alleged planet Pluto. Georgian is actually not related to Armenian, even though the latter is just as impossible to pronounce and was also invented by bears. There is another phenomena in Georgian language - it has 2 quotation marks. Both of them are exactly same by appearance, and the proper use of them still remains a mystery.

Religion[edit]

"A Satanic Lvl2 priest
"Anti-Patriarch Ilya II conducting a satanic ritual

Religion was brought to Georgia in 3 BC by some whore crossing the cocky mountains and after already 2 years, Satanism served as the dominant religion throughout the kingdom. Satanic churches were conceived in each village and the largest one, Samebi, still stands in the center of the town. However, most of the churches were destroyed by the peace-loving Mongols (who came from Fantasyland in Disney World) that raided and completely destroyed Georgia in the 13th century.

The current highest shit in the Church is held by Ilya II, who is known for his dark magic powers and the ability to summon Lvl25 creatures directly from Hell to his service. Ilya himself, in childhood, was an Orthodox, but soon he realized how flawed and stupid Christianity is, and at the age of 16, he converted to Satanism, and at the age of 94, he became the Anti-Patriarch of Georgia. During his reign, he passed numerous laws which are known for their brutal and inhumane composition. Ilya II is also known for being the first Patriarch to actually possess the power to grow out demonic horns during satanic rituals (regard the photo for proof).

One of the most brutal religious law ever passed in Georgia is the Satanic Act, signed by the uncleanest and unpurest Anti-Patriarch Ilya II himself, which bans all religions except Satanism from practice, and anyone caught will be immediately executed (without any trial) for heresy. The most popular case was when the priests came out from their church undergrounds and requested an immediate ban on the Da Vinci Code film by calling it blasphemy! Hundreds of Satanists gathered near the movie theater and yelled "Noone dares insult Jesus but us! Ban this film zomg BAN!!!?!!"

Tourism[edit]

Before travelling to Georgia, one should carefully weigh the pro and cons of the trip. Consider this:

Pro and Cons[edit]

PRO:
  • Mountains and their hillbillies!
  • Black Sea!
  • 60% of population are women!
  • A real LOOOOZER bandits!
  • Hot girls!!!!
  • NG HH/R
CONS:
  • Americans
  • Russian Soldiers killing people
  • Disgusting baby-crap-like soups
  • Idiots who wear Confederate battle flags on their butts
  • Fat women
  • Ugly men
  • Russian Soldiers killing people
  • Stupid children
  • But no sex!!!!!!!
  • Water is black
  • Black water has to sit in back of the bus, unlike whitewater.
  • No national porn
  • Russian Soldiers killing people
  • Satanistic churches
  • Christianity/Islam is illegal
  • Gypsies
  • Soviet Union buildings
  • Stalin?
  • Soulja Girl, the Crazy Girl on the Train
  • Turkey to the west (gobble gobble)
  • Annoying priests (Satanic)
  • Annoying language
  • Annoying people
  • Annoying animals
  • Annoying religion
  • Annoying Russian Soldiers killing people
  • Annoying dancers
  • Annoying architecture

See also[edit]

Gallery of Georgia[edit]

Commonwealth of Independent States - Former USSR Republics
Russia ~ Belarus ~ Ukraine ~ Estonia ~ Latvia ~ Lithuania ~ Moldova ~ Mordova ~ Azerbaijan ~ Kazakhstan ~ Kyrgyzstan / Krgystan ~ Mongolistan ~ Ghettoistan ~ Turkmenistan ~ Uzbekistan ~ Tajikistan ~ other Stan countries ~ Soviet Britain
Countries and territories of Asia
Euroasia Armenia - Azerbaijan - Cyprus - Georgia - Japan-France - Russia - Turkey (the country, not the bird) - Lebanon
East Asia People's Republic of China - Hong Kong - Japan - Kansai Republic - Korea (north) (south) (pick 'em) - Macau - Mongolia - Taiwan (Republic of Taiwan) - Tibet
Western Asia Arabia - Bahrain - Iran - Iraq - Israel - Jordan - Kuwait - Oman - Palestine - Qatar - Saudi Arabia - Syria - United Arab Emirates - Wherethefuckistan - Yemen
Central Asia Kazakhstan - Kyrgyzstan - Tajikistan - Turkmenistan - Uzbekistan - other-stan
South Asia Afghanistan - Bangladesh - Bhutan - India - Maldives - Nepal - Pakistan - Sri Lanka
Southeast Asia Cambodia - East Timor - Indonesia - Laos - Burma - Malaysia - Philippines - Singapore - Thailand - West Timor - Vietnam


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