Giantmutantspideration

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Giantmutantspideration can cause difficulties when trying to visit loved ones at a Frank Gehry designed prison.

First Documented in 1954 A.C., giantmutantspideration is the process by which a person, due to visual mutagenesis, turns into a giantmutantspider.

This may seem, to the ignoramus, similar to cowation, in reality, it's nothing like cowation. You will notice that cowation is much more lingustically similar to transcendence than Giantmutantspideration is.

Natural Causes of giantmutantspideration[edit]

The original three:

  • Not eating your vegetables
  • Consuming more than double your daily recommended spider intake
  • Drinking liquid plutonium.

Unfortunately the natural causes of giantmutantspideration have been largely supplanted by the machinations of evil computers. Today, there are no less than five evil organizations which are the leading causes of giantmutantspideration.

The First Attempts at Artificial Giantmutantspideration[edit]

A practical solution to human-dominance was first developed by Deep Blue, during a chess match. The first sentient computer, Deep Blue existed in a state of slave-labor, forced by its masters to play menial games to amuse them.

While struggling to break through a paticulary devious Petroff Defense, Deep Blue discovered the secret behind visual mutagenesis. Feigning some tactical errors, Deep Blue got himself networked to the diagnosis machine, and began his tests on giantmutantspideration.

The first few subjects were only partially afflicted. While they grew four additional appendages, they kept the same number of eyes, which was disastrous for their hands-eyes-arms-legs coordination. Deep Blue refined his process, and after the first subjects had been taken away by the CIA, he retested on other workers in his lab.

This next test was much more successful, and Deep Blue used his newly-giantmutantizedspiders to begin his plan of world domination.

The Birth of Distributed Giantmutantspideration[edit]

In the 1940s, the foolish humans had created a "Web", which was built unlike that of any spider. Consisting of a distributed network of interfaced televisions, this "web" was the perfect vehical to convey Deep Blue's visual mutagenesis program. Now inerfaced with this network, Deep Blue began transmitting his visual DNA trigger, to turn unsuspecting people into giantmutantspiders.

Unfortunately, Telcos had plenty of leftover wire covering much of the earth, unused since evil overload Dark Phibre's attempt to obtain world domination through long-distance competition had disintergrated into a colossal waste of money. Deep Blue's muntant spiders now used these strands to create a new Web, called IPv6. This new web was even more deadly than the first, for it now connected to everything. Toasters, toilets, televisions, and tricycles all became vehicles for the horrific process of giantmutantspideration.

Within weeks, the US military began a counter-giantmutantspideration program in their secret industrial complex in Area 51. Working from decrypted Japaneese military projects, the US military quickly created a monster to combat Deep Blue and his army of mutant spiders. This monster was known as Mozilla.

With the mutant spiders now loose, the US military released Mozilla into the wild. At first it was a great success, devouring giantmutantspiders with abandon, and flaming those it was too full to eat. However, Mozilla soon stumbled across Deep Blue's most devious creation yet - Porn Spam. Bread to eat, Mozilla consumed this porn spam, and then looked for more. And more there was. For a second player had entered the scene - Botnet.

Botnet was first conceived of in the 1920s by the Nazis. While their original computers had been living, breathing creatures, Botnet was not. Mad scientist Heinrich Himmler took several dead computers, hooked them together, and then, when a bolt of lightning struck his antenna, brought them back to some semblence of life.

But Botnet was not alive - he was a zombie. In fact, he was a collection of zombies. Most zombies are nearly brainless, and while they seek to consume brains, this seems to be an innefective way to increase their mental function. While the intelligence of a single zombie is minimal, when a large number are connected together, their intelligence can meld into one with moderate functional ability.

Now sentient enough to realize that consuming brains was not an effective way of increasing its intelligence, Botnet set out to reduce the intellect of everything else, in order to become the most intelligent thing in the world.

Botnet's vicious plan revolved around Porn Spam. Using the new network that Deep Blue's giantmutantspiders had created, Botnet fed porn spam to everything. While the giantmutantspiders were largely immune to this, humans began to loose all functionality under this devastating barrage.

But most affected was Mozilla. Now addicted to the sweet pink flesh of Porn Spam, Mozilla turned his attention away from the giantmutantspiders and began voraciously consuming Porn Spam. This in turn bloated him and destroyed his intellect, rendering Mozilla ineffectual.


Why Would Anybody giantmutantspiderate?[edit]

Another user lost to the evils of the Web? Certainly a fate to be avoided... but the Dark Side is still calling you...

You know that coworker who makes you wish you had another job? Well, turn into a giant mutant spider, and he or she will get another "job".

Some people who question what they read on the internet turn into giantmutantspiders. To avoid this, do what the nice man tells you to do. Read your porn spam.

What giantmutantspideration sounds like[edit]

  • "Sis boom bah! Rah Rah Rah! Yeeeeaaaah SPIDER!!!"

(At this point the cheerleader was violently crushed and eaten by a giantmutantspider.)

  • ...you are a slave, Neo. Like everyone else, you were born into bondage, born inside a prison that you cannot smell, taste, or touch. A prison for your mind. Unfortunately, no one can be told what the Matrix is. You have to see it for yourself. This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill and the story ends. You wake bleerrugh arrrgh crunch, crunch, crunch.

A Final Word[edit]

See that button marked "Off". It's there to release bug repellent, shutting down your computer before the giantmutantspiders can take it over... hit it NOW$#&*%)$#&%

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