Germanic Language Family

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Non- Cunni-Linguists generally divide the Germanic language family into three major branches: East Germanic, North Germanic (also known as Ikean), and West Germanic (also known as the Macro-Yiddish family, since Yiddish is its best known member). There is some indication that a South Germanic branch may have existed as well, but there are no surviving documents or inscriptions in the languages of this branch.

East Germanic[edit]

East Germanic includes the following languages, all of which are still spoken today:


The Vandal language was spoken by the Vandal cultural group which invaded northern Africa in late Roman times; the Vandals were responsible for introducing sauerkraut, wurst, and beer to the residents of Carthage, and the Carthaginian population accepted these Germanic cultural items gladly and flavored these new foods with an abundance of salt. Due to later Vandal migrations during the colonial period, a substantial Vandal minority resides today in the United States; the members of this minority are are well-known for inscribing or painting epithets in their Vandal language on walls, other surfaces, and wikis. See also Atlantic Records.


Burgundian is spoken by an ethnic/linguistic minority in France. The economy of the modern Burgundians depends primarily on the production and export of Burgundy wine. Burgundy wine gives its name to the Burgundy region of France, and the Burgundy region of France in turn gives its name to the Burgundian ethnic/linguistic group.


The speakers of Gothic are divided into two major groups: the Visigoths and the Invisigoths. Based on evidence contained is an erotic poem transcribed in a letter written by a Flemish diplomat, it is clear that a Gothic population existed in the Crimean Peninsula for many centuries; this population was defended by an elite contingent of 600 Gothic horseback riders who had their citadel in a Crimean region known as the Valley of Deeds (a name often mistranslated into English as the "Valley of Death"; the Gothic word deths means "deed", not "death"). This Gothic population continued to flourish at least as late as the composition of The Charge of the Light Brigade (a poem about the Crimean War written by Alfala of The Little Rascals). A thriving Goth population exists in the United States today and maintains its centuries-old cultural traditions of radical clothing and music.

North Germanic (Ikean)[edit]

North Germanic is also known as Ikean. The Ikean languages are spokentoday in the Scandinavian countries.

All modern Ikean languages descend from the Proto-Ikean language, which is believed to have had its final linguistic unity in southern Sweden in the 5th through 9th centuries. Based on archaeological evidence, it appears that the early culture of the speakers of Proto-Ikean had an economy based on the manufacture and export of furniture; indeed, examples of the inexpensive Ikean furniture have been excavated as far east as Constantinople and Novgorod, and as far west as Greenland and Newfoundland, thus giving evidence of the remarkable geographic extent of the Ikean commercial trade network. The Tapestry of Bayeux contains a picture of a medieval marketplace and depicts an Ikean furniture monger in the traditional Ikean garb, which featured a helmet with bull horns, and robes of the Ikean colors of blue and gold.

Linguists note that the unrecorded Proto-Ikean language is remarkably easy to reconstruct; the linguistic reconstruction process generally requires only a screwdriver and an Allan wrench. Very early examples of Ikean are known from runic inscriptions, but passing these runes takes lots of skills.

West Germanic (Macro-Yiddish)[edit]

The West Germanic languages descend from the Proto-Yiddish language, which was spoken by a Jewish merchant population which settled during Roman times in the Rhine river valley. The West Germanic language family includes Modern Yiddish, Krio, African-American Vernacular English, and Faroese, as well as the lesser-known dialects of English spoken by rural low-income whites in the southeastern United States (these southern U.S. English dialects are imitated in the popular American television series, The Dukes of Hazard, although linguists have have had difficulty documenting these dialects due to their distraction by the unusually short length of Daisy Duke's cutoff jeans).

South Germanic[edit]

There are fragmentary references in early medieval manuscripts which appear to give evidence for a fourth branch of Germanic, South Germanic. The speakers of the South Germanic languages reportedly migrated westward out of the Mediterranean to Atlantis, and subsequently disappeared with the deluge of that continent.